Scott Alden of dating site How About We looks at the absurdity of sexual shaming language.
“Slut” is a funny word. Not funny haha, but funny strange. The meaning and the power of the word change drastically depending on who’s using it and who’s being addressed. Among some women friends, “slut” has become almost a term of endearment. Some like to be called a slut in sexual situations because it turns them on. The word has even been re-purposed as a symbol of power and the freedom to have sex with who they want to, when they want to (e.g., The Ethical Slut or Toronto’s recent Slutwalk).
Now, maybe it’s the result of backlash against political correctness. Maybe it’s confusion. Possibly, it’s just straight-up douchebaggery. But it seems that men (and women, too) are still using the word “slut” as a means of shaming and judging women for their sexual practices and style of dress.
The Gloss anonymously interviewed seven men from different walks of life, asking each, “What makes a woman a slut?” and posted the results yesterday. Among the indications of sluttiness cited were:
How many people she sleeps with a year
Dressing “trashy”
Sleeping with multiple men at one time
Not waiting long enough to sleep with a guy
Having sex with them on a first date
Wha? You’d call a woman a slut because she slept with you?
Aside from the obvious double-standard, the centuries of sexual repression and shaming women for daring to have a sex drive, and the host of other reasons that a statement like this is unfair, irresponsible and cowardly, you are contributing to a hostile and fearful dating environment.
If you don’t like the choices a woman makes about whom she sleeps with and when, you are more than welcome not to sleep with her. But to continue to judge single women for having the audacity to sleep with who they want to—something that single men are generally congratulated for—is to perpetuate an antagonistic dynamic between the sexes that has seen its day.
If the ethical argument is lost on you here, think of it this way, guys: does it really benefit you to make women feel hesitant to express their sexuality?
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This post first appeared on The Date Report, the companion blog to dating site HowAboutWe.com. It’s a place where they even use Cyrano as a verb, as in, Vocab Lessons: Have You Ever Cyrano’d for Someone?
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I think the problem is the conflation of the words slut and whore. The whore has sex with many individuals or in a group. The slut, in the past definitions, had whore-like social conduct, but may be promiscuous. If someone had sex with a slut, that doesn’t change her characteristics and behaviors. A guy has sex with three women in his entire life and one of those women was a whore or a slut, she’s still in the promiscuous category of behavior. Plus statistically, a slut/whore/promiscuous woman is least likely to pair bond with every penis that she envelops. Guys… Read more »
Well there are many of us good men out there that Can be faithful to just One Woman, and the real problem is that most women do sleep around with so many different men all the time instead of Committing to just only One Man.
The list of reasons those men gave in the survey were just the same old garbage it always was. The fact is, there is a “secret society” called “The Sisterhood” that consists of 52% of the human race and which I once belonged to. The 50% is all females. The 2% consists of 1% gay men and 1% players. In this secret society, there’s no judgement of women’s behaviour and they can have sex with whomever they like, any time, any place, anywhere. Players are allowed in to see it because they don’t judge. Gays are allowed in because they… Read more »
Excellent point in this article. I think when men slut-shame, it is simply coming from their inferior position in the game of sexual politics. Women like to complain about, well, everything (relax, just kidding, mostly), but when it comes to the whole game of heterosexual interaction, most men feel at a terrible disadvantage. Women are the objects of desire, and it’s up to men to put aside all their fears, develop a thick skin, and compete for them successfully, generally without any moral support from other men. Without an innately huge sense of self-confidence, or some success to keep things… Read more »
Well said, Paul.
From “The Fall”
Man F*cks Woman. Man, Subject: F*cks, Verb : Woman, Object.
You’re comfortable with that.
Woman F*cks Man. Woman, Subject: Man, Object.
Not so comfortable, hmmm?
Hate to break it to everyone but “slut shaming” is mostly done by other women. Men like girls that put out and don’t want to discourage them by labeling them. But it’s fashionable to blame men for every problem that women have.
I think the point is being missed here..
It’s not that the people are being called slut per se, it’s the belief that promiscuity is bad or wrong.
This is going after the effect, rather than the cause
Except, male promiscuity is expected, even celebrated. With female “promiscuity” – as one other poster here said – the kindest observation is that she must have “low self esteem”. As for me, I adore men. I slept with men before I was married, and I liked it. I married young and stayed monogamous through a long and largely sexless marriage. When I divorced, I slept with men again – either serially or while I was playing the field. Was it helpful for my divorced and battered self-esteem? Well – wouldn’t it be for any of you? After getting out of… Read more »
Best definition of a slur I ever heard was : A woman who enjoys sex with men other than the man calling her a slut.
