If Someone Hurt You or Betrayed Your Trust, Watch This [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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so you have to decide whether this guy
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is worth trusting 100
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she then proceeded to ask for a
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screenshot of the text conversation that
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he was having with whoever he was having
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it with i’m not just going to tell you
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it won’t happen again let me tell you
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why
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this will never happen again
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yeah so i was just curious me and my
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boyfriend have been together for three
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years and recently we’ve just been
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having lots of problems arguing a lot
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and i was just wondering when you saw it
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or how do you know when it’s exactly the
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right time to break up what’s the way to
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do it and how to best get over it
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yeah it’s
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look i feel like sometimes
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a new problem arises in a relationship
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and
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we start thinking hmm is this the right
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the right relationship and that’s when
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we start asking questions for the first
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time about whether we should really be
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with this person um right something we
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should be cautious of is when we keep
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going over the same logic again and
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again and again in other words the
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questions you’re asking yourself are not
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new questions but they’re recurring
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themes that come from somewhere much
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deeper
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if you’re with somebody and you find
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yourself asking the same question again
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and again about whether you’re right for
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each other um you know it typically
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isn’t a good sign you know
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you hear this from people all the time
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right
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if it’s the right person you’ll know
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um you’ll you’ll feel something
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different you’ll feel a different sense
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of certainty
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um now i i
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i think that that’s a
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somewhat of an oversimplification but i
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think at the same time
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there is a
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that cold hard reality that if i’m
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constantly questioning this thing if i’m
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constantly asking myself is this the
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right person
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then it probably means there’s a level
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of difficulty about this relationship
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that
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means it’s not right that means this
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isn’t the person that i am supposed to
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be with or the person that is worth
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committing to at this stage um so what
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for you and your relationship right now
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what’s the thing that’s holding that
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that’s making you feel like this might
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not be right
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uh we’ve just been fighting about like
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everything everything that he does or i
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do we just seem to like go at it i don’t
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know what the like the deeper issue is i
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just
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like little things now are just building
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up like i saw you like a girl’s facebook
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picture why’d you do that like stupid
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really stupid things and we’ve kind of
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just decided that this will be the last
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shot we both kind of agreed like we’ll
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give it the last chance and see what
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happens but
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that’s just
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you know i don’t know
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do you feel like the
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the issues that are coming up between
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you are things that are going to go away
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or do you think these are recurring
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issues are there deeper trust issues
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right now there’s probably deeper trust
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issues yeah
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and is that based on something he’s done
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or just something you’re afraid he’ll do
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um kind of what i’m afraid of
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i guess
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okay so there’s no evidence for your
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distrust
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uh not really i don’t think so
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that’s what i don’t know i guess i don’t
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trust him in general so like
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when i see that i just assume things
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that maybe i should assume regardless if
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he says that it’s not happening or if
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it’s happening but you but why don’t you
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trust him
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because because is it is it really true
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that there’s never been any evidence
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that has made you distrust him
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no i definitely i think he’s talked to
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girls before and then
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i don’t think it went anywhere or was
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like necessarily leading to cheating but
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just the fact that i knew that or saw
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that hurt me you saw it in person or
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through messages
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um through messages okay so you saw
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messages what on his phone that he was
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talking to other women
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yes
