Frustration and hurt are inevitable in intimate relationships. Why? Because we are flawed human beings who are bound to do things from time to time that are misattuned or don’t match our partners’ expectations. And for all kinds of reasons emotions run higher the closer we are tied. (See Why Do We Treat Our Loved Ones Worse Than Our Houseguests). The question is how to manage frustration and hurt so that they don’t become the dominant modes of communication, crowding out the good stuff. Because when that happens, relationships go to the grave.
First, let’s take a look at the makeup of these emotions, so we can understand what we’re talking about. Frustration is a variation of anger. Hurt is actually a blend of emotions, including anger, which tends to be the one most easily expressed. So both can come across with an angry — possibly hostile — tone. Anger in itself has value (as do all emotions). Its purpose is to energize us to either fight a threat, or to remove an obstacle in the way of a goal.
Hurt is a blend of emotions
Frustration comes up when something is thwarting our desire to accomplish something. This happens all the time in relationships because two people are not always going to want the same thing. Fairly often we even want opposite things! I’m a night owl and you’re an early bird. Or one partner is an extrovert and gets energy from socializing, the other an introvert and prefers space and downtime. One wants to spend, the other wants to save. And so on. (How do we differ?) So we are bound to frustrate each other in moments, and sometimes even chronically.
As for hurt, that’s what we feel when we believe we have been misunderstood, uncared for, or unappreciated — all variations of feeling mistreated. Hurt is a complex of other emotions similar to grief. It almost always includes anger, plus elements of sadness and/or fear.
The problem with primarily expressing anger is that it is usually not a particularly connecting emotion, due its intended functions of obstacle removal or fighting, both of which are “pushing away” actions. Because anger feels energizing, it can feel subjectively good and empowering. But at the same time it can paradoxically make it harder for you to receive the understanding or empathy you are seeking.
Getting angry may feel empowering, but can paradoxically block what you are seeking
The presence of strong anger creates another problem, which is that anger and empathy are to some extent incompatible in the brain. From an evolutionary perspective, if you are confronted by a hungry lion, mobilizing anger to fight or flee is more important than feeling compassion for the deadly animal! So the more anger the hurt partner leads with, the more likely the other partner will end up hurt too. At that point both partners are stuck wanting empathy from each other, but are stymied from giving it because both are now hurt!
It is important to mention that for some people, being demonstrably angry and even fighting is better than feeling abandoned, shut out, or disconnected, because at least it feels like engagement. If that is a feature of your relationship, then the primary task is creating more positive engagement so that the neglected-feeling partner doesn’t need to resort to fighting in order to feel connected. And don’t mistake intensity for intimacy.
A common pattern is when Partner A is angry and trying to engage because they are frustrated and/or hurt, and Partner B is feeling shut down or driven away in response to A’s hostile tone. This creates a vicious cycle in which the shutting down of one feeds the frustration of the other which feeds the shutting down…ad infinitum. As I’ve discussed elsewhere, this is a circular, causal cycle in which neither person is to blame but they are co-creating misery in their system of two.
Anger-hurt cycles can result in a system of misery
Making the cycle even more insidious is that when we are angry we often do not realize how angry we look or sound to the other person. Similarly, the shutting-down person often doesn’t realize how painful the disconnection is for their partner. It’s hard to have perspective on yourself, much less under stress. Both partners justify their own behaviors, and feel wronged by the other, perpetuating the cycle.
So what to do?
For starters, verbally labeling frustration and anger is better than acting them out. Better to say “I’m really frustrated,” than (with hostile tone): “You just disappear and don’t say anything and then I don’t know where you are!?” Even better, locate the softer, more vulnerable feelings within yourself that are variations of sadness or fear. For example, (with softer tone: ) “When you go away without letting me know that you’re going, I feel sad and alone.” Or “When you’re missing without explanation I worry about our disconnection. And if you’re gone for long I start to worry for your safety.”
It takes time, courage, and persistence, but being vulnerable by noticing and labeling softer feelings is the way out of the vicious cycle.
Similarly with hurt, saying “I’m hurt,” is a start. (Note this is better than “You hurt me,” or “That was hurtful,” both of which tend to blame/shame/hurt your partner and make it harder for them to respond, as described above.) But even more connecting would be something like, “When you didn’t comment on my outfit I felt sad that my efforts to look nice for you seemed to go unrecognized.”
And remember: while it’s important to let your partner know when you’re unhappy, good relationships can’t be built on expressions of hurt and anger alone. Cultivate your ability to label all emotions, and to get below the instinctive outbursts of hostile feelings to the softer, more inviting ones. In addition — as John Gottman points out — master couples make a habit of noticing the good things in their relationships, and in each other. Pick your battles, develop those positive habits, and don’t let negativity-bias overtake your connection.
Robert Solley is a psychologist with a private practice in The Mission, San Francisco
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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