I Married for Love — But Also for Money

I never wanted to get married, and neither did my partner. The institution of marriage just didn’t jive with our loose, artsy, nomadic lifestyles, plus we’ve both spent our entire adulthood giving the finger to social conventions of all stripes. Forging a stable career path? Who needs it. Monogamy? Fuck that. Marriage and kids? DON’T YOU TOUCH MY FREEDOM I’LL KILL YOU!

Needless to say, a lot of jaws dropped when we announced that we were getting married only a few months after we met.

Everyone assumed we’d let a whirlwind romance consume our better judgement, and we even went around saying obnoxious engaged-people things like, “When you know, you know.” The beatific smiles were just dripping off our faces.

Letting our friends and family see us as impulsive kids was easier than trumpeting the truth:

We got married because the U.S. Army would literally pay us if we did.

Flashback to summer 2019: I met Javananda, the free-spirited, guitar-strumming world traveler of my dreams. They’d been gallivanting through the ports of the world as a singer and guitarist on cruise ships for the past fifteen years. I was freshly back in New York City, my home since 2008, after spending a year and a half working as an actor and singer in Seoul, Korea.

We met two weeks before Javananda was scheduled to ship off to U.S. Army Basic Training. They’re a little clairvoyant, you see, and in 2019, even with their cruise ship career making them more cash than ever for less work than ever, they had this strange, undeniable inner knowing that getting into a more stable situation would be helpful in the years ahead. (Thank you, Universe, for making my partner psychic AF.) They left their band of best friends on the open seas and enlisted in the army as a guitarist. Yeah, you can play guitar for the military. Who knew?

And it was a whirlwind romance. I mean, I wouldn’t have married the cat if I didn’t believe we had what it took to make the whole life partnership thing work.

But neither one of us would’ve made this move if the army hadn’t provided such an enticing financial incentive.

You see, as a single enlisted soldier, Java would have earned their base salary (not a whole lot) and would have been given housing in the military barracks. Think dorm rooms at a monastery. Basic and crowded, and oh, the occupants are expected to keep the whole place clean. Delightful. Imagine your university dorm telling you to clean the bathrooms yourself. The soul shudders!

As a married enlisted soldier, on the other hand, Java would receive a tax-free housing allowance — money for rent or a mortgage, essentially — that was nearly equal to their salary, almost doubling their monthly take-home pay. On top of that, they wouldn’t have to live in the barracks. They could live off-base, with their spouse, in whatever housing they chose.

I’m no stranger to military life. I grew up mostly on an army post in Seoul, thanks to my dad’s Air Force career. I knew about the benefits. I knew about the discounts. I knew about the health care. Mmmmm…the health care…

Java asked me to marry them in a three-page letter written by hand from basic training, which was our only method of communication the entire ten weeks they were there. Cue the romantic music.

Two pages were about how much they loved me and believed in us and wanted to take things all the way, which was heart-expanding and wonderful, and I felt the same way! But that alone wouldn’t have convinced me to let go of my aversion to the dreaded mawwiage. I mean, I’ve been railing against the smugness of The Married my whole life! This would be totally off-brand for me! My little libertine heart must fly freeeeee!

One page of the letter was devoted to how the army would pretty much double Java’s salary if they were married, how I would then get free healthcare (droooooool), the ability to shop tax-free on military bases worldwide, access to military hotels and other amenities, the U.S. Army would literally pay us, and sexy discounts at all kinds of businesses.

Ding ding ding, and SOLD!

We’re not the only ones gaming the military system like this either. I can’t find any articles in the media about this, but the people Java went to basic training with were marrying their high school sweethearts and long-time SOs in droves, either just before or just after enlisting. The benefits make it worth it to marry a good friend, if they’re willing to put on a little show with you. It’s unreal how much that little piece of paper binding you for life can buy you.

And I get it — the idea is that a married soldier ostensibly has dependents to care for, and the military wants to make it easier for them to provide. That’s great!

But it seems pretty unfair when you consider the difference in quality of life between single and married enlisted soldiers:

• Single soldiers earn their base pay, which they pay taxes on, while married soldiers receive base pay plus a tax-free housing allowance that is often nearly as much as or equal to the base pay.
• Single soldiers in the army must live in the barren barracks on base, while married soldiers are allowed to rent apartments or houses off base, or even buy a home using the absolutely wonderful VA loan program — something that’s pretty unfeasible for someone making only the base pay with no housing allowance.
• Single soldiers living on base are assigned mandatory times to clean the barracks, while married soldiers are subjected to no such extra duties.
• Single soldiers are insulated in their lives on base, and are subjected to greater scrutiny of their activities and lifestyles. Married soldiers have more autonomy and privacy, as well as an enhanced ability to have a life outside of the military. This is wildly important for mental health, especially if one is a new-agey musician who isn’t accustomed to a rigid, conservative military lifestyle.

It really doesn’t seem fair that something so silly and perfunctory as signing a marriage certificate should suddenly entitle you to so many tremendous perks. And this isn’t just in the military. The perks of marriage exist in the civilian world, too — tax breaks, insurance discounts, complimentary glasses of champagne at every anniversary dinner, and, of course, having your relationship be socially sanctioned at every turn. My parents are just over the moon! (Now, if I would just stop with the whole polyamory thing…)

Is it really fair that we put these legally contracted intimate partnerships on such a ridiculous pedestal? Is it right that Java’s single coworkers, who do the same exact job as them, get almost half the pay that Java does and have to live in a depressing dormitory? Isn’t it just a little fucked up that my family — and society at large !— actually respects and celebrates our relationship now, when I am 100% sure they would not if we were just living together but not married? Ugh! This is exactly why I hate The Married!

And now I’m one of them. Smh.

Ah well. Might as well clean up if I’m gonna sell out.

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Previously Published on medium

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