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okay and in a way that you found to be
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inappropriate for your relationship yeah
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it wasn’t necessarily anything horrible
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but i just didn’t think it was right and
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did he lie to you about it
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no he told me
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when when i found out he told me i mean
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i had asked a couple times and
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she kind of just didn’t say anything but
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then when i found out obviously he told
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me the truth and everything
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so you asked him if he was talking to
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certain people he said no and then you
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checked his phone and and you found out
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he was right
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correct okay
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so
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there’s there is evidence for the
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distrust right
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yeah
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that stems from it yeah right
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what you have to decide is
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the type of relationship that you
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fundamentally want to be in
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what
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level of honesty do i want from the
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person that i’m with
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and what level of trust
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do i want to give somebody that i’m with
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sure and both of those things are
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relevant because one of them is not
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controllable by you you can’t control
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whether this person lies to you or not
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you can only control whether you stay
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with somebody
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when they’re lying to you what you can
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control is the level of trust that you
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give somebody but there are certain
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relationships where giving all of your
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trust is a losing battle
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because you know that there are reasons
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not to trust this person and part of you
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instinctively
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feels like whatever is happening now
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will happen again
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right and that’s frightening
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so you have to decide whether this guy
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is worth trusting 100
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sure and if his actions have meant that
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you cannot trust him 100
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and you can’t give that standard that
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you want to give in a relationship
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then it’s time to leave
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because then you’re not being who you
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want to be in the relationship does that
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make sense
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that makes 100 sense
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trust me nothing will make you sleep
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better at night than being the person
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you want to be in a relationship right
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and right now it’s not just that he’s
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perhaps doing something you don’t like
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it’s that you’re being a person you
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don’t like as well because you don’t
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like being the person that’s going
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through his phone yeah i’m crazy i don’t
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like that at all i’m never like that no
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you don’t you don’t have that moment
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where you go through his phone and then
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sit there proud of yourself do you yeah
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i know it’s the worst right so that
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comes with a certain amount of you know
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self uh
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uh resentment self-loathing because you
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don’t like what you’re actually doing
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now sometimes the trust issue is is on
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your side right i’m not saying it is in
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this case but sometimes we need to trust
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more but we also need to put ourselves
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in a relationship
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where it’s easy to trust
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where it’s easy to let go and be with
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that person and if you’re someone
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already who is feeling those trust
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issues then you know you’re not in a
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relationship where it’s easy to trust
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necessarily especially since he’s given
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you reasons not to trust
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sure so
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here would be
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my advice to you you either have to say
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i know i can’t trust the way i want to
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in this relationship
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so let’s you and i take our go our
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separate ways for now
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and if we come back it’ll be from a
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place of mutual trust and respect
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if i’m gonna be in this and if you
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decide right i’m gonna give this one
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last shot then you go in it and you
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let him know this is where i stand i
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don’t want to be anything less than a
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trusting loving partner and i know i’m
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not being that when i’m going through
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your phone or when i’m
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disrespecting your privacy um in order
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to find things out that’s not who i want
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to be
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but i need to know that i can 100 trust
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you and that you’re in this and if
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you’re not
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then tell me now and that’s absolutely
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fine if you can’t be if you’re in a
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stage of your life where you can’t be
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trustworthy in the way that i need you
