Idealism Only Takes You So Far

I have come to realize almost everything in life has a honeymoon phase.

This goes for relationships, where your relationship is carefree, joyful, and free of conflict. For me, my girlfriend and I were in the honeymoon phase for eight months until we were forced to spend a lot more time together during the pandemic. That’s when we started having arguments and disagreements more often, and we are working on our communication during these conflicts.

But the honeymoon phase is not exclusive to relationships. As a special teacher, I also went through a honeymoon phase, where my students loved me, everything was going well, and I didn’t realize what people were talking about when they told me their horror stories in teaching. I even won a Teacher of the Month award during my first month of teaching.

However, November came, the honeymoon phase ended, and I started to have horror stories of being a teacher who couldn’t manage a classroom. Every day started to feel more and more like walking into a war zone, one I was losing badly.

I knew so many people who quit teaching when they realized it was a lot harder than they expected. I was suffering too, but I never quit and still haven’t quit for a very pragmatic reason, not a romantic reason: I would be broke. I need a stable and secure job.

As a writer, I sometimes really enjoy the act of writing. And at times, I romanticize it. I have thought the best part of blogging platforms is that you can write, and the best thing you can do is write. For a period of time in the summer of 2020, I wrote about 5,000 words a day and loved every moment of it.

We were in the middle of a pandemic and locked down. I wasn’t socializing much. Writing was most of my fun during the day. I didn’t care whether people were reading my work or not, and I didn’t care what people thought of my work. The only thing I cared about was writing, and I preached the best thing you could do as a writer is actually writing.

However, a year later, I have a lot more going on. I feel more emotionally drained by my responsibilities and the way this pandemic has continued to drag on. Writing feels more like a chore at times. Sometimes, I do write just for money and because I feel pressure to maintain output.

I write a significant amount of boring, APA-formatted education-related papers for my M.S. Ed degree, most of which I don’t enjoy writing and only complete at the last minute. I don’t write as much as I used to, partially because I don’t have as much time, and partially because my interests have diversified and I don’t just spend all day writing.

I realize I also had a honeymoon phase with writing. And now, that honeymoon phase is over. Again, it’s not like writing is no longer fun or I derive no emotional validation from doing it (otherwise I wouldn’t do it). However, it isn’t an unambiguously romantic venture that gives me a thrill and emotional rush all the time. And it feels great to finally put that out there and admit it.

Idealism is a finite resource

With the examples of relationships, teaching, and writing, what I learned is not only that almost everything has a honeymoon phase, but idealism is a finite resource. The imperfections of real-life catch up to us. We start to realize we’re fallible as human beings — I would love to be able to do every task my now fianceé wants me to do during the day, and I certainly try, but I often fail to keep the house clean, do the laundry, do all the dishes in the sink, take out the trash, go grocery shopping, and pay the bills all in one day.

As a teacher, I would love to be able to do it all and miraculously raise my students who read on a Kindergarten level to a 10th-grade level overnight. I would love to be a role model and figure who can reform their views of education after terrible experiences and trauma, but guess what? I’m human, and I can’t. There will be a lot of outcomes I can’t control for.

Idealism only gets you so far. I hate to say it, but it does. Not every piece of writing feels like silk or an expression of emotional relief. Some of it is painstaking and doesn’t make any damn sense — I have to constantly go back and revise my writing. My relationship with writing has grown less romantic and a bit more business-like. I still love it, but I don’t revolve as much of my life around it as I used to.

I realize that even my deepest relationship, my relationship with God, went through a honeymoon phase for the first two years I was a Christian. Now, my faith has matured a bit in the sense that I have to reconcile my religious beliefs with real life, and I have to be a bit more careful about who I’m open to about my beliefs (especially as a public employee).

Not everyone likes Christianity and the Church, and some people have some pretty good reason not to like the Church. Even personally, however, it’s a pretty tough time to reconcile my faith with the turmoil in the world around me right now, and that’s something I pray about every day.

Cynicism is the natural product of losing your idealism. I have gone from the mindset that “everything is good and I’m going to play a part in changing the world” to a much more pessimistic mindset. But I say this because like idealism, mindset also has its limitations. I, like many human beings, cling to whatever makes me feel invincible at times. Like other human beings, I have a propensity towards idolatry, which I recognize and try to fight against.

But what I never realize is idealism is often sold to us as a society as a product. Alternative teaching programs like Teach for America love to sell you an idea of teaching that’s much more romantic and positive than it really is — and I can’t blame them either or fewer people would actually join the program!

To some degree, idealism has to be marketed to idealist-oriented people, and that population is especially green-eyed college graduates eager to change the world. A movie like Freedom Writers romanticizes teaching and self-sacrifice for the job —to the point where everything has to be about the job. Your marriage can dissolve. Your health and personal life can suffer, but as long as you’re giving everything to be a good teacher for underprivileged kids, it’s okay, right?

Hollywood excels at selling idealism, not only for careers like teaching but for relationships as well. My relationship looks nothing like The Notebook or any romantic movie, but it still works and we have our moments.

What I realize is the evaporation of idealism isn’t without benefit.

The benefits of idealism running out

Once you’re not running on sheer idealism anymore, the biggest benefit is you start to prioritize yourself. You start to realize what you’re so idealistic about — your work, hobby, or relationship — is not going to fix you. You may have sought it out like a band-aid or may have expected more out of your idol of idealism than it could give.

At work, I’ve started to divorce my identity and my job as a teacher. I have a much better work-life balance and get as much done during the day so I don’t bring work home. I love my students and serve them every day. That’s why they need me at my absolute best and healthiest. You can be good at your job without making it the center of your life.

The same goes for writing, which is my side hustle. I don’t write as much as I used to, but I have been able to slow down with my writing and press forward sustainably without burning out. I have been much more receptive to feedback because I realize there’s a lot to grow on, and that I’m not always as good as I think I am. I’ve been writing for the past six years and haven’t stopped doing it consistently — I realize the breaks, periods of rest, and letting myself live my life are as important as the writing itself in keeping me sane.

For my relationship, my fianceé and I are diligent about going through counseling, improving our communication, and learning to be open with what we actually expect of each other and want more of from each other. The honeymoon phase ending was actually a good thing — it’s not sustainable to think you’ll never have any conflict or never butt heads with someone you spend so much time with, especially if you’re spending the rest of your life with them.

Mostly, what’s important is how you build a sustainable mindset, lifestyle, and value system. I have realized how much support I need just to get by, not only from my fianceé but from friends and some members of my family. I also realize when it’s time to stop and maintain boundaries. I am much more in tune with my limitations, of what is possible to accomplish during the day and what’s not possible to accomplish. If I don’t sleep, eat, and exercise, then I’m no use to anyone.

And that’s not saying I don’t push myself or get out of my comfort zone, but that I save enough of myself to be able to come back and try again tomorrow, to make more progress tomorrow, and be here tomorrow.

Idealism took me past the honeymoon phases of various parts of my life. Now, life’s harsh reality has shown me you need much more than idealism to survive.

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This post was previously published on Inspired Writer.

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