The double standards are the big problem, here. I was abstinent since my divorce in 2007. A man I had dated when I was 20, before my marriage, came back into my life in 2012. He remembered my high drive. He teased me for a month before I gave in. Then….he shamed me for sleeping with him. It devastated me. My sex drive is dead. It’s been almost 2 years. No desire whatsoever. He did a real number on me.
I think the point of being called a slut is being missed. It’s not that she sleeps with a lot of men, but why she sleeps with a lot of men. Basically to seek approval. It’s about a damaged ego and lack of healthy boundaries. It’s these women thinking that they have nothing to offer anyone accept their bodies as a plaything for men whom, they assume, wouldn’t otherwise be interested. It’s about having no self worth. Don’t try to make it about empowerment. That’s like putting icing on a turd and calling it cake. Still a turd anyway you… Read more »
There are two problems with your ‘logic’. First is your assumption of her motivations; you really have no clue why a woman makes her sexual choices. It’s likely there are women who engage in casual sex due to a low self esteem, but you don’t know that. Many women engage in casual sex because they simply enjoy it. The second problem with your ‘logic’ is that you think that just because a woman is engaging in casual sex for the ‘wrong reasons’ (ie because she is trying to pump up her self esteem through what we’re assuming is male attention… Read more »
So (a) you can read people’s minds and know why they choose to have sex and (b) you have the authority to judge whether or not those reasons are valid reasons? I don’t think A or B seem particularly likely; it seems a lot more likely to me that you have invented a straw man (or, in this case, straw woman) in your mind, and are projecting that image onto sexually active women in order to protect your own right to shame them.
Thank you Scott for writing this. I think we (men) need to start having more thoughtful conversations about the unintended consequences of our choices.
I took this a little further in my article http://www.forgeover.com/articles/2013/06/18/slut-shaming-from-a-mans-perspective and am curious if you would agree with my approach.
I’m with this, and I’m hardly a beta. This word disappeared for a while in the late 60s and 70s. It popped up again with the sex-negativity that came in with the 80s. Hint: much of the time, it’s women who push it…
Hi Hank
What do women push?
Do you mean they push for sex or are the ones that calls other women sluts ?
I think Hank has a point (not a complete one, but one nonetheless) Outside of fictional situations, in my experience, it is woman who do the ‘slut shamming’ or judging. I know I’m guilty of it, even though I’ve grown out of that attitude mostly, it can still be a default thought or opinion because reinforcement over the years has just made it easy. We jump to the conclusion of “slut” because of jealousy, righteousness, and just not having the facts about a person. As for men, the headline of the article says it all. Kind of disappointed there wasn’t… Read more »
So Hank, you use the term “beta” without even a hint of irony and then blame misogynist shaming on women. That tells me just about all I need to know about how in touch you are with reality. Hint: not very.
Hi Howaboutwe.com ✺”If you don’t like the choices a woman makes about whom she sleeps with and when, you are more than welcome not to sleep with her. But to continue to judge single women for having the audacity to sleep with who they want to—something that single men are generally congratulated for—is to perpetuate an antagonistic dynamic between the sexes that has seen its day. If the ethical argument is lost on you here, think of it this way, guys: does it really benefit you to make women feel hesitant to express their sexuality?”✺ You ask the question: “Does… Read more »
Hi La-ura Men that think and say thing like Garret do here knows nothing about women and women’s life. It show great ignorance about life,the society he lives in, and most of all show a total lack of education about women’s sexuality. That is the most surprising. How can any man lack basis knowledge about women like he expresses it here? . It also an insult to all women. Women’s love life and sexuality can never be understood by theories from economics. The theories does not even explain our consumer behavior. Men should stop whining like this: ✺ “women have… Read more »
I’d have to say, this article isn’t very effective, anyone who agrees with it probably did before they read it. Anyone who doesn’t, isn’t likely to be swayed.
Sometime ago I read (which I could find the link) as to why when a man beds 20 women in a year it is considered ‘special’ or that he has ‘talent’ , because if a women wants to bed 20 guys in a year, all she has to do is say yes, a man actually has to ‘work’ at it. There really isn’t any work for a woman to do it. Now, I don’t like the word slut quite frankly because I believe if a woman wants to bed a 1000 guys a night more power to her, same as… Read more »
I know!
