I Got Alimony. Should I Have?

My ex and I had an amicable divorce. When we split up, he happily agreed to pay me alimony. Was this fair?

You see, I don’t think marriage is like the Hotel California. If you don’t like it, you should be able to leave. And you shouldn’t be penalized for that.

As far as alimony — it’s a relic of an outmoded system in which women were dependents. Once upon a time, women could not own property. They were dependent on their father, husband or son for support.

As recently as 1974, banks in the United States required a woman to bring a man along to cosign a credit application, regardless of her income.

This isn’t the case anymore. Women work. They earn their own money and they have their own bank accounts. They have the right to their own property. While they haven’t achieved full equality, at the same time, they can no longer be classified as dependents.

So, why should an independent adult be entitled to alimony?

It makes no sense.

That being said, I can see some exceptions.

For example, my former mother-in-law was a home-maker. She raised the children and supported her husband’s career. They had 6 children. To me, that is much more demanding than most professions. When she and her husband divorced, she got alimony and no one, including her spouse, had an issue with this.

However, she and her husband were products of a bygone era.
Modern couples don’t assume the wife will stay home with the children. Both partners may work, or the husband might be the stay-at-home parent.

If a couple mutually decides one of them will stay home with the kids, thus taking a hit to his or her earning potential, then alimony may make sense if they get divorced.

Health problems may be another factor.

In my case, when my husband and I got married, I had just gotten out of graduate school and it took me about 6 months to find a job. During that time, he supported me. However, once I got a job, I made 50% more than he did. I was the primary breadwinner in our family.

However, when I was in my mid-30s, I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast disease.
It’s a type of cancer that had a very high mortality rate. 85% of the people who got it died within 5 years. I quit working while I fought for my life. My husband wholeheartedly supported this.

The cancer, chemo and radiation ravaged my body. Before the cancer, I worked 50–60 hour weeks as an engineer, no problems. After, I could barely manage a couple of hours of light housework. I struggled with constant fatigue and exhaustion.

My ex told me not to worry about going back to work, he’d support me. Over the years, I brought this up several times. Each time, he told me he wanted to take care of me. I agreed because, the sad fact is, my energy levels are a fraction of what they used to be.

So when he asked me for a divorce — he told me that he was planning to pay me alimony. He even showed me an email he’d sent to his new lover. He told her he’d be providing me support for as long as I needed. He assumed he’d pay me for as long as I needed.

I decided this was folly.

I looked up Texas law. If we went the legal route, he’d be liable to pay me for at least 10 years based on how long we’d been married and my medical condition.

I told him that I’d rather he give me a larger sum per month for 3 years. That’s because I wanted a launch pad, not a crutch.

“I want you to pay me enough so I’m not stressed,” I told him. “I want a larger sum, but only for 3 years. That should give me a long enough runway. Afterwards, we can both move on with our lives independent of each other.”

He agreed and we signed a contract.

I could have gotten more. He’d cheated on me while I was dealing with a secondary cancer. He left before I recovered from a mastectomy. I could have used his guilt to get a more generous deal. But that felt wrong. A good agreement is one which both parties feel is fair.

You might wonder — why was it important for me to be fair to someone who had cheated on me? Aside from the fact that it was the right thing to do, by focusing on fairness, I avoided bitterness and anger. I didn’t want these destructive emotions to have power over me as I embarked on a new life.

So, is alimony still relevant today?

It depends. It no longer makes sense to assume the husband should pay the wife. However, there may be times when a couple decides one partner should get ongoing support, particularly if there are children involved or if one party has a health issue.

Alimony should not, however, be used as a cudgel to punish. Ultimately, the best thing for a divorced couple is for both parties to move on with their lives. Revenge, anger, and, yes, alimony are all things that can prevent that. It’s seldom worth it to maintain that tie when a marriage is over.

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Previously published on medium

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