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to be that’s fine i respect it and i
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respect the honesty and let’s go our
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separate ways for now but let’s not
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torture each other i don’t want to talk
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i don’t want to be the woman torturing
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you by you feeling like you’re dating a
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detective
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and i don’t want you to be the guy who
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is torturing me because you’re giving me
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reasons not to trust you
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right that’s a poisonous relationship i
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don’t want to be in that kind of
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relationship so unless you and me make a
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decision now as adults
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um i like that
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no that’s awesome i mean that’s exactly
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what we’ve been trying to do so i i
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don’t like exactly what you said how i i
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don’t want to be that person either and
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i’d be perfectly fine it was a mutual
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decision to go separate ways and
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see what happens so here’s what you have
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to do don’t rely on him to be the
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grown-up you’d be the grown-up for the
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both of you and go and have a really
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adult conversation and you’re going to
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feel so much better i promise you
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hey guys matthew hussey here
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[Music]
8:52
jamison here i thought you were gonna
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introduce me
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was i supposed to introduce you we’re
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tag teaming this because we work so well
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together
9:00
it’s like we finish each other’s
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breakfasts
9:04
jesus we just finished our members
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session where for an hour we q aid with
9:09
our fast track members if you don’t know
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how to become a member by the way click
9:13
the link
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here
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or at the end of the video
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i’m going to pop it up all over the
9:19
place it’s a great link but there was
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something very interesting that happened
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during that webinar we had a caller call
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in she’d been in relation for three and
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a half years and there was this moment
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where she thought her boyfriend was
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possibly being unfaithful he basically
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went away on vacation for a couple of
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weeks or no he was on a work trip for a
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couple of weeks and
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she essentially
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long story short received a couple of
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messages on her phone that were from him
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but were not intended for her the
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message was something like
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lol a little aggressive for me hahaha
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yeah something like that where it
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completely it could be completely
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innocuous but imagine receiving a text
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like that horrible from your significant
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other when well actually here’s the
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horrible part what happened next was she
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wrote back and said you know
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clearly those weren’t meant for me
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and
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she then proceeded to ask for a
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screenshot of the text conversation that
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he was having with whoever he was having
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it with he said it was with a male work
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colleague uh who was
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late for breakfast or something which by
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the way may be true i’m not putting any
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judgment on this situation right now
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we’re coming as to it from complete
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outside perspectives but
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here’s what concerned me she asked for
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screenshots of the messages he then
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said you should trust me
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and if you need me to send a screenshot
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that’s about your insecurity and i don’t
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want to feed that insecurity this is a
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lesson you need to learn and i’m not
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going to send you the screenshots
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because it’s better for you that i don’t
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it’s better for your insecurity that i
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don’t feed it
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and i heard this and this
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lovely woman was
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you know
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she she really didn’t know what to do
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she said do i just accept that and move
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on or should i be frustrated or angry at
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that here’s how i broke it down for her
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because there are many people out there
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who will be facing some similar
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situation to this if you’re in a
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relationship and you’re coming with past
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baggage from a previous relationship
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maybe someone cheated on you maybe
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someone gave you cause to constantly be
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insecure and jealous
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and
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that is something you’ve not fully
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gotten over
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in your new relationship it’s not your
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it’s not your partner’s responsibility
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to take on all of that baggage right if
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you’re going through your partner’s
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phone and investigating them if you’re
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prying all the time if you’re constantly
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trying to look for something that isn’t
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there
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that’s not your partner’s fault and if
