If You Think He’ll Cheat On You, You’re Probably Right

“Your mindset changes your reality” sounds like advice from those self-improvement coaches who end up never truly helping you. I believed the only way to change your reality was through action, and positive thinking was a scam.

Until my therapist told me something that changed my perspective forever.

It happened in my first relationship, back in high school. I was dating Matt, and I was convinced that he was cheating on me. I became a detective, questioning his whereabouts, stalking other girls on social media, and suspecting his every move. Of course, it made me feel incredibly insecure.

One day, I realized I couldn’t take this anymore. Although I had no proof of the cheating, that’s not how you should feel in a relationship. So I broke up with him. And that was when he admitted he cheated.

Finally, I was proven right! The heartbreak hurt, but at least I felt the comfort of knowing I wasn’t insane.

A few years later, I discussed my previous relationships with my therapist, and I told her about the cheating. What she said startled me: instead of supporting me, she said it could be my fault. She explained to me the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy and how it affected the end of my relationship. The dictionary defines a self-fulfilling prophecy as:

“A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to be true due to the behavior (including the act of predicting it) of the believer.”

In simple terms, when you believe in something, you change your behavior, which makes it more likely that your belief will come true. The most famous experiment of this theory studied how a teacher’s expectation of students shaped their academic success. The conclusion is that when teachers expect students to perform well, they do.

And the self-fulfilling prophecy affects relationships as well.

Sensitive people are more likely to break up.

So what does science say about relationships and the self-fulfilling prophecy?

This study separates people into high rejection-sensitive (HRS) and low rejection-sensitive (LRS). The researchers analyzed how couples deal with conflict and what leads to breakups, and the results are surprising.

High rejection-sensitive people are more likely to break up: when there’s conflict, they show negative behavior — and their partners leave.

The prophecy “I’ll be rejected” becomes true because of their behavior.

When I found this study, I realized the same happened to me. I thought of all the times when I made Matt feel pressured, didn’t trust him, and started arguments because of my insecurities. All these small actions played a role in Matt’s cheating. With time, my insecurities destroyed my relationship: my fears came true because of me.

Still, I refused to stay stuck in this pattern — I was determined to find a way to break it. After more research, I found the best approach:

Change your narrative.

The self-fulfilling prophecy will come true, whether you like it or not. So if you can’t stop the prophecy, the only thing you can do is change it.

The secret to overcoming the self-fulfilling prophecy is to be aware of your expectations and beliefs. Once you’re aware of your mindset, you have the power to change it.

Here’s how to use the self-fulfilling prophecy in your relationship:

Step 1: understand the current scenario.

The first step is to understand where you are now. What’s the status of your relationship? What bothers you? What are your beliefs about your relationship?

In my case, Matt and I were not in a good place: I had a firm belief that he’d cheat on me, and it made me feel insecure.

To learn the status of your relationship, watch your actions. This strategy works because actions are the product of your beliefs. For instance, my belief led to specific behaviors, such as watching Matt’s phone and not believing what he said. So watch your actions and find out what they mean.

Step 2: visualize the desired scenario.

You can’t achieve the ideal relationship if you don’t know what it means to you.

What don’t you like about your current relationship? What is the perfect relationship? What do you value in a partner?

It doesn’t mean you’ll achieve the perfect relationship simply by defining what it means to you. But having a clear picture helps you work towards it and look for a partner who matches your expectations.

Step 3: map the differences and act on them.

Once you know the difference between your current state and the perfect state, you can change your mindset.

Start mapping out small things you can do to move closer to your goal. Then, take one small action per day: prepare a romantic meal, send an unexpected text, surprise your partner with a present, or simply have a meaningful conversation.

When you change your actions, you slowly change your mindset.

And your beliefs will determine your self-fulfilling prophecy.

When I learned about my role in Matt’s cheating, I felt guilty. It was painful to take responsibility for my mistakes. But I was a victim of the self-fulfilling prophecy — there’s no one else to blame.

Matt made his mistakes as well: for me, cheating is a deal-breaker. And it was still his choice to cheat. My actions were wrong, but you shouldn’t use other people’s mistakes to justify yours.

Still, realizing how our behavior works is the only way to change. Once I learned how the self-fulfilling prophecy affects my relationships, I watched my beliefs closely and used my actions to reinforce positive beliefs.

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Previously Published on medium

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