I Hate People. (And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves)

I’ve been guilty of saying it more times than I can count: “I hate people.”

Usually muttered under my breath in traffic, at the grocery store, on the phone with customer service, or (let’s be honest) after logging onto social media for thirty seconds. There’s something that just grinds at the soul when the world seems brimming with rudeness, ignorance, entitlement, or straight-up nonsense. And so, in a moment of frustration, out spills the phrase: “I hate people.”

I’ve also been known to say, “The only issue with this location… this event… this trip… is the people.” And I hear it from my clients all the time too. They feel heavy from the interactions, tired of the drama, burned out on the betrayal or lack of awareness. It’s become a sort of coping mechanism, a blanket judgment we use to protect ourselves from the pain of disappointment. But here’s the uncomfortable truth. One I had to stare straight in the face over and over again:

If you hate people, you don’t really love yourself.

Let me explain.

See, once upon a time, we were community creatures. We needed each other. We sat in circles, not rows. We gathered to grieve, to celebrate, to hunt, to harvest, to sing. The survival of the group was the survival of the individual. And somewhere along the way — industrialization, modern tech, social media echo chambers, rugged individualism — we replaced communal living with curated isolation. We started competing with each other instead of collaborating. We started measuring our worth based on who had more likes, more success, more validation.

Now, we look out at the world and see threats instead of kin.

It’s easier to cast stones. It’s easier to say, “If only they were more like me, the world would be a better place.” But who gets to decide what “better” looks like? You? Me? Karen on Facebook?

That line of thinking is just dressed-up elitism. It’s arrogance cloaked in righteousness. And it doesn’t solve a damn thing, not in the world, not in your neighborhood, not even in your own house.

You know where that attitude thrives? In separation. In the hatred. In judgment. In the echo chamber of superiority and shame.

And the wildest part? That very attitude, the one so ready to scream at the world and write everyone off… is usually hiding something much more personal. When we say we hate people, what we often mean (without realizing it) is, I hate the parts of myself I see in them.

I hate that they remind me of my own laziness, entitlement, shame, fragility, insecurity, or fear. I hate that I still haven’t forgiven myself for doing or being those things once. I hate that I don’t feel powerful enough to change the world, so I resent the people in it instead.

And look, I get it. It feels like crap to be disappointed by others. It’s easier to armor up and push the world away than it is to be soft, open, vulnerable. But here’s the hard truth no one wants to admit: If you are constantly judging and resenting others, you are in a toxic relationship with yourself.

You’re not hating others because they’re so unlovable. You’re hating them because you’re projecting your inner war onto them.

Self-love doesn’t happen in a bubble. You can’t just sage your room, write affirmations on your mirror, and suddenly be full of compassion while you rage at every person who cuts you off or lives differently than you do.

You learn to love yourself through others.

Through how you treat them.

Through how you forgive them.

Through how you choose to see the good in them when it’s easier to walk away.

Because if you can’t offer grace to your neighbor, how will you ever truly offer grace to yourself?

And here’s the punch to the gut…

the things that trigger you the most in other people are giant neon signs pointing to your own unresolved pain.

You know the one who’s always late and disorganized?

Maybe you hate how unstructured your own life feels. The one who’s loud and craves attention?

Maybe you’ve silenced your own voice for years. The one who doesn’t work hard enough, isn’t deep enough, doesn’t care enough?

Maybe you’re exhausted from the impossible standard you hold yourself to, and you’re just jealous they’ve managed to not give a damn.

We don’t just despise people for their flaws. We despise them for their freedom. The freedom to be something we don’t let ourselves be. The freedom to show up imperfectly and still be here.

So, what happens when we start choosing differently? When instead of saying “I hate people,” we start asking, “Where do I still need to love myself?”

It’s not about becoming a doormat or excusing bad behavior. It’s about understanding that what we hate in others is usually just an invitation to go inward.

To get honest.

To get curious.

To get free.

To say, “That judgment I’m casting… is it about them, or is it about me?”

To say, “That person I can’t stand… what mirror are they holding up for me right now?”

Here’s something I’ve noticed, the people who have the deepest compassion for others tend to be the ones who’ve faced their own darkness and come out the other side with humility. They’ve wrestled with shame, sat with grief, and chosen to forgive themselves anyway. And because they’ve done that, they see the humanity in everyone else.

They’re not more spiritual.

They’re not better people.

They’ve just practiced loving themselves by loving others, and vice versa.

It doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. That’s impossible (and frankly, unnecessary). But it does mean that your relationship with humanity is a mirror. And if it’s cracked and cruel and full of venom, chances are your relationship with you feels the same way underneath all the spiritual wallpaper and personal development books.

So, start small. Next time you catch yourself judging someone harshly, pause. Ask yourself, “What part of me does this bring up? What part of me is still hurting here?”

Compassion doesn’t always start with the people who deserve it. Sometimes it starts with the people who piss us off. Because it’s in those gritty, uncomfortable moments that we’re shown exactly where our work still lives.

The truth is, you can’t love yourself while hating the world. And you can’t heal the world while hating yourself.

If you want to find peace, connection, and self-respect, you’re going to have to risk caring again.

Even when it’s messy.

Even when people let you down.

Even when it’s easier to scroll past or write them off.

And maybe, just maybe, the more you practice that…

the more you’ll realize:

You never really hated people.

You just didn’t know how to love yourself yet.

Ready to stop pointing fingers and start healing what’s really keeping you stuck? If you’re done living in disconnect — both from yourself and others — book your Activation Call now. We’ll uncover the root, break the cycle, and start building the version of you that doesn’t just cope, but actually thrives. It’s time.

Let’s get honest, clear, and activated. Comment ACTIVATE.

As always loving you from here,

Rene Schooler

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This post was previously published on medium.com.