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I pulled into a parking spot today, pulled the key out of the ignition and literally put my hand in front of my face. Nothing really was wrong, I was fine. But I was shaking.
Which was a little nerve-wracking because I was so in my head I didn’t even remember the drive over. I couldn’t tell you the color of the car in front of me before I pulled in. Driving is a habit, sure, but the driving part wasn’t the problem.
The problem is I’m like this…a lot.
*plays dramatic music*
. . .
Drama aside, I’ve been having these moments a lot lately. As I’ve learned to become more mindful I’ve also discovered how much of a trap my mind is. How if I’m not living inside of it, I’m almost bored by the entire room around me.
I’ll sit up after being in bed for 20 minutes and realize I wasn’t even listening to the room. All I’ve done is played out my life on a loop or thought about how I needed to get something done for my boss in the morning.
The mind is powerful, which I guess makes it toxic. It grabs you and can hang on without you ever really waking up to it. We exist in endless habits and days that pass by without realizing how long has gone by.
It’s a fight to be awake nowadays. Through cell-phone screens, binge-drinking and a news-cycle that smacks me in the face every few days.
I wanna be awake. I just wanna be here.
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This post was previously published on www.medium.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Istockphoto.com
