How You Can Get Exactly What You Want From an Avoidant (Without Abandoning Yourself)

The real work isn’t about trying to get them to do anything.

At least not directly. If they want to change, they will and that’s why it’s not something you need to worry about.

Because you can’t control what they do.

But if you try to control them by projecting all your wants and needs onto them, you will only push them away even more.

And that’s why you’re experiencing sleepless nights, anxiety, loneliness, and manic obsession.

So ‘fixing’ and understanding them is less important than recognizing why they’re triggering you.

Why, though? And why does trying to fix them trigger so much in you?

It’s the unanswered texts. All the plans you make that always fall through.

The emotional distance.

Slow, painful rejection.

Instead of confronting it, you tell yourself a lie:

“Yeah, they’re just busy, I know at some point they’ll come around. I guess I should just be more patient.”

By projecting your insecurities onto them, you’ll get stuck in a cycle you can’t escape.

Instead, you end up wasting months, even years like I did waiting around for someone who was never going to change. Someone who is content living life (with or without you) like they’re single.

Some people even waste the best years of their lives with avoidants by spending multiple decades waiting for someone to come around.

But their partner never changes.

(For more reading on avoidant attachment, you can read one of my popular article here on the subject)

3 reasons why you need to do the work today

1. Start getting what you want right away

Sometimes you’d be surprised at what you can get from your avoidant partner by simply voicing your concerns. A person who cares about you is willing to compromise.

And there’s actually a chance they might just show up for you…

However… those who are uncompromising only care about themselves.

What you can hope to gain:

They follow through on dates and plans
Your avoidant partner engages instead of ghosting or stonewalling
You finally feel seen and heard without them getting defensive

2. Stop wasting time on false hope

Deep down you already know when someone isn’t right for you or can’t meet your needs. It’s just hard to admit sometimes.

By ‘ripping off the band-aid,’ this strategy helps you stop waiting for an answer that will never come.

3. Eliminate anxiety by confronting the unknown

If you’ve dated an avoidant, you know much of the stress comes from the uncertainty.

And that stress directly manifests into physical tension.

High blood pressure
Sleep disorders
Sexual dysfunction

Direct communication won’t immediately cure all your ills. But you’ll feel physically lighter.

How to communicate with an avoidant and get what you want

It might not be easy or comfortable. Believe me. But it’s far simpler than you think.

Because your avoidant partner will do anything to avoid accountability, meaning, they’ll keep score, shift the blame, gaslight, and redirect the conversation in any way possible.

Even as tempting as it sounds, that’s why you can’t cater to their emotional comfort.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t strive for safety but keep the end in mind.

State exactly what you need and follow up by mirroring their behavior.

Again, I have to point out the nuance, because someone might read this and think it’s acceptable to yell or scream if they do, since I said, “mirror their behavior.”

If they start overreacting that’s not your cue to do the same.

What I mean is, if you do your job of communicating clearly and they finally get their head out of their ass, then that’s great. Continue investing.

But if they react by shrinking away further and hiding or repeating the same habits, that’s fine too. Mirror that by stepping back.

Because at that point you’ve probably done everything you can to make things work.

Instead of asking “What can I do to meet your needs?”

Say “This is what I need from you for this relationship to continue working.”

You can use a four-step process:

[Set your intentions at the start]

[Acknowledge what the problem is]

[Express your wants and needs]

[And then define the consequence of what you will or will not do]

I put together this guide for on setting boundaries for myself, and most importantly, for you, the reader.

It’s been a highly effective tool to use in the dating world when everything these days is unpredictable. But with this guide, you will at least know how to respond appropriate.

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A note on “consequences”

Boundaries are not about controlling someone else. Or manipulating them into getting what you want.

A boundary is similar to the borders of a country.

For example, in real life, one country is not responsible for maintaining the infrastructure of its neighboring countries. Nor are their neighbors responsible for theirs.

That line denotes responsibility.

Boundaries in relationships are the same thing.

Each individual is responsible for their own feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and so on.

Once you start to understand this, you’ll realize that any issues happening with those things are the responsibility of the person to whom they belong.

For example, if your girlfriend constantly interrupts you when you speak and it pisses you off, the problem isn’t necessarily with her.

It’s with you.

As long as you blame her for making you angry, you will never change.

But if she gets defensive or overreacts when you point it out, that’s her problem too.

The last step of the boundary-setting process is all about what you’re going to do in response to that behavior.

Because you have a few options:

Continue to stay in a relationship with an avoidant
Step back and leave

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But here’s why ‘giving space’ fails

The standard advice on social media for dealing with avoidants is: “Just give them space.”

The paradox here assumes taking space from the problems in a relationship will fix those same problems.

All it does is reinforce the avoidant’s instinctive coping strategies of pulling away.

Ironically the avoidant only respects clear, direct communication even if they’re often incapable of it. Though that doesn’t necessarily mean they like it when you’re honest.

They will “eat up” your honesty and vulnerability only to the extent that they are honest and vulnerable themselves.

Because then they know they’re expected to do so as well.

If you really want to find out how honest your partner is, be as real with them as possible.

Here’s why:

The avoidant’s ideal relationship

Avoidants like to choose relationships where they are not required to get too close.

That’s why they can easily commit to someone who is toxic, abusive, unavailable, or just as distant as they are.

These are safe relationships (for them).

That way they can be in a ‘relationship’ while simultaneously avoiding effort.

This actually eluded me for a while.

I’ve dated avoidants who had relationships before.

They were engaged or married for years; some had long-term partners before me, and I couldn’t understand why they easily stuck around for those men while they just pushed me away.

In these relationships, the avoidant’s partner doesn’t assert boundaries, so they’re free to do as they wish.

But when you state your boundaries, hold fast, and expect accountability, an avoidant will usually bail soon after they realize you’re not going to budge.

For example, as soon as I got real with my avoidant fiancé, things changed. Not slowly, but my entire life dramatically changed in the course of a few months.

And when the therapist called her out for putting all the blame me on, she left me the very next day.