How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Style

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Have you ever found yourself trapped in the same sort of poisonous relationship, questioning why it continues occurring?

You might also see some actions you can’t quite explain, such as always wanting to please others, shutting down under confrontation, or feeling uncomfortable when things get too quiet.

It’s not only a coincidence.
Your youth deeply influenced your love style.

Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich, marriage and family therapists, found that our upbringing influences the way we love. Based on various upbringings, they have found five love styles; knowing yours can enable you to create better, more joyful relationships.

Let’s get started.

1. The Pleaser

Pleasers were raised in households where one or both parents were very critical, furious, nervous, or overly protective. As children, they learned to maintain their best behavior out of dread rather than happiness. Their goal was to prevent triggering negative feelings in a parent.

Pleaser kids sometimes ended up playing the emotional carer rather than getting comfort and help. Though it was not their duty, they attempted to calm or stabilize their erratic father.

Please, still at all costs, avoid disagreement as adults. Often putting their own needs last, they always check their surroundings to ensure everyone is happy. It’s difficult to say “no.” Letting others down becomes intolerable. They could conceal their own ideas or lie to maintain harmony.

But over time, this could cause exhaustion. Trying to be everything to everyone often leaves pleasers stressed, overworked, and emotionally exhausted.

What they need: Honesty with oneself and others is what they require. Pleasers have to find out how to express their emotions and establish limits free of guilt. Real love is being seen, not only being agreeable.

2. The Victims

Often, victims come from tumultuous or abusive households. There may have been regular conflict, yelling, or violence. These kids learned to vanish — to remain silent, unseen, and out of the way in order to survive.

To avoid the pressure and anxiety of their surroundings, they created inner worlds. Though as adults, it sometimes makes them cut off from their own identities and aspirations, this coping strategy served them as youngsters.

Often, victims suffer from poor self-worth, anxiety, or sadness. They can believe they are undeserving of love or trapped in cycles of powerlessness. Many times, too, they find themselves in relationships with controllers — partners who are emotionally erratic or tyrannical and reflect their childhood memories.

Victims may feel uneasy even in quiet and safe relationships since they have been programmed to anticipate chaos. Peace seems strange.

Self-love and self-advocacy are what they require. Victims have to learn to identify their own needs and believe they have the right to occupy space, speak up, and stand up for themselves.

What they need: Victims have to learn to identify their own needs and believe they have the right to occupy space, speak out, and stand up for themselves.

3. The Operator

Controllers grew up in settings without safety and protection. They had to grow up quickly since no one intervened to protect or lead them. They discovered that the only way to avoid being susceptible was to be in control.

Controllers want control to feel safe as adults. They could create strict rituals or turn into perfectionists. They respond forcefully — often with anger — when things don’t go their way, which seems less susceptible than fear or grief.

They don’t readily seek aid and would rather handle issues on their own. However, their desire for control may test relationships. Their spouses could feel excluded or insecure in sharing their emotions.

What they require: Emotional flexibility and trust. Controllers have to understand that vulnerability is not weakness but rather a necessary component of emotional closeness, thereby allowing others in and accepting their vulnerability.

4. The Vacillator

Vacillators were raised by erratic parents. There was uneven love and care. Their parent was sometimes there and kind, other times aloof or preoccupied. Consequently, these kids yearned for relationships and were afraid of abandonment.

Vacillators frequently felt furious and wounded since their emotional demands were not always met, yet they still yearned for intimacy. This started a push-pull dynamic that ran throughout adult relationships.

At first, vacillators idealize new partnerships. They fall quickly and deeply. But when their spouse unavoidably disappoints them — after all, no one is perfect — they pull back, feel betrayed, and become distant.

They are very aware and sensitive, able to notice even the smallest emotional signals, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

What they need: Emotional peace is what they require. Instead of rushing into partnerships driven by unmet childhood needs, vacillators should learn to develop trust slowly. Lasting relationships depend on knowing that no spouse can satisfy all emotional requirements.

5. The Evader

Avoiders grew up in households stressing independence, reason, and self-reliance. Often, emotions were either disregarded or regarded as weakness. Avoider kids therefore picked up on how to ignore their emotions and depend just on themselves.

Though they could seem competent and confident, they are usually emotionally detached in relationships. Avoiders value personal space and find vulnerability to be difficult.

Strong emotions — either their own or others’—make them uncomfortable and may cause them to shut down or withdraw if a partner shows strong feelings.

What they need: Emotional openness is what they require. Avoiders must accept that feelings are natural human experiences and necessary for closeness. Learning to react sympathetically and communicate emotions is absolutely vital.

So… What Love Style Are You?

Chances are, you identified with more than one love style. That’s completely natural. These patterns are not black and white; they are on a continuum, and many of us have characteristics from several kinds.

The key point is this: Awareness produces change. Understanding your love style will help you to begin to shatter the outdated patterns that no longer benefit you.

You are not trapped. You are not damaged. Though you can heal and get past it, you are a human being formed by your history.