Sadly, I am in a unique position to talk about this because I’ve been the victim of a cheating partner — twice! When someone becomes your partner, you and that person become one. The pain you feel after being cheated on is something hard to put into words, but I’ll try.
You feel like your partner gave away part of you to someone else without your permission. It’s cruel.
Even if your partner never does it again, these are the reasons why I think after someone cheats, a relationship can’t go back to normal. And most of them are mental — they go on in your head.
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You Feel Like If It Happened Once, It Can Happen Again
Your partner, who apparently still loves you even after cheating, promises you it will never happen again. Your heart wants to believe them, but your head doesn’t.
Think about it… If they did love you as much as they say they do, then that means they never wanted to cheat. And yet they did it anyway. What’s to stop them from doing it again and feeling sorry about it?
The first time my partner cheated on me, I was there. I heard it. It started when I took her to a party at a friend’s place and got extremely drunk (I don’t advise it, by the way). She took me to a room, probably thinking I was unconscious. Shortly after, she came into the room with a guy.
They laid right next to me and got super intimate. RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Writing it now, I feel so embarrassed… She thought I was passed out cold from the alcohol but I wasn’t. I heard everything!
I didn’t have the strength to do anything about it… I just laid there… Wasted and crying. Pathetic, I know. I don’t know why she did it. It felt sinister!
The next day, I told her I knew what she did. If she was pretending to regret it, she could be the best actress in the world. My heart wanted to believe her with every fiber of its being and that she wouldn’t do it again. But my head didn’t.
We were in the second year of college — we were young. I loved her so much and because of that love, I took her back in. I forgave her. Little did I know it was my heart that forgave her, but my head didn’t forget. Which brings me to the second reason.
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The Trust You Once Had On Your Partner Is Never Going To Be The Same
For the next couple of months, things were fine between us. It was almost like it was, before she cheated. Almost. Because the moment what I’m about to tell you happened, it showed me that any sign of normalcy was just a fantasy.
It started when she texted me to come over to her dorm room — she specifically told me she wanted to share some alone time with me. I, of course, came over. We decided to watch a movie. Forty minutes into the two-hour movie, she invited her male friend to come over as well over the phone.
I thought nothing of it even though I felt it was weird she invited him when she specifically said she wanted to be alone with me.
The guy came over, we all finished the movie together. By then, it was already 11:30 at night. I had to leave because I had a test I needed to prepare for the next day. But I didn’t want to because the guy also refused to leave as well. I couldn’t trust she wouldn’t cheat on me again with him once I leave. The thought of it was damning!
I left anyway. I left her dorm room with him in it. It was demoralizing. I remember walking back imagining all sorts of things they would be doing together.
I was so insecure; I went to her room again early the next day just to check. She opened the door, and there he was. She didn’t look like someone that just got caught red-handed. She looked calm — eerily calm. Then I told her I came to check up on her before I went for my test. She wished me good luck.
I didn’t do so well on that test because I spent the entire time thinking about the incident. Thinking about any way to convince myself that she didn’t cheat again. But he slept over — and she only had one rather small bed. I failed to convince myself. I couldn’t trust her.
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After the test, I broke up with her. Not because I was sure she cheated a second time, but because I couldn’t trust that she didn’t. The damage of her cheating that first time ruined our relationship. It never recovered.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Ethan Sykes on Unsplash