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they’re giving you no reason not to
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trust them then that’s something that
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you need to look at in yourself but in
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this situation where he has
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sent her something that she’s pro she’s
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she’s reacting to something information
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she’s actually gotten not by looking for
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it it’s found her that is not a moment
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for him to teach her a lesson about her
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confidence right
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well here’s what here’s here’s what
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happened on the call by the way
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because
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matt gave you gave that spiel
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and i i wanted to press back a little
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bit on this woman because i wanted to
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see
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has she really never br brought this up
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before because from the man’s side if
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they’ve been together for three and a
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half years
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and you’ve built up a lot of trust over
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the three and a half years and so when
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someone’s doubting you from an errant
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message
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like that can be painful too yes like
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that brings up maybe
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i don’t know if it’s insecurity but it
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brings up some pride being like hey hold
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on i’m a good man i’ve been a good man
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for three and a half years i agree so we
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pressed her a little bit to see like is
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this a recurring insecurity
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um has
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has this been something that’s addressed
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and so he’s bringing up he’s getting
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defensive for a reason
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but
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she seemed really really genuinely sweet
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and sincere that it kind of wasn’t that
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she had done a pretty good job and if
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anything she suppressed her insecurities
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yeah most of the time and didn’t bring
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them to him right and this was a
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situation that really caught her off
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guard so here’s what i think
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if he says
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here’s my you know like here take the
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screenshot i don’t i don’t mind i’ve got
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nothing to hide she sees it she says oh
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my god i’m such an idiot you know i
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didn’t you know i feel terrible blah
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blah blah he at that point can say
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i want you to trust me because i would
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never do anything
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to hurt you i would not do that to you
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and i understand that your insecurity
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today made you want to see that
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but
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i would prefer in the future if you
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would trust me because we’re in this
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together and we’re a team
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right and i’ll never give you reason to
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to doubt me
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and that maybe and but maybe you do
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acknowledge today may have seemed a
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little different because maybe you know
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i sent you something and it caught you
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off guard and it triggered something and
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i love you and i want you to feel safe
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and i want you to feel secure so i’m
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showing you this but in the future i
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would rather you trusted me because
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we’re on the same side
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so that’s the that’s the lesson that’s
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the response from the person who was
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doubted yes so what was what was the
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script for the person who was jealous
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for her what would you what did you have
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her say if he says just you should trust
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me
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then you know i’m a trustworthy person
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you should say and i’m a flawed person
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you know like i got i i’m flawed and i
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have my insecurities and i and it’s and
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it’s just
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and it’s just on my mind and i hate that
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it is
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i think it’s two people have to be a
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team together
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and i want she has to be a team in
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giving him the benefit of the doubt but
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she he should also be a team member in
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not
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you know
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creating more doubt
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by withholding something i could
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understand if she’d done this ten times
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in the last six months show me the
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message show me the message show me the
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message then he might be like you know
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what this is to i don’t want to be in a
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relationship like this
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because if you can’t trust me and if you
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constantly need me to show you proof of
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everything i don’t want to be in that
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relationship that’s his prerogative
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but
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if this is genuinely the first time
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that’s happened
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i i don’t know i think he’s hurting the
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relationship by doing that
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what was your question rizka okay my my
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question was
16:01
um
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about how to
16:04
how one should handle oneself how to
