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As a mom and physician, I remember how difficult it was at times for my husband to have to deal with my long work days. Although he would do whatever it took to make our family work, his doing so did not take away my feeling that I should be doing more, nor did it take away the guilt I sometimes felt about not being at home.
Moms who also work outside the home often feel that no one except for other employed moms understand what we are going through. And even then, the conversation isn’t enough to make our feelings of guilt subside. As women, we want to have the option to work and have a career, as well as raise a family without the stigma. Two income households have become the majority and yet we still face societal pressure. We often struggle with trying to be the perfect mom and wife and also perform to the level of our male counterparts at work.
A husband can help his wife better deal with the emotion of guilt. Working moms often feel guilty about not being present 100% of the time for their family. As a working mom, I would hear some women say, “I don’t know how she does it all” or “I would feel bad if I couldn’t be there.” A woman’s decision to work is personal and should not be judged by society, family or friends.
Working moms often feel guilty about not being home with the children because of the roles defined for us by society. We feel guilty about not being able to make PTA meetings and class trips and feel added pressure about the decision to work and not be stay-at-home moms. If I couldn’t make a meeting or activity, and my husband could, he would send pictures or give me minute by minute updates of a game so that I felt included and the kids knew that I was engaged. These are examples of ways you can make it easier for your spouse to deal with the emotion when she may have missed an important event.
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What Employed Mothers Need in Order to Thrive at Home and at Work
Acceptance
Working moms sometimes feel like they are not accepted by their coworkers or other moms. We must try to figure out work-life balance with a busy career. This may mean leaving the office early, working flex hours and taking off when the kids are sick. This missed time from work can sometimes be perceived as not putting in the time like everyone else. It can also cause fear of repercussions. Feeling accepted for our role as a contributor to the work force and a primary caregiver helps boost our self-confidence and allows us to be more productive. Just understanding this daily struggle of what we feel and experience as working moms can help spouses provide the necessary support and resources when faced with unexpected challenges like a sick child or family member.
Appreciation
Working moms want to know that the people in our lives appreciate all that we do and the sacrifices that we make. The feeling of appreciation can be in the form of getting the kids ready for bed after a long work day, or a simple surprise such as flowers or a date night. Often the words ‘I appreciate all you do’ can go a long way to helping working moms get that boost of energy they need to keep going.
A supportive partner
Husbands who share the responsibilities of child-rearing and household duties help working moms in their quest for work-life balance. It also helps build a stronger, more equal marriage and a deeper understanding of each other roles. It helps working moms become better at their jobs because we are not constantly thinking about how things are going to get done.
A place to be vulnerable
Working moms try to hide their feelings at work to avoid appearing weak and unable to handle the pressure. We also fear being rejected by coworkers. We need a safe place with our spouses to be ourselves, to open up about our feelings and to not feel afraid to do so. Opening up and sharing our feelings does not mean that we want you to provide a solution to the problem. Just being there, listening and providing a shoulder to lean can do wonders for improving communication.
Compassion and understanding from our spouses is so important as it allows us to do what we love and be the amazing caregivers that we are.
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Editor’s note: Do men feel this way? Do men who work outside the home feel like they should be doing more at home and guilty if they don’t? Does the working wife of a stay-at-home dad feel this way, too? Tell us in the comments section below or submit your own personal story related.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
As a young man, I already know that I would want to be involved in my potential children’s lives, even if I work full-time. However, I do believe that mothers all across the animal kingdom have some innate instinct that forces them to think about the condition of their offspring constantly. I do wonder how much children today will suffer from most households having both parents working as breadwinners.
I feel your concern, but I don’t think children suffer just because both parents work. As long as both parents are committed to putting family first and providing an environment where children can grow and flourish, they can actually thrive. In addition to providing for children financially, parents must provide a healthy environment which includes being present both emotionally and physically. However, the decision to work or stay home is a decision that is individual to each family and must be agreed upon by both parties with expectations of roles being discussed up front.