If I Were to Dumb Down Dating

The new year is making me assess my dating goals. I say that with a little bit of frustration. I’ve spent more than a decade in the counseling, and research of love and relationships.

But my background is in business and marketing.

It’s hard to quiet the marketer within me.

I tend to think comprehensively.

I need to connect the dots to assess the problem. I often say that means I need to dumb it down. I have to go back to the origin of the dilemma. It’s generally simpler than it looks.

The problem?

Business is not unlike parenting.

There are simple tenants but we get weighed down by the day-to-day. We get into the weeds of operations and life. It can make us lose sight of the simplicity of our agenda and goals.

My two worlds are not that dissimilar.

Marketing is not so different from my work as a journalist, and relationship columnist. Marketing is based on interconnectivity. It’s about moving the consumer to the emotion it takes to drive action.

It’s storytelling and relationships.

My dating frustration has led me to dumb down dating.

I’m taking the complexity out of it. I’m getting to the simplicity of the problem. Because it’s not that complicated. If I were to dumb it down I would say one thing.

I want a man with a good heart.

Does that clarify it enough?

Yes.

It shouldn’t be that hard to find.

But I’m not 18 anymore. Divorce doesn’t allow the same type of dating opportunities. We may account for nearly 50% of the population but we’re all over the place.

There aren’t many of us in one spot.

It’s challenging.

Yet to meet someone you have to know what you’re looking for.

Some people have dating requirements. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve written about what I’m looking for in a man. But I don’t necessarily need someone to check a bunch of boxes.

I need him to check one big comprehensive box.

Good-hearted.

That’s my dating goal dumbed down.

If a man’s heart is good then it will be nearly impossible to find fault in the rest of him. His direction will be guided by the right things in life. That’s all I’m looking for.

A man with good intentions.

A man filled with love.

A couple of my guy friends and I were talking. It’s confusing to them that some of us can’t meet the kind of men we are looking for. It’s equally confusing to us that they find it challenging to meet the right woman.

Maybe it’s because we aren’t dumbing it down.

Maybe we’re making it too complicated.

Maybe it’s making us miss some opportunities. We get clouded by these subliminal requirements we’ve put in our minds. We’re looking for what we consider ‘our type,’ or attempting to avoid what we won’t tolerate anymore.

Some people are looking for what you might call structural requirements. They want a man who’s going to provide security, or a woman who’s going to care for them. They want a certain income level, or age. They want companionship because they’re lonely.

Those things don’t matter to me.

Although I’m not going to judge someone who’s looking for companionship, or security. I realize we aren’t meant to live this life alone. The human condition craves physical and emotional intimacy.

I realize I’m a bit of an anomaly having been raised by a single mother.

I’m not the norm in terms of wanting security.

Or the need to have a man just have a man.

Lately, I’ve felt a little lonely because of challenges these past few months. But in general, I don’t. I felt lonelier married to a man than I do being single.

My dating requirements aren’t complicated.

They’re simple.

I just want man with a good-heart.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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