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deal with a situation where you hurt
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someone that causes them to lose trust
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in you
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um or there’s been some sort of
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risk in the relationship which you might
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be somewhat responsible for
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it’s a great question and it happens all
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the time you know it happens
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between men and women in both directions
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so i think it’s a great question how do
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you overcome
16:30
trust issues from that point on well
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there’s a process the one of the big
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mistakes that people make is they want
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it all to happen overnight but there’s a
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process in this
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one part of the process is obvious it’s
16:42
forgiveness
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but sometimes we want people’s
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forgiveness before we’ve earned it so
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i’m not necessarily going to put
16:49
forgiveness at the beginning but there
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are some things we can do to help speed
16:53
that process up the first one is
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communicating to that person that this
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is something that won’t happen again
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and in order to be able to communicate
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that we need to know why it won’t happen
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again
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so part of that is understanding why it
17:08
happened in the first place this is
17:10
something people often don’t do for
17:12
example
17:13
if someone were to
17:14
be unfaithful
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rather than just say i’m sorry i’m sorry
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i’m sorry it will never happen again
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what people can do is actually explore
17:24
why it happened in the first place
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well it happened because in that
17:28
particular moment i was being a very
17:31
weak person or i was being very selfish
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and that selfishness was coming from xyz
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or i was insecure and i was looking for
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attention
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whatever it is understanding the root
17:43
cause is really important
17:45
because once you understand the root
17:46
cause and you’re self-aware enough to
17:48
understand that you can explain to that
17:50
person let me i’m not just going to tell
17:52
you it won’t happen again let me tell
17:53
you why
17:54
this will never happen again
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a i respect you too much and you’re my
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number one priority and i love you to
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pieces and would never ever hurt you in
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this way again but b
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i have resolved these issues within
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myself what’s what made me do it the
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first time around and those insecurities
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or those feelings those root causes are
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no longer there because i’ve dealt with
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them or i’ve found a better way to
18:17
manage them that way do you see a risk
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of how you’re coming from a place of
18:21
credibility then in saying you won’t do
18:23
it again rather than just blindly
18:24
asserting it yeah i agree and actually
18:28
it’s interesting if you say that because
18:30
i just recently reconciled with someone
18:33
that i had hurt and i was trying to
18:35
figure out what was different with in
18:36
this case than with the relationships
18:39
that i had not reconciled i think was
18:41
because me and this person went through
18:43
this exact process that you’re
18:44
describing and some of the other people
18:46
in my life we never really reached that
18:48
place of examining the root causes right
18:50
absolutely because it’s not enough just
18:52
to say sorry you need to get clarity
18:55
and that’s what people respect and
18:57
actually you know what’s funny
18:59
is you can help alleviate some of the
19:02
hurt that someone feels if you can help
19:04
them understand what was going on in you
19:07
that led to that point in the first
19:09
place in other words if i just think
19:11
well someone cheated on me and now i
19:13
have all of this hurt as a result um
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they can’t necessarily make all of the
19:16
hurt go away but if i can truly
19:19
understand
19:20
uh that that was coming from a deeper
19:22
place of insecurity or inadequacy or
19:25
selfishness or whatever it is in that
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person i actually can help divorce
19:30
myself from that situation and make it
19:32
less personal so clarity is really
19:35
important now as i said we can’t expect
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someone to be perfect with you all at
19:39
once you know you you got to rebuild the
19:41
house
19:41
and you don’t get to do you don’t get to
19:44
click your fingers and have the house be
19:45
ready made again you’ve got to rebuild
19:47
it brick by brick that takes effort it
19:49
takes time to some extent it takes a
19:52
level of
19:53
in in this case proactive honesty uh is
19:56
what i like to call it because it’s
19:58
rather than what we i think often do in
20:00
relationships which is a reactive
20:02
honesty if someone asks us a question we
20:04
give them an answer proactive honesty is
20:07
for that person who we feel we’ve
20:09
wronged by cheating on them you know we
20:10
went out last night and we give them
20:12
more detail about last night than we
20:13
normally would we say yeah i had fun i
20:16
was with casey most of the night and
20:17
this happened and that happened and it
20:18
was you know a really enjoyable
20:20
experience and then i hung out with this
20:22
person and oh you would have loved it i
20:23
was talking all about you you you you
20:25
give them a bit more detail than you
20:27
maybe would have before because you’re
20:28
going out of your way to make them feel
20:31
secure and comfortable that might not be
20:33
something you have to do forever but
20:34
certainly in the beginning it it helps
20:37
to put them at ease and the last thing
20:39
i’ll say is this
20:41
if you’re going to continue with
20:42
somebody in a relationship and the trust
20:45
was broken
20:46
you have to make a pact with that person
20:49
and the fact is this
20:51
i know what i have to do to keep you
20:55
i know there’s
20:56
i have i have something to prove to you
20:58
now and i know that i have to rebuild i
21:00
get it but i also need you to do the
21:03
hardest thing in the world and give me
21:05
your trust again
21:07
because
21:08
you know that if i ever broke that trust
21:10
again i would be the full
21:12
not you
21:13
but in order to start again i need you
21:15
to trust me again i need that much and i
21:18
promise you i’ll go out of my way to
21:19
make this work but i need that from you
21:22
again for us to be able to carry on
21:25
that pact is essential and not having
21:28
that pact is the reason why so many
21:31
couples carry on in spite of a newfound
21:34
lack of trust
21:35
and find that they never really get back
21:38
to a place of trusting each other again
21:40
you’ve got to be able to hit reset and
21:42
start again knowing the hard work that’s
21:44
ahead of you but also knowing that you
21:46
have to be starting from that place does
21:48
that make sense
21:49
oh yes um
21:51
and i really love hearing you say that
21:53
because it really fits in with what i’ve
21:55
observed in my life and in others both
21:58
with what people have done right they’ve
21:59
done iran yeah um well thank you rizkar
22:03
i appreciate you calling in and a very
22:05
thoughtful question that i think is
22:07
going to help a lot of people out there
22:08
i really want you to check out this next
22:10
video i believe it’s going to help you a
22:11
lot click here my god if that can happen
22:14
anything can happen i’ll never be safe
22:16
even in situations where i thought i was
22:19
safe at any point the unthinkable could
22:23
happen
22:28
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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