I Have Said So Many Goodbyes That Now I Fear Saying Hello

People say beginnings are beautiful. That there is hope in them. That every hello is the start of something magical. And maybe they are right. But I wouldn’t know much about that.

Because lately, I’ve been thinking more about endings. About the way they sneak up on you. Quietly at first, like the sound of distant thunder, and then all at once.

I’ve said too many goodbyes in this life. Some were small. Some were gut-wrenching. Some I saw coming, others I never had a chance to prepare for. I’ve said goodbye to places, to habits, to people I loved more than they’ll ever understand. I’ve said goodbye with long texts and even longer silences. With tears I couldn’t hold back, and with smiles that barely held.

And after every goodbye, I learned how to keep going. I learned how to clean the kitchen even when my heart felt like a collapsed house. How to return calls and water plants, and fold laundry like nothing had changed. I got good at surviving.

But survival makes you cautious. It teaches you not to get too comfortable. To look for the cracks before the ground can shake. So now, even the idea of saying hello feels like holding a match near my skin. Not because I don’t want to feel again, but because I know what it costs.

Trusting someone again means handing over all the soft parts of yourself and hoping they won’t drop them. And that hope, it’s heavier than it looks.

I want to believe in hellos. I do. I want to believe in laughter that doesn’t have an expiry date. In conversations that don’t fade out. In love that doesn’t pack up one day and leave without taking the memories with it.

But today? Today, I miss the version of me who used to run toward things instead of walking away from them. Who didn’t hesitate before letting someone in? Who didn’t flinch when people said, ‘This feels real.’

I don’t have a tidy ending to this thought. I don’t have clarity or courage or any of the things you’re supposed to hold onto at the end of a long day. I just know that my heart feels a little heavier today.

And that I’ve said so many goodbyes, that now I fear saying hello.

Day 111/200

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~ A

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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