I’m Dating to Get Over a Man

My friend and I arrive at a restaurant. She takes a minute to call someone. I jump on my dating app. When she finishes her call, she glances at my phone. She wants to get a peek at the guys.

“It’s probably not the best idea,” I say.

“What?” she says.

“I’m dating to get over a man,” I say. “It’s not the best motivation, not that I don’t want to meet someone because I do. But I’m trying to forget someone else. It would be better if I was completely over him and never thought about him.”

A girl who works at the restaurant is taking this in.

“Just mind your own business,” she says. “And then a man will ruin it.”

We laugh at her young smart ass wisdom.

“There are nice guys,” I say. “I just need to get over some of the selfies because Sorry Guys but You Shouldn’t Take Selfies — At least not on your dating profile. Especially, the bed selfie. It’s not sexy. It’s not a great look.”

“What about this guy?” says my friend.

“Maybe it’s not fair,” I say. “Maybe it’s not the right thing to do. But if I’m honest, then it wouldn’t be wrong. Would it? I’ll tell the men I go out with that I recently ended something. I’ll be full disclosure.”

My friend is distracted.

She’s texting.

“Is it wrong?” I say. “In the post-divorce dating world aren’t there a lot of people getting over other people?”

I hear the absurdity of my words.

I’m rationalizing my bad behavior.

“Ugh,” I say. “I was totally over my ex-husband. Obviously, not everyone is still getting over someone. But there have to be others out there like me. It shouldn’t keep me from trying to move on, or should it?”

My friend is still distracted.

Our young restaurant buddy chimes in.

At least, someone is listening.

“If you meet a man here,” she says. “We should have a drink that’s your safe word. That’s how we’ll know you need rescuing, if he turns out not to be a good guy. Let’s pick a random cocktail and if you order it we’ll know.”

“Not a bad idea,” I say jokingly.

But back to the…I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to date to get over a man…

I jumped online two weeks ago.

I haven’t gotten back to a single guy.

I planned on trying online dating at the start of March. A guy I know and I joked about taking a few months off from dating. We were both going to jump on dating apps in March.

March 1st came and went.

A few days later I came home from going out with friends.

I was trying to fall asleep. I was frustrated there was a guy on my mind. The same guy. The guy who won’t go away. I grabbed my phone and re-activated my dating profile.

Aren’t the best decisions made at 2:30 in the morning?

I mean, it’s kinda like the opposite of a drunk text.

When you think about it that way, it feels like the smarter choice.

Yay! Good for me.

I had restraint. I didn’t text a man at 2:30 in the morning. I did my best to forget about a man at 2:30 in the morning. I’m evolving while getting over a guy, aren’t I?

I used my phone for good, not evil.

Because a few other times, I Couldn’t Keep My Hands to Myself — Technology has made broken hearts far more humiliating. I might’ve let my fingers do the talking on some other nights.

I knew the relationship would be short with the man I was seeing.

But it got complicated at the end.

He used to joke we should get into an argument right before he had to move. He said it might make leaving each other easier. We would laugh about it.

Ironically, I ended up getting mad a few days after he left.

It was a misunderstanding, emotions were high.

I didn’t want something to be true because if it was, it invalidated everything I had experienced. It made what existed between us feel less real.

But I had to let go of my anger.

I realized being upset over something, just keeps emotions active.

It only made it harder to let him go.

Some anger can be good. It can give us the motivation to not tolerate something or someone anymore. It can give us the boundaries we otherwise lack, or conversely, it can inspire us to not give up on something.

But this anger wasn’t good.

This anger was intense.

I felt wounded.

I’m sure it’s because I resisted dating for so long after my divorce. I think it’s why every emotion I felt during our short time together was intense. It’s why at times, I was incredibly emotional.

I was taking a risk.

A risk I had successfully avoided for years.

My feelings ran away from me. In some ways, it’s embarrassing. In other ways, it’s not. We can’t control the heart. The heart feels, it doesn’t think. It doesn’t listen to us.

We become friends with people and we give them a piece of it.

Either for a short-time or forever.

A few safe people we allow into our core.

Because there’s something wonderful about them. There’s something the best parts of us…our heart and our soul…feel madly about them. There’s something that makes us want to hold them close.

There’s something that makes us not want to let them go.

Until we’re forced to.

And we’ll try anything, even online dating to get over them.

Even if it isn’t the best idea.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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