I Broke My One Relationship Rule

My son and I were out recently. We were in a large group of people. I overheard him say something. It surprised me. He turned to another young guy while pointing at me.

“She’s always told us something since we were little. When we left our house we were to treat everyone with kindness and respect. It wasn’t negotiable.”

I smiled.

Our children do remember some of the things we get right.

I was never the mother who pushed for straight A’s. I was never the mother who put my children in seven types of accelerated sports or programs. I was never the mother who needed overachievers.

I wanted to raise confident, happy, good people with strong values.

I did live by certain mantras.

Words I crafted that imparted larger truths. It was part writer, part the way I was raised, and part that I’ve always been motivated by love, relationships, and values.

I imparted these mantras in my children.

As they got older, I added something to that aforementioned parenting.

“Popularity is not a goal. It’s a by-product of treating every human being the same…with kindness and respect.”

Of course, I meant this in the human capacity, not the saintly one. I’ve had plenty of bad days. I’ve had my moments. I’ve had plenty of indiscretions. But holistically speaking, I do abide by kindness and respect.

I would categorize that as my number one relationship rule for myself.

The expectation I have of myself.

But I have a different relationship rule for others.

It relates to confidence.

I coined it in several other personal mantras. Two different phrases I would tell my boys since they were in elementary school.

“If I do my job right, you will be confident enough to never need to make another person feel bad to make yourself feel good.”

“Likewise,” I would tell them. “Make sure you gravitate toward confident people. Confident people have the ability to feel your pain, celebrate your joy, and see you for who you truly are.”

I’ve lived by this.

I’ve gravitated toward confident individuals.

With one exception. A major exception. I married an insecure man. I was confused by him. He projected confidence. It took me years to realize this, and a psychologist marriage counselor to reinforce the truth.

It made sense.

He didn’t treat me well.

But our romantic relationships are far more complicated than most friendships.

I’ve had bigger boundaries with my friendships. I typically don’t let anyone get close to me who doesn’t possess core self-esteem. It’s multi-faceted. Confident people aren’t complicated.

They aren’t difficult.

They tend to have mature egos, communicate respectfully, and allow others to be who they are. They make relationships easier. They make relationships calmer rather than chaotic.

But I broke this rule recently.

I justified allowing an insecure person into my world.

I paid the price for it. It’s the price we typically pay for allowing people who lack self-esteem into our lives. It brought upset, conflict, and angst. It made me feel bad about myself.

It was unnecessary.

I set myself up for it by breaking my number one relationship rule.

Gravitate toward confident people.

If you’re curious about differentiating between a confident person and an insecure individual…here’s a litmus test for you. It’s not about them. The answer lies with you and the interaction.

A Confident Interaction

If you’re in the presence of a confident friend you will typically feel good about yourself. This person doesn’t need to make you feel bad, in order to make themselves feel good.

It’s a healthier friendship.

A confident friendship realizes we all have faults and strengths. It’s not a criticizing friendship. It’s an understanding one. It feels safe.

An Insecure Interaction

If you’re in the presence of an insecure friend you may be made to feel badly about yourself. They may diminish you. They may be highly critical of you.

They may mock you.

They may say they’re doing this because they ‘care’ about you. They may tell you they’re only ‘joking.’ They’re not. They need to break you down to build themselves up.

This negative interaction can make (even a non-defensive) personality feel the need to defend themselves.

My marriage counselor always said the indicator of a healthy relationship isn’t how we feel about him/her. It’s about how we feel about ourselves when we are with him/her.

Did I recognize the insecurities of the individual I allowed into my world?

Yes.

I justified it. I slipped into old patterns. I told myself this person had a good heart. I’ve done that as an adult. I’ve done that as an enabler. I just don’t typically allow those people to get close to me.

I remain friendly with them instead.

I don’t allow them to attack the way I feel about myself.

I’m annoyed with myself.

I can’t believe I allowed someone to say the things this person said to me. The arrogance of someone who feels they can tell you everything they don’t like about you is galling.

As if they are sans any faults.

I couldn’t have chosen a worse time to allow this person into my life. I’m rebuilding my life. I’ve beaten myself up for my mistakes. I don’t need any assistance.

I won’t be breaking my number one relationship rule any time soon. I can’t even call this a lesson learned. I already knew the problem with individuals who lack confidence.

As my brother says, “You knew it was a snake when you touched it.”