I Stayed Where Nothing Was Certain

I’m aware that my mood tends to revolve around him, even though he never really seems to care for me, or maybe he does, but his actions are so inconsistent that I can’t even tell what’s real anymore.

It’s like I’m constantly reading between lines that aren’t even written clearly in the first place.

Even with that awareness, I still can’t seem to change the fact that I depend on him emotionally.

I still end up letting him affect how I feel, like I don’t have full control over it no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise.

I’ve tried to detach, to rationalize it, to tell myself I shouldn’t be this affected, but it doesn’t just switch off like that. I know it’s not entirely on him either, because I never really told him the full depth of what I still feel. That my feelings didn’t fade the way they were supposed to; if anything, they somehow got heavier with time. And maybe that silence from my side is part of why everything between us feels so unresolved.

What makes it more confusing is the mixed signals. There are moments in his actions that make it seem like he does care, or at least feels something close to it — but he never really says anything outright. It could be that he doesn’t know how to express it, or maybe he’s intentionally avoiding it.

Or maybe it’s simpler than I want to admit: maybe it’s just not me in the way I hope it is. I keep circling those possibilities in my head, and none of them really give peace.

At this point, I feel like what I’m really searching for is closure. Not even something comforting, just something definite. Something that ends the guessing game in my head. I want to stop overthinking every interaction, and every silence. I just need to hear it directly from him, whatever it is.

Still, I’m not even sure if I’m ready for that kind of truth, especially if it’s the one I’ve been quietly avoiding all along.

And there’s also the possibility that he himself doesn’t even fully know what he feels, because sometimes uncertainty is its own answer.

Maybe what I’m really looking for is a clear rejection, something clean and understandable. But the irony is, his silence, his emotional distance, his nonchalance, it might already be the answer I keep refusing to accept.

And even if I do ask him directly, I’m not sure I’ll actually get clarity. If he’s avoidant, he might not give a straight answer. Or worse, he might deflect, or disappear from the conversation entirely, leaving me with even more gaps to fill in.

And I’ve realized,

clarity only really comes from someone who is self-aware enough to give it

If he isn’t, then asking might just stretch the confusion further instead of ending it.

So for now, I’m stuck in this in-between space. Still waiting, still hoping he becomes certain about whatever he feels, still holding on to the possibility that he might eventually stop avoiding it. Even if I don’t know whether that version of him , or that moment of clarity will ever actually come.

And until then, I’m left here with unanswered questions that don’t seem to run out.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.