I Now Understand Bryan Johnson

I don’t want to live forever, but…

My dog died late Friday afternoon.

It didn’t occur to me that morning, in the wee hours, that our friendship would end so suddenly.

It was in those moments of feeling utterly helpless while I held him as he took his last breaths. And those sentiments cascaded as I made my way home from the vet, alone.

I have tasted death before. Its aroma isn’t a new fragrance to me, but this was different. It was more direct, in your face, eye to eye, if you will.

And it was in this pain, this moment that stung more because of the just random and twisted way fate seems to maneuver itself, that it made me think about love, of course. But also, the fear of losing love because of death’s marathon-level endurance.

And I couldn’t help but think about Bryan Johnson’s quest for immortality, and how I have a newfound perspective on it thanks to this experience.

My Previous Skepticism

I suppose my gripes with the concepts of immortality were less about Johnson. The man doesn’t appear to me to be a supervillain.

My previous perceptions rested on the selfishness of humanity.

Where will the precedent lead us, if his quest is successful or groundbreakingly positive?

The commodification of the fountain of youth may leave the people whose tax brackets don’t measure up out.

Or maybe just the fact that competitions between the richest, most ambitious in an attempt to see who can live the longest. We could see the concept of life itself be desecrated and turned into a Guinness World Record.

As opposed to the very concept of living long to achieve or see something, I always felt deep within, living long would become a trend, versus an attempt to reach a milestone or share one with someone.

Ever since I first read the articles, saw the interview, saw his daily routine, and encountered Johnson through the internet, I became turned off, only seeing the flaws in a growing ideology in the culture that seeks not to enrich life but to prolong it as a status symbol.

But I had a revelation.

The Gamble of Love

Love is a gamble.

Not just for the one in search of it, sifting endlessly for the right partner, the right lover, and the right spouse, that relationship or friendship.

It is also not a bed of roses when you find that person, or in my case, pet. You must contend with the fact that, in this crazy world we live in, you may very well outlive love.

Who is to say that when it is all said and done, when you leave the hospital, the funeral, or the ceremony dedicating the life of whomever you find yourself in friendship or a relationship, you will be better by the end?

I know many who have found themselves stuck in the valley after their loved one is gone and are never able to leave it.

The idea of discovering the secret to immortality is such an exciting pursuit when we consider that it could help us avoid those moments in the waiting room. The love we’ve built and strengthened doesn’t have to end with the mundane, and yet so real circumstances.

I found myself cradling this behemoth of a dog in the eyes of passersby, but to me looked like the pup I stumbled on those years ago, begging the heavens to just give me more time. I wanted the Father to steady his breathing, but somehow slow the process to give me just a little longer.

I got it in those seconds. Those moments, another reason so many want to be immortal, to stave off death’s touch and keep the flow of love going.

Because when Death wins, when it’s all over, we know not what we will become. We know not what our purpose might be. And that is a scary place to be in, one that can drive any person insane with fear.

I Still Don’t Want To Live Forever

If something lasts forever, can we consider it beautiful?

If the orchid never wilts and loses its petals, do we consider it to be as rare a flower?

If we don’t live with a real fear that the thing we have built between a person, people, or an animal won’t end so suddenly, can we maintain focus and not take it for granted?

My assumption is no.

It’s almost written in our DNA to forget and step out of our habits just for a while. Not necessarily in every instance, because love is fading, but because we are human and our gaze wanders. And that wandering gaze gives us a false sense of security every time it returns to that person, people, or pet. We think they’ll be there forever.

And then they’re not.

And now you’re reminded of their absence at every turn, every action, every place you may have frequented together.

That is a painful experience, one that I find myself, now, in this instance writing this piece and speaking my piece, beginning to feel teardrops growing in the corner of my eyes.

And despite that, I still don’t want to be immortal, or allow immortality to be discovered.

And somehow, someway, I can understand why some are attracted to it. I can juggle these concepts better despite how opposed they are.

If one wants to discover immortality to commodify it, I cannot stand with you in agreement.

If one wants to discover immortality to turn it into a status symbol, lording over the rest of us, I cannot stand in agreement with you.

But, if one wants to discover immortality because they don’t know who will shovel the snow for their wife if they should pass, I understand you.

If one wants to discover immortality because they’re a grandparent who wants to live to see the birth of their great-grandchildren, but their health doesn’t seem to desire that dream, I understand you.

If a wife knows deep down, behind the stoicism, that her husband will be destroyed if she is gone and wants to eradicate the possibility of death from old age, I understand.

I have a newfound perspective on the immortality debate. All it took was the passing of a 100+ lb., 9-year-old Rottweiler to alter my perception.