When a girl sleeps with a thousand guys she’s a “Slut”
But when a guy does it he’s “Gay!”
Sorry but there is no double standard, MEN who sleep with lots of women are called dogs and that isn’t a term of endearment at all.
We all make choices and must accept their consequences. Sorry, you can’t tell people wha to think or prefer. All a woman who wants to have many sexual partners has to do is find the same thing a man who has had many different jobs has to do, find someone who doesn’t mind.
Come on guys the site is either pANDERING TO WOMEN OR IS ABOUT BETAHOOD… CHECK THIS OUT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dVmwoR24rc
THEN GOOGLE ROISSY IN DC FOR GODS SAKE
Yes, it does benefit them.
But masturbating in favour of mindless hedonism is so much more trendy these days.
I’m sorry, but that is faulty logic. A woman’s willingness to sleep with me has zero bearing on whether or not she is a slut. If I am the 14th man she’s been with in the last six months, sleeping with me doesn’t make her slutty, the other 13 guys do. I don’t judge a woman based on sleeping with me on the first date or not. As far as the “double-standard” (which is a complete misnomer in my opinion) it exists because women have far more power in the sexual marketplace. They control sex, not men. We have to… Read more »
actually I am not sure why this struck me the way it did , but I remember some years ago someone pointing out the hypocrasy of stat rape, (when someone has sex with a girl under the age of X (insert age for your area) and in some areas there has to be an age difference. The hypocrasy is this, the girl could have sex with a 1000 guys in here age range but if she sleeps with 1 guy who is 1 year outside that range he is a criminal.
Justifying anything by claiming “Women control access to sex!” is downright silly. Women could easily make the same claim about men, except with “committed relationships” instead of “sex”. Many, MANY women feel they have to “snag a man” to feel like a real woman. Meanwhile many, MANY men feel like they need to have a certain number of attractive female partners to be a real man. But these are just the irrational demands of society, however they are so thoroughly ingrained that many people feel ashamed they can’t reach these goals, and resent they opposite sex for not making it… Read more »
“One key that opens many locks is a good key; one lock that is opened by many keys isn’t a good lock.”
May work for keys but not for people. If you flatter yourself to think that men can unlock women aka sleep around but women can’t do the same, you are wholeheartedly contributing to double standards. As for claiming women hold all the sex cards, wrong again there
Garrett, snapping fingers only applies to attractive women, yet there are also women who find it more difficult to have their sexual needs satisfied, as they’re less favourable in the “market”, e.g. overweight women, single mothers, mature women. Add this slut-shaming habit of the society and there you have a woman, who is single, strugles finding a comitted relationship, yet supresses her natural needs because of fear of being called a slut. Thats exactly why you have to “work” to get laid, so stop this “its easier for them, therefore they’re sluts” rant and check the reality.
Your first paragraph is powerful and one of the most honest statements I’ve read – thank God for truth-telling- how can men and women have the healthy relationships with all these irrational dishonest shame based beliefs?
Aside from the obvious double-standard, the centuries of sexual repression and shaming women for daring to have a sex drive, and the host of other reasons that a statement like this is unfair, irresponsible and cowardly, you are contributing to a hostile and fearful dating environment.
LMAO Lets get real !! Any man that exhibits that kind of behaviour gets frowned on if not figuratively spit on… And that goes a whole lot less nice.
OK heres the perfect example of a man calling a woman a slut and her turning the tables https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dVmwoR24rc
Since I’m a sixties type culturally, both of my wives and most of the women I’ve slept with have had as many partners as I have. The slut-non_slut dichotomy is like a bad version of the 1950s returned. The term “slut” was used then too. (Very scary Claude Levi-Srauss type binary, that.) Then “slut” went away for about 20 years. I find the celebration of team sports and predatory business practices, along with sex-negative (neo-Victorian) feminism to be part of the same discourse. Bad dream. The interaction on this site frequently seems to be between snarfy young male MBA types… Read more »
Men will sleep with a slut, but they won’t marry them. Unless she’s unattractive, you will never get a men to speak ill of himself for having sex with a slut. You can be foolish, proudly call yourself a slut and watch as every high quality man runs from you OR you can keep your mouth shut and put your slutty past behind you. The double standard exist because a man who has sex with high quality woman is seen as a high quality man while a woman who has sex with a high quality man but unless to form… Read more »
And it’s men like that, that see women in terms of slut and not for their sexuality that don’t really enjoy women or their sexuality.