Criticism sucks.
Especially when you were trying your best / thought you were doing the right thing / were pretty pleased with your efforts (delete as appropriate).
I know how bad it feels because I’m feeling it right now. I got criticized yesterday. Something I worked hard on got picked apart.
Join me as I attempt to find a positive and healthy way to handle the negative feedback.
A Knockout Blow
The criticism given to me was not mean or unfair. It was accurate and delivered in a friendly way.
It was everything but the words that hit me the hardest.
It was clear to me that this person did not rate my approach at all. They didn’t get it, couldn’t get excited by it, and failed to see the potential for it to be better than OK.
Wow, that hit hard.
My first response was unhelpful.
I felt angry. I got upset and had a beer or three (on a supposedly booze-free evening) and ate a load of unhealthy snacks along the way.
So here I am the next day, tired and irritable (because of my first unhelpful reaction,) making sense of it. This is live self-help, welcome along.
When we get challenged, we can turn to our values. Two values I rely on are honesty and positivity.
The honesty part is this — listen to criticism if you value the opinion of the person who gave it.
The positivity part is here in this article — thoughts, research, and analysis to help handle criticism in the best way.
Separate Yourself
I felt frustrated because I didn’t get a chance to explain my approach. I could predict the feedback I was going to get, and I knew some of it already.
But there was no option other than to listen and not react.
To take criticism without responding is hard. But the upside is it ensures the feedback you get is complete.
In her book, ‘Radical Candor,’ CEO coach Kim Malone Scott explains what happened when a student of hers adjusted his approach to one-on-one meetings with the people he managed.
He forced himself to listen, silently, with no reaction at all, for 10 minutes out of the 60:
“What did you learn in those ten minutes that you didn’t learn the other fifty?” I asked. “I heard the things I didn’t want to hear,” my student said. “If I gave any reaction at all, people would often tell me what they thought I wanted to hear. I found that they were much more likely to say what they thought — even if it wasn’t what I was hoping to hear — when I was careful not to show what I thought.”
― Kim Malone Scott, ‘Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity’
I feel better already.
If I’d had the chance to argue my position, the person giving me feedback probably would have held back a bit. I would have still gone through the discomfort without getting all the useful information.
If you’re getting criticism, you may as well squeeze all the gain out of that pain.
We need to be able to separate ourselves from the criticism we are receiving. That stops the hurt and allows learning and progress.
Create space between you and the negative feedback.
You could write the criticism down (literally get it out of your head), put it in a drawer, and return to it in a few days. In the moments straight after the criticism, perhaps take yourself off to a different place entirely.
You might deliberately choose to interact with someone else on something different to give your brain a break from the bad stuff.
I don’t think a bit of escapism is wrong when dealing with criticism. But promise yourself you will go back to it at some point.
Switch Positions
So much of how we see life depends on just that — how we see it.
Our default is to view all our life experiences from our perspective, complete with all our lenses, unconscious bias, and baggage.
To take the sting out of criticism — we could try to put ourselves in the shoes of the person who criticized us.
What was their motivation? What were they trying to achieve? If they could choose how we’d react to what they said, what would be the ideal response?
It often feels like the world is against us, but it isn’t.
The overwhelming majority of people who criticize you are trying to help, even if they do it clumsily. On the rare occasions they are trying to put you down, you can still gain from objectively analyzing their feedback.
I’m thinking back now to the criticism I got yesterday.
The desire was to help me improve. The aim was to remind me of basics that I had learned already, knew well, but hadn’t put in place this time.
They were trying to get me to the next level.
I know that I am capable of much more, but that work did not show it.
An ideal reaction would be to remember my basics, get back on the horse, and try again.
Just writing this section has helped me. Switching positions works.
Which Do You Want: Carrot Or Stick?
Criticism feels like an absolute. Someone thinks something I did was not very good. Therefore I am not very good.
Not true.
Only you — the person criticized — choose what impact it has on you.
Do you want to see the feedback as a carrot — a pathway to improvement that you welcome and pursue? Like a donkey walking in the direction of the carrot dangled enticingly just out of reach.
Or, do you want to see the feedback as a stick — a cause of pain and anger to escape? Like a donkey walking away from a thwack on its backside.
Both techniques get the donkey to move forward, but they work in opposite ways.
It is perfectly valid to ignore criticism.
If you consider it objectively and disagree, dismiss it. Don’t let it bother you. Press on.
Or use it as motivation. Stick a metaphorical middle finger in the air and set out to prove that person wrong.
I would classify both of these approaches as the stick.
It is also valid to embrace criticism. Take it on the chin, take it to heart, learn from it (however painful that may be), and even thank the person for giving it to you.
Choose to look forward to the next bit of negative feedback you get because it will be another chance to learn.
This approach is an example of a carrot.
Choose whichever one you like in any particular scenario. But be aware that the power is in your hands.
“It doesn’t matter how much authority or power a feedback giver has; the receivers are in control of what they do and don’t let in, how they make sense of what they’re hearing, and whether they choose to change.”
— Douglas Stone, ‘Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well’
Thinking of my situation, the feedback giver does speak with authority. They have a track record of success and years of experience.
I respect them and want to learn from them. So it makes very little sense to dismiss their critique.
So, I choose to let it all in. I decide to change. I pick the carrot.
Again, this approach has helped me. Recognize the power you have as the feedback receiver, then make a conscious choice between carrot and stick.
Key Take-Aways
We will all receive criticism throughout our lives, so it is worth learning how to handle it. These three techniques are all helpful:
- Separate Yourself — Try not to argue back. Let the criticizer express themselves fully. Then give yourself space before analyzing and reacting.
- Switch Positions — Put yourselves in the shoes of the person criticizing and assume they are trying to help. How does the feedback sound now?
- Recognise The Power Is With You — Only you decide whether to let the feedback in, whether you treat it as a carrot or stick and whether you choose to change or not.
It’s impossible to live a life without criticism because none of us are perfect.
I learned a lot from researching and writing this article. Handling criticism is something I will do better from now on.
And my first reaction will no longer be to grab a beer.
—
Previously published on medium
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: by Levi Midnight on Unsplash