How Your Fearful Avoidant Thinks: Understanding Their Emotional Need to Control

Love, dating, and relationships are already hard enough.

But when you throw a “fearful avoidant” into the mix, any notion of predictability is lost. What you think should happen is often the opposite of what does happen.

This unpredictable chaos is fun for a minute but eventually leads to headaches and heartbreak.

There’s less guessing involved once you see they want consistency, certainty, and safety. In other words, your fearful avoidant partner craves boundaries. That’s it.

If you ignore this fact, you’ll struggle to maintain a relationship with them.

(This doesn’t mean you should cater to your partner’s behavior, but a level of understanding fosters intimacy.)

And you’ll be confused by their unique approach to dating. Their behavior is sometimes puzzling. They’re charismatic, magnetically intense, and captivating at the start, but masked behind all of it is fear.

You’ll feel loved and cared for. There is no doubt about that, but this intoxicating dynamic is all a facade.

They might be captivated by you and your personality — even going as far as making big promises. Stay a bit skeptical. Often, you’re a temporary escape from the whirlwind of feelings they’re experiencing long before the two of you met.

Your FA partner may want to know you on a deeper level, but what they desire most is safety — by steering conversations in their direction.

Unfortunately, this isn’t noticeable immediately.

But on the bright side, you can learn to spot this by learning attachment theory.

The basics of attachment theory

“Avoidant” is one of three labels used in attachment theory.

This is attachment theory in a nutshell: according to psychologist John Bowlby — “His ethological theory of attachment suggests that infants have an innate need to form an attachment bond with a caregiver.”

In short, things happen to us as kids, we learn to cope depending on the circumstances, and this influences our adult romantic relationships.

Avoidants learned to cope by turning inward. They’re experts at self-reliance, but often to a fault.

On the extreme end, they usually struggle with their emotions/feelings.

That affects their ability to communicate effectively, and intimacy is frightening to them. Often, reciprocating love and affection doesn’t come to them naturally.

Anxious preoccupied: they overly seek reassurance and fear abandonment.
Avoidant: Comes in two flavors; Dismissive — Emotionally distant, self-absorbed, Fearful (Disorganized) — a combination of anxious and avoidant.

These two opposing types pull each other together.

Don’t let a fearful avoidant’s initial behavior fool you.

They may initially seem like an anxious person. Trust me. The last girl whom I’m almost certain was an FA had a lot of anxious tendencies — indecisiveness, social anxiety, and fear of abandonment.

She spent a lot of time trying to get to know me.

But what happened is she’d ask me a lot of questions and then forget — and then repeat the questions another time.

This behavior isn’t exclusive to avoidant attachment, but it might mean they’re anxious about getting too close — resulting in temporary forgetfulness.

That might have been a flaw of hers, but the other FAs I dated were similar. They’d ask a lot of personal questions up front without being emotionally present.

It was like I was being “pre-screened” more than anything else.

Almost like someone who needs “all the facts” before making a decision. In this case, FAs need to know “everything” about you before they open up and feel safe.

Before you assume otherwise, I’m aware there’s a basic level of trust needed. But there’s also a such thing as “too much of a good thing.”

Even with all the knowledge, it may never be “enough” for them.

And if a fearful avoidant feels you’ve betrayed them or triggered their mistrust of you, they’ll emotionally shut down and pull away like a dismissive-avoidant.

This is where all the unpredictability in the relationship comes in. Their behavior is hot and then cold. Incompatibility or “wrongdoing” is not the problem here. It’s all about fear.

So, if you hear, “You two just weren’t compatible,” what it really means is “They weren’t capable of honesty.”

The question you have to ask yourself is: Is a relationship like this worth it? Can they work on their fears, or will their fears dictate their behavior?

How to bridge the gap of intimacy

I’m going to be upfront.

Given their resistance to change, one of the greatest challenges is offering advice that’s guaranteed to work.

Unlike anxious types, who often feel the direct consequences of their attachment issues, avoidants rarely see their unavailability as an issue. Which means, they’re unlikely to change.

Changing your partner’s avoidant attachment issues is extremely difficult — pretty much impossible. They’re the only ones who can change.

And it will require professional therapy or counseling.

I would usually recommend simply avoiding dysfunctional relationships, but often, there’s a level of investment already in a relationship that may make it difficult to entirely leave.

Though, ultimatums are sometimes the only option.

I’ve thought about this lately as well: When it comes to connection, how much is necessary?

Could my FA partners have delivered?

Is it possible for highly anxious, fearful partners to meet one’s needs?

Possibly. And if so, there’s room for growth.

With my partners, there was potential for intimacy — buried under fear and anxiety, but these are all hypotheticals at this point.

However, most relationships end for a reason and already have a pre-determined expiration date that’s unknown. It’s how things are.

Emotional pacing

The main thing I learned about fearful-avoidant partners is pacing.

Realistically, like most people, you need to ease them into things slowly, but steadily. You can only move as fast as they’re able to.

And don’t let them dictate the relationship by dawdling or by bombarding you with questions.

With my anxious nature, I was quick to let them do that.

On my end, I’d over-invest emotionally, and I didn’t “ease” them into the relationship. This diagnosis is overly simplistic, but basically, I didn’t set limits with my FA partners.

To feel safe, they need a clear framework for the relationship.

They need structure.

They need to know that jumping to extremes or dumping all their baggage isn’t necessary. That helps ease their anxiety and other overwhelming feelings.

Setting clear and manageable limits with a fearful avoidant partner supports their need for consistency, safety, and certainty.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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