How Your Partner’s Need for Space Is Not About Self-Care

If you wonder why you’re partner is always saying ‘I need space’ when things get rough, this article is for you.

You can love someone romantically. But without them participating in the relationship, your energy could be spent in more positive ways than chasing them or wondering what’s going on.

This is why your partner keeps pulling away.

Relationships are essentially social contracts. I know that doesn’t sound romantic, but for an emotionally unavailable person, this is ten times harder to acknowledge.

They want the fun part of love and relationship without any of the drawbacks. And their disregard for the it is all about them. Not you.

By taking time away from you when things get hard, they’re showing you who they really are.

1. It’s an excuse to ‘check out’ emotionally

And when they do, I wouldn’t get my hopes up for them to check back in.

A couple of years ago my long-term partner came home one night and said, “Paul, we need time apart.”

She left for about a week, came back, and told me we were done. While the relationship was over, we still lived together, and I got firsthand experience of how true this is.

I was naive and thought ‘I need time apart to heal’ was a temporary thing. She did everything but try to heal. I actually lost count of how many times she was out partying during the month-and-a-half we remained living together.

Now, with avoidant or emotionally unavailable partners, they don’t actually emotionally ‘check out’ overnight.

It’s a long-term process. And they do it to protect themselves from feeling overwhelming emotions associated with the relationship.

During this time they will take all their feelings for you and stuff them so far down. It’s unlikely they’ll ever feel love for you again.

And the space they could have used to heal is misused. Instead, they will party, hook up, escape, or distract themselves from the problems going on in the relationship.

Here’s what I want you to do. I’m not saying a relationship is a job but think of it like one.

At a job, you’re hired and paid to do a task. Sounds simple. But if you use every opportunity to skate by or avoid the work you’re not fulfilling your obligation.

You know what I mean? Your employer won’t be happy if you clock out when it’s only convenient for you.

Same in a relationship. That’s what your avoidant partner is doing. And it’s not fair to you or the relationship itself.

2. ‘I need to focus on myself’

In a way, it’s almost taboo to call out someone who says, ‘I need to focus on myself.’ Because the thought is, “Who am I to judge or say what they’re doing with their time?”

And we tend to take people’s word for it or assume their intentions are more noble than they actually are.

But knowing myself, and my own avoidant tendencies, taking time away from a relationship or a person doesn’t really do anything.

People rarely embrace growth because there’s no reason to. There’s not enough pain. And pain and discomfort = motivation to change. The problem is, we have too many distractions these days to mask the discomfort.

Here’s why. My own story of personal growth speaks for itself on how difficult even intentional, self-focused inner work isn’t so easy…

I’d take two steps forward and then one step backward. So, for the avoidant whose default is to run away, can you truly expect that they’re using that time wisely for actual growth?

Unlikely.

They will give you the illusion of self-work or reflection, but relationship problems are not solved by taking space.

Let’s go back to the job example. A relationship is about two people doing the work. Someone who is always ‘taking space’ is not doing their part required to maintain the relationship.

Sort of like an employee who is always showing up late or calling out of work for a mental health day. But at some point, someone’s going to catch on.

And I’ve seen how the people who consistently call out, show up late, or put in minimal effort don’t last long. They either voluntarily quit or get fired.

And so the question becomes, when is enough, enough?

How much are you willing to tolerate from a partner who habitually doesn’t show up? Or the one who’s always pulling away?

3. They realize that avoidance is a useful strategy

Avoidance is a learned behavior.

And you see, even the most emotionally unavailable people want love, but they fear it or they’re not capable of it without making the necessary changes.

The worst part about it is most avoidants don’t even know they’re avoidant.

They might not see anything wrong with their passive behavior nor will they even realize that it’s sabotaging their relationships.

Avoidants learned at a young age that in order to survive childhood they could only rely on themselves.

That psychological muscle was well-conditioned, and we all know how hard it is to break a habit.

Plus, in the relationship, itself, it could start out small. Like saying, ‘I need space’ when you want to avoid an important topic, like commitment.

“Oh, why don’t we talk about that tomorrow?”

But then it’s never brought up again or if it is, they kick the can down the road.

Eventually, your partner will learn it’s okay to avoid the basics of the relationship. Unless you hold them accountable.

In a job, they can figure out how to do the bare minimum.

That’s why they called it ‘skating’ when I was in the Navy. It doesn’t take a lot of effort. And it’s not a viable option long term.

It’ll show up on their eval and they’ll pay the price later.

Long term, you might not want to keep your partner around. Or even worse, you’ll match their effort which wastes everyone’s time.

And so, while people get complacent for many reasons, it’s easy to forget that relationships are not obligations. As hard as it might be to hear, you’re not entitled to anyone’s love.

Love isn’t a free ride.

But we can think we can act according to our own discretion.

Love should not be a transaction, but if your significant other isn’t participating in the relationship (that they agreed to be in), it could be time to reassess whether this ought to be a long-term thing.

Final thoughts,

While it sounds like avoidants are the problem in the relationship it’s not the case. Their behavior is the issue. But the greater opportunity is your capability to set boundaries with them.

Because you’ll get more of what you tolerate.

So, if you want more participation and less pulling away, you need to express your requirements if you want the relationship to continue. For more insight on this, consider downloading your copy of my boundary cheat sheet here.

While it’s not a magic fix for everything in your relationship, it’s better than going blind.

Remember, love is a commitment, not an obligation.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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