About 13 years ago or so, I was hired as a pickup artist coach for a site that specialized in men getting dates. Shocker, right? I mean, it shouldn’t be. I kind of talk about relationships and sex a lot, and a lot of guys don’t seem to realize what it takes to get a girlfriend.
The moment I tell people that I was in the PUA (Pick Up Artist) scene, people tend to give me a side eye. This is because they tend to assume that it came with a furry hat, guyliner, and shitty club clothes a la Neil Strass and Mystery from The Game.
This is a part of my life that is very deeply misunderstood, and it’s also a part that I never thought I’d have to talk about. Oh, how things have changed, right?
However, in the wake of sex trafficker Andrew Tate’s sudden fandom among angry, lonely men, I feel like I have to say my piece. Andrew Tate is a horrible man and it’s sickening seeing so many men and boys idolize him because he has money and traffics women.
This is a triple sore spot for me because I survived trafficking, I’m Romanian (and he’s there trafficking women out in broad daylight), and because people conflate all male dating advice with stuff like him. I didn’t want to say anything, but I have to.
So, here it goes.
First off, most people don’t realize there’s a stark divide in the male pickup artist community.
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When people think of PUA, they tend to think of people like Neil Strauss, author of The Game. They also tend to think of the Red Pill dudes who are all about hitting the gym, psychologically abusing women, and being complete dicks.
This is about 50 to 60 percent true. Maybe it’s closer to 70 percent true right now. I’ve been out of the loop for a while. However, there is another side to pickup that most people never discuss — the healthy groups that are just there to offer genuine advice.
The reason you don’t hear about them is simple: they don’t cause problems.
In the pickup forums I worked for, I’d advise guys to do some of these “tricks” to help them in the single world:
- Start a conversation by asking a girl for advice on a drink. I also suggested they memorize certain jokes or lines that help open up a conversation. I’d also give them an excuse to chat while “waiting for a friend.”
- Learn to dress in your own style and dress to flatter yourself. I know, it’s groundbreaking material. It works, though!
- She’s human. In other words, don’t overthink things. Talk to her like you would your friend or your cousin. If you salivate over women like a cut of meat, she’ll notice and run.
- If she doesn’t treat you right, she’s not the one. A woman who doesn’t look like she wants to be there is a woman you shouldn’t bother trying to talk to.
- Remember that it’s about having fun. If you’re not having fun talking to the woman you’re chatting up, you’re doing it wrong. You should feel like you had fun even if you don’t sleep with her. You’ll get more out of connections than you will out of plain sex.
- Leave them better than you found them. This was the go-to mantra in our PUA. You should never make women feel worse about themselves after they sleep with you. If you leave them feeling hurt, used, or cheated, they will not only never entertain you again, but they’ll tell their friends.
Are these things bad? Not at all. You know why? Because you can be an ethical pickup artist — and in most cases, it’s actually the easiest way to make sure you have genuine fun and success with women.
The PUA community is one crafted of desperation and fear.
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Most of my clients were not bad men. They weren’t hateful or abusive. They were just awkward dudes who didn’t quite learn how to talk to women. Most of these men would be amazing partners to the right woman, but they just were terrified of actually reaching out to girls.
I don’t think most people realize how many men are absolutely petrified of being a romantic failure. This is why so many guys lash out at people who reject them and why so many men are triggered when they find themselves alone, surrounded by couples.
I also don’t think most people realize how badly men think they want to be the dapper guy in a suit, jetsetting around the globe with a bunch of girls. Truth be told, this isn’t what they want. They generally just want to feel like they matter and that they are worthy of praise.
Being the dude in the jet having one-night stands sounds fun, but it gets old, fast. There’s a reason why rock stars and rappers tend to kill themselves, you know. It’s because they never actually get that closeness that they truly want — even if they think they don’t want it.
Pickup’s scene is filled with men who are afraid they’ll be alone. They are desperate for validation because they never were taught to get it from themselves. They feel like losers because they were fed a bunch of cultural garbage saying they only are worth a damn if they’re fucking.
Some of the PUA guys who say misogynistic things are just running their mouths out of frustration. Others genuinely mean it because they feel so battered by rejection that they can no longer see women as people. Neither is okay, but both give you a frame of mind of what we’re dealing with.
Andrew Tate preys upon these men just as much as he preys upon women. The difference is that the women he hurts are fearful of their life, while the men he hurts don’t realize they’re being told to speedrun into their own living nightmare.
The reason why Andrew Tate became so popular is because of shitty blackhat marketing.
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In marketing, there are two forms of marketing: white hat and black hat. White hat is ethical marketing that tends to do things “by the books.” Black hat marketing does stuff that is deemed cheating, unfair, or potentially damaging.
Andrew Tate and misogynists like him gained popularity through black hat marketing. In this case, he says controversial things that should be banned as hate speech to gain popularity. Controversy sells and it gets attention.
I didn’t want to discuss this dipwad because it gives him more eyes, but at this point, if I don’t speak, I’ll hate myself. A lot of these pickup artist coaches that employ black hat marketing techniques don’t actually believe what they sell.
I know at least one woman-hating PUA coach, who, when his girlfriend left him, was crying nightly because he didn’t know what to do. Why? Because the same dude who was telling others to not get married just bought her a ring before she dipped. She found out his online hustle and dumped him.
So, uh, yeah. While Tate practices what he preached, most others like him don’t. And if you look at what they’re doing, it’s clear they don’t care if what they say warps your view of the world. They’ve already laughed their way to the bank.
Dating should be fun, and if it’s not, you’re listening to the wrong people or you shouldn’t be dating.
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I really wish someone had told me this when I was single. Dating is not a mandatory activity and it should never be a chore. It should be something you look forward to at the end of a hard week.
One of the reasons why women started to drop out of the dating scene is because it became a chore for them. Dating is no longer fun when you have to worry about personal safety, pro-life policies, and not being believed when you’re hurt by someone.
Many women I know drop out of dating when they realize they no longer can view men as potential friends. That’s a sign that you need to take a break, because you’ve been traumatized.
A lot of guys did not get the memo.
If it’s gotten to the point that all you feel is rage, hurt, and frustration about dating, you need to take a step back. Trying to run up that hill when you’re in that mindset is only going to make things worse for you and potentially destroy your reputation with people.
People like Andrew Tate put gasoline on the dumpster fire that is the male dating advice game and encourage abuse. It’s not healthy to feel so much resentment towards someone you want to date. It’s even worse when you realize this guy is a literal trafficker.
What I’m saying is that people like Andrew Tate are not the ones to get advice from, nor are they who you want to admire.
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People very rarely use the term “evil” to describe a real person, but Tate is legitimately evil. He’s a monster who’s made money off abusing women and selling fake dreams to men who genuinely need help. This is not a man to admire or listen to.
Before you think about listening to him again, ask yourself how you would feel if your daughter dated a guy like him. Would you feel okay with that? What if it was your mom? Your sister? Would you smile when you see her flinch when he moves near here, or feel cozy despite not seeing her for months?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
It takes a lot more strength to love someone freely and walk away from a bad situation than it does to hate, oppress, and control someone. Tate is not a strong man. We need strong men, not monsters who masquerade as them.
Want to show you’re better than him? Great. Deplatform him. Tell your guy friends that you think they’re shitty for even entertaining his ideas. Recognize that your value isn’t based on how many vaginas you’ve been in. Boom. That’s strength.
photo of the author
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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