Behind every confident man, there’s a woman waiting to prove him wrong. And then, there’s Google.
I used to find it very hard to admit my mistakes. Just like I found it hard to ask others for help.
Not being good at something straight away made me quit early on rather than try to get better. I was a failure hater and like most failure haters I was reluctant to change, constantly filled with self-doubt, and I would start projects without finishing them.
Did you know that 31% of failure haters suffer from Impostor Syndrome, while a staggering 51% don’t even bother to set goals, as they don’t think they can achieve them? [1]
In contrast, failure embracers are self-aware, mentally flexible, hard-working, and good at resolving conflicts. They are willing to improve themselves, more likely to have high self-esteem, and less likely to ruminate excessively. They are good at empathizing with people and fairly good at coping with stress.
Mistakes happen. At work, in relationships, towards close friends and family. But are you able to see the value of failure?
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Admitting Mistakes Is Hard but Necessary
What makes it so hard?
As social psychologist Elliot Aronson says in his book, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), our brains are struggling to convince us that we are always doing the right thing, even when evidence to the contrary is quite overwhelming.
It is hard to accept our weaknesses — much less admit them publicly — because we want to see ourselves in a positive light. Nobody wants to fail, yet it happens. And when it happens, we resort impulsively to self-justification.
Avoiding responsibility for actions that end up being immoral, harmful, or plain stupid, is almost like a natural instinct. Our brain is simply wired like that, and the more there is at stake, the harder it is to admit.
People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.
— C.G. Jung
Why is it necessary?
To err is human; to forgive, divine. To admit is powerful and hot. It shows honesty, maturity, responsibility, trustworthiness, and respect. It increases your credibility as a leader, and it reduces your stress levels.
By admitting your mistakes, not only do you get to learn from them, but you also set the tone for open communication. Plus you avoid additional mistakes trying to cover up the original one.
In the words of others:
It’s when you acknowledge your weakness by admitting to wrongdoing that you show your strongest side. — Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph. D.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears up the air of guilt and defensiveness but often helps solve the problem created by the error. — Dale Carnegie
If you take responsibility for a mistake on behalf of others who participated, it builds loyalty. — Bruce Rhoades
If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake.
— Confucius
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How To Admit Mistakes and Apologize Effectively
The first and most important step is to realize you have made a mistake. Do not blame others and do not try to get someone else to admit it on your behalf. Express your regret, explain what happened, accept responsibility, repent, offer to repair the damage, and ask for forgiveness.
By “explaining the mistake” I do not mean justifying excessively, but exposing the underlying cause, which you can identify by asking yourself “Why?” a few times in a row. So, ask yourself why that mistake occurred, and for each reason you find, ask why that reason happened in the first place.
As a perfectionist, mistakes terrify me. Also as a perfectionist, I often wait for the “right time” to tackle a task, which inevitably leads to procrastination. I would rather avoid doing a task I do not feel I have the skills to do instead of doing it imperfectly.
I have found procrastination to be the underlying cause for most of my professional mistakes, but maybe that is not your case. Maybe it is forgetfulness, or your organizational skills, or the way you communicate with others: Is your workspace cluttered? Did you understand what you were asked to do? Did you explain well to others what they had to do?
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The Worry Tree Helped Me
When I got hired as Marketing Manager at a software company, I was told that my tasks would also include event planning, which I had zero experience at. I was honest with them about my insecurities on the matter and they assured me of their full support when the time would come.
I had no idea how long it would take to get everything right with venues, invitations, customized giveaways, so I just assumed I would be notified by my superiors and given concrete tasks and deadlines. A week before the event we were still waiting for the customized giveaways because my order was “on such short notice”.
The day the items were supposed to finally arrive, I realized I had ordered too few branded lanyards relative to the number of confirmed participants. I freaked out. My boss was already breathing down my neck for not getting things done in time and this additional mess-up of the order simply pushed me on the brink of a meltdown.
That’s when a colleague stepped in and tried to calm me down. She introduced me to the worry tree and those 5–10 minutes spent with her on the topic made all the difference. If you are not familiar with the concept, it goes like this: “What do I worry about?” > “Can I do something about it?”
If yes, then make a plan and get it done, then you can let the worry go. If not, skip directly to letting the worry go and focus on something else. Worrying is not just useless, but harmful. There is nothing constructive about it if you don’t have a solution or if the outcome doesn’t depend on you.
As soon as I calmed down, I built the courage to admit my mistake to my boss, hoping we would find a way out together. Just before I got to do that, I received a call from the seller:
“Your items have arrived, but I messed up with the customized lanyards. I ordered too many, because I copied the quantity from another line, and we cannot sell them to anyone else since they have your logo on them. Is there any way you would accept to pay for the extra ones?”
Now that’s what I call a once-in-a-lifetime kind of magic. I took the opportunity, secured the right amount of lanyards, and kept my mouth shut. But any other time than that, confessing is the road to take. You don’t want to wait for rescue moments like that, because they are so incredibly rare.
What strikes me most from that day is my initial instinct of blaming my bosses for not guiding me through the process as they promised when I was hired. Circling back to the beginning of this text, this “blame game” translates as “mistakes were made, but not by me”. Don’t play it. It’s a natural instinct that takes some practice and willpower to turn around but it’s totally worth it.
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Turn Mistakes Into Learning Experiences
You probably heard about “learning from your mistakes” so many times before that it has become straight-up annoying. If because of that you haven’t given it much thought yet, as was my case, then please do yourself a favor now and analyze one of your previous mistakes in detail.
Reframe your mistakes as opportunities to learn and develop. Go over what went wrong and try to really understand the root cause. After you have that pinpointed, go on and identify the necessary resources, tools, or skills that would prevent you from repeating the mistakes.
In my previous experience, the root causes were procrastination and bad organizational skills, with a dash of doubtful communication skills. My takeaways were: deal with my procrastination tendency and improve my organizational skills with the help of digital planners, while communicating more openly with my colleagues when I have doubts about tasks and schedules.
Ask yourself these questions
- Can I do something to fix it, even if only partly?
- What was the real cause of my mistake?
- Was this a feasible goal for me?
- Was my mistake related to strategy, method, or execution?
- What should I have done differently?
- Did I make wrong assumptions?
- How can I prevent this from happening again?
Show yourself some self-compassion
- My mistakes do not define me.
- Nobody has ever succeeded without making mistakes.
- I am grateful for the lesson this mistake has taught me.
- Next time, I will be able to handle things better.
- Even if I cannot undo the mistake, I refuse to carry it into the future.
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I was a full-time failure hater until one day when I was finally able to get a glimpse of the value of failure and I embraced it.
This is an ongoing process and until it becomes a fully formed habit, I try to remind myself this as often as possible: Mistakes are part of being human. Mistakes just happen. Admitting mistakes is taking a big burden off your chest.
Are you a failure embracer or a failure hater? If you don’t know that yet, then let me rephrase. Do you get frustrated when you don’t get your way? Are you reluctant to change? Do you prefer to keep quiet about uncomfortable experiences?
You don’t need other people’s approval in order to feel good about yourself. Instead, learn to say you are sorry. And mean it.
Keep in mind that focusing on your self-image is arrogant, egocentric, and narcissistic. Nobody likes such people. I was married to one for a few years and I have zero regrets about divorcing him.
Admit your mistakes. I admit mine. Mostly.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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