I’m Dumbfounded

I’m dumbfounded. Perplexed. Confused. And frightened. Worried. I feel a hole in my stomach. My hands feel like they’re vibrating, but it’s on the inside only. My mouth, cheeks, and eyes feel heavy, like they’re filled with concrete.

Dumbfounded is a good word, because I feel dumb. Have I been so wrong about humanity? Are our fellow Americans just so misogynistic they couldn’t allow a woman to be president? Or too racist? But somewhere upwards of 40% of Latinos voted for DT and helped swing the election. I’m missing something here. Or are we too vengeful? Too afraid? Too ready to accept a simple or convenient lie instead of searching for the more complex or inconvenient truth? Are our memories so short we don’t remember the chaos, fear, and malignant incompetence of DT’s response to COVID? Or his assaults on healthcare? The favoritism shown the rich?

Or have too many of us been so consumed by fake news we can’t see what seems so obvious to many of us? Or so deluded by fake news or disinformation we’ve voted in the King of fake news? The wanna-be Dictator of lies, hate, and fear?

I’m so confused.

Or maybe the election results are off? Or just feel impossible? Certainly, if the results prove accurate, the polling was off.

I was recently at a large dinner party seated with two obviously intelligent women I didn’t know. They were talking about their distrust in government. Their level of distrust and bitter anger startled me. One, who was a Kamala Harris supporter, even said, “Do we really know if we should have fought in World War II? Did we defeat Fascism?” I jumped in with two not-very mindful feet and said, “Yes. We did. Remember six million Jews had been killed, exterminated.” We shut off the ovens. We released starving millions from concentration camps. She said she agreed with me. The other woman became silent. But what about the distrust? Was I witnessing the result of disinformation aimed at undermining our trust in democracy?

