I Don’t Believe in the “One That Got Away”

They say everyone has one.

The One That Got Away.

At some point, we’ve all whispered it to our best friend over a third glass of wine: “He was the one that got away.” It’s the phrase we save for the ones who slipped through our fingers.

Perhaps you were young and naïve. Or scared. Or you didn’t dare to commit. Either way, the thought lingers: What if I had made it work?

But here’s my confession:

I don’t believe in the one that got away.

Not anymore.

In fact, I don’t think that person ever existed.

The myth of “The One”

Let’s start with the core problem. The myth of “the one that got away” is a fake narrative romanticising loss.

From a young age, we hear about The One. That irreplaceable person who is supposed to complete us. We see it in movies, books, songs, and even in the stories of our parents.

And when we fail to meet those expectations?

We tell ourselves we missed out on something extraordinary, that perfect person who was meant to be with us. And that idealization keeps the wound fresh. We can never fully move on from something when we hold it on a pedestal like that, convincing ourselves it was meant to be.

But “The One” and the “one that got away” are comforting stories we tell ourselves to make sense of relationships that didn’t work out or never materialized. We see it as something we can’t have, and in that, we make it special.

But that specialness is a figment of our imagination.

Nostalgia is a bitch.

When we tell ourselves that the person who slipped away was the “one,” we play a dangerous game with nostalgia. Nostalgia, after all, is a powerful force. It filters the past and smooths over all the flaws and mistakes. It highlights the good parts and erases the bad.

Unfinished love is seductive. It doesn’t disappoint. It doesn’t leave socks on the floor or forget your birthday, or make you feel small in the middle of an argument.

It stays shiny. Uncomplicated. And we get to carry it like an heirloom, untarnished by reality.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself romanticizing an old relationship, seeing it through rose-coloured glasses, remembering only the moments that made me feel seen or wanted.

But what I didn’t remember — what I didn’t want to remember — was the tension in our interactions, the small ways we disappointed each other.

Yet, every time we romanticize the person who left, we teach our nervous system that almost is the highest we can reach.

Stop chasing ghosts.

When we believe in the “one that got away,” we glorify that missed connection and build a shrine around it. It becomes the ghost we keep calling back into our lives, long after the person has moved on.

I know what it’s like to linger in the past. I’ve had my share of what-ifs. What if I had said something different? What if I had been braver? What if I had fought harder for it?

But the what-if mentality paralyzes us. It won’t change the past. And it certainly won’t improve the future. It’s a form of emotional self-sabotage, convincing us that the best version of our story is a re-run of the past.

The more we entertain the “what ifs,” the more we solidify the idea that something was “lost” — as if the only way to be happy is to rewind and go back.

Instead of asking “What if I had done something different?” we should be asking, “What if the best is yet to come?”

Today, I am sure of one thing: the person who’s meant for you won’t slip away. People don’t “get away” like loose balloons drifting helplessly into the sky.

People make choices. And if someone chose to go, or chose not to fight for you, or chose silence when what you needed was truth — it wasn’t fate. It’s called free will.

Perfection is a burden.

When we place our hopes on the theory of “The One,” we subscribe to the idea that love should be perfect. That when you meet the right person, everything clicks. That there will be no obstacles, fights, or discomfort. It’s supposed to be effortless, right?

But that’s not real love. Real love is messy. It’s imperfect. It’s full of learning, growth, and sometimes hard work.

The idea of “The One” suggests that there is a perfect match for each of us out there, no inner work necessary. But no person can carry the weight of perfection. No person will solve all your problems or fill all your emotional gaps. The myth of “The One” places an unrealistic burden on love that it can never bear.

Instead of looking for someone who fits an idealistic version of “The One,” we should be looking for a partnership built on mutual growth, respect, and a shared willingness to work through life’s inevitable challenges together.

Relationships are about choice.

Let me offer you this: the person who’s meant for you isn’t someone you have to chase or make work. They won’t slip away. The connection won’t feel like an accident. There won’t be a “what if” hanging over your head.

Think about the relationships that have come and gone. Did they end because you missed your chance? Or did they end because, as people, you weren’t right for each other at that point in your life? Perhaps you both needed to grow. Or you were both running from something, or it wasn’t the right time.

The truth is, when two people are meant to meet, grow, and stay, the Universe has a way of making it happen. Relationships are two people deciding to be with each other, not because they’re perfect, but because they choose each other, every day.

And here’s the thing: there’s no “one that got away.” Every relationship, every connection, no matter how brief, was part of the journey that led you to where you are today. And that’s valuable. That’s important.

Because they weren’t “the one that got away.” They were a one who came to teach you something, open you up, break you down, and leave you a little wiser than they found you.

You didn’t miss your shot.

The moment I stopped believing in the “one that got away” was the moment I stopped looking backwards. Holding onto past connections was keeping me from embracing what was in front of me. The person who was meant for me didn’t need to be a ghost from the past.

And when I stopped looking back, I finally saw the truth: there is no “one that got away,” because we create our path forward. The past doesn’t define us, and neither does the person who didn’t stay. The future is wide open, full of possibilities.

If you’ve ever thought you missed your shot with someone or that a piece of your heart will always be reserved for that “one that got away,” it’s time to let go. It’s time to make peace with the fact that some things didn’t work out because they weren’t meant to.

With the right person, there won’t be any confusion, doubt or wondering about what could’ve been.

You will know.

You can’t lose what’s meant for you.

Here’s what I believe now.

I believe in timing, yes. I believe in epic love, in those once-in-a-lifetime kind of sparks. But I also believe in choice. I believe in people showing up and sticking around.

I believe in the ones who stay.
I believe in love that doesn’t require you to lose yourself.
And I believe the person who is meant for you won’t need convincing, chasing, or perfect circumstances.

They’ll just know.
And so will you.

So no, I don’t believe in the one that got away.

I believe in the one who shows up — and stays.

And if someone left?

Let them.

Because if they were really “the one,” they wouldn’t be gone.

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👉 Download my transformational workbook, The Art of Letting Go, here, and start reprogramming your mind, body, and energy for true surrender.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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