I Saw My Recent Ex on Bumble

This is not some ex I had a fling with. This was someone I thought about every day for over 5 years, even though we weren’t together anymore. My heart would jump at the thought of seeing him, hearing or reading his name somewhere or meeting someone who knew him.

He consumed my life for years after we broke up. Well, he just vanished off the face of the earth without a word, so it wasn’t exactly a break up — Why do men do that? The funny thing is, this wasn’t some teenage love. We were both in our twenties and had this weird instant connection that is impossible to explain or fully understand. But as much as we were insanely attracted to each other, there was always something that never quite felt right for us.

We somehow got back in touch almost a year after he disappeared and kept in contact on and off for years to come. After almost 8 years, we actually ended up getting back together for something like 2 months this time. We were both very stubborn and just stopped talking for a couple of days and I’m sure he would’ve just disappeared for good without properly breaking up this time around too. I wasn’t going to leave it for another year to know for sure we had broken up so I made sure he confirmed this was it for us.

I was devastated but at the same time relieved, a very strange feeling. Despite of all the things that happened, we both saw each other as the one we would eventually end up and settle down with. Although at this point I knew this wasn’t ever going to be a reality and was for the best, it was still painful as hell to know we had come to the end. At least I know for sure that we are broken up this time, I thought to myself but couldn’t shake the feeling of having wasted years of my life now that I was about to turn 30.

Anyhow, I decided to work on myself and start fresh. My housemates decided the best way to do this was to join Hinge, especially since we were now in a pandemic and impossible to meet someone new in person. One evening, whilst scrolling through the app I came across the person I was trying to get over. I instantly started to sweat and made the decision to just delete the app and never go on it again. But a friend made me change my mind and said I should not continue to stop living my life and waste many more precious years, especially now that I know for sure nothing will ever happen between us. I agreed eventually and what a great decision it was!

I wasn’t sure how I felt about seeing him on a dating up only a couple of months after we broke up. I hate to admit it but I secretly hoped we didn’t workout because he was interested in somebody else and I became okay with that. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was interested in someone else, ever. I respect myself way too much for that. Knowing the fact that he wasn’t with someone and things still ended the way they did (when I was on the other side of the country, miles away from him), regardless of how we always felt about each other made me feel in agony.

I didn’t think I would ever get over it but a few months went by and I wasn’t even thinking about him unless talking about exes or someone asked if we were still friendly or in touch. I recently decided to re-activate my Bumble account and this morning (over a year after the break up), whilst having breakfast I decided to scroll through it and came across HIM. I heard the voice in my head say ‘oh’ and that was it! Heart didn’t start racing, I wasn’t sad or nervous. Nothing. No feelings at all as if he was just a random guy I had never met before.

Of course I swiped left, we don’t want to re-visit that chapter again (hehe). But I felt this unexplainable sense of relief and happiness inside. I’m still not sure if it was because now I know he is still single, just like myself (I know that sounds evil, right) or because I finally realised he no longer had a hold on me. I also realise in that moment that I don’t resent or hate him for anything that happened but I would never go back to him like I did before. The chapter is closed and I’m very happy and content with it.

I feel even better having written about it now and I encourage you to do the same. If you are still in the deep end and feel pained by a break up, allow yourself to stay in it and feel all the feels for a while so that when you move on, you can move on for good. Don’t forget to also work on yourself in the process because YOU WILL come out of it, and you want to come out of it as an even better version of yourself. Focus on yourself, your happiness and heal.

You will get through it, I promise!

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Previously Published on medium

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