I Wish I Had Told One Man I Liked Him

I heard someone question their relationship recently. They were only a few months into seeing someone. But they felt something was missing. They thought it was time to hear ‘I love you.’

It’s a powerful trio.

The three words we use as the valuation of romantic love.

But I wish I had told one man I liked him.

It would have meant more than ‘I love you.’

I know it sounds confusing. Please, bear with me while I explain the difference between ‘I love you’ and ‘I like you.’ Ideally, both should exist at once.

But that doesn’t necessarily happen.

The opposite can also be true.

I love you but I don’t like you.

I liked one man. The time we spent together lacked expectations. There were no fancy dinners, or elaborate adventures. There was no bar to meet. We simply spent time together.

I liked him.

I liked who he was at his core. I liked the way he treated people with kindness and respect. I liked the depth of his empathy. I liked the breadth of his motivation and purpose. I liked the way he treated me.

The difference between love, and like may not appear obvious.

But there is a stark contrast.

I loved my husband.

I didn’t like who he was.

He didn’t think of others. He didn’t live outside of his own world. He didn’t have the capacity for compassion. He was absent of the things I find most valuable. I didn’t favor the things he placed importance on.

I didn’t admire the way he lived his life.

These are things I learned with age.

Youth made me blind to them.

Our younger days were filled with social activities, and the superfluous reserved for budding adults. It was a whirlwind. It was fun, carefree, and seemingly everything I wanted in life.

It would take years for me to realize I loved a man but didn’t like him.

It would take time to realize he didn’t treat me with care.

I’m no exception.

People love people they don’t like. It happens. A person may be in love with a man, or a woman but not care for aspects of their personality.

It’s one of the phenomenon of the heart.

I love you but I don’t necessarily like you.

It may seem controversial but it’s accurate.

I am not speaking of small grievances. I’m not talking about a spouse who’s habitually late, or has annoying trait. I’m talking about core differences.

The fundamental things we don’t recognize until we begin to age.

A person you love but who doesn’t align with your core.

You begin to realize you’re not in sync. They aren’t moving through the world with the same things you find meaningful. They don’t have the traits you find attractive.

Or they don’t treat you with the value you deserve.

They may be rude, demanding, or selfish.

They may be spoiled, dishonest, or manipulative.

These are the deal breakers.

This is when you can find yourself in love with a person you don’t necessarily like. But your heart can’t disconnect. At least, not easily.

It’s already made the commitment.

The heart was years in…before it realized the difference between love, and like. Oddly, relationships like this exist everyday. They move forward. Two people joined as one but with fundamental differences.

I understand the need to hear ‘I love you.’

But as someone who can now distinguish love, and like.

I would rather someone tell me…

I like you.

And I wish I had told one man how much I liked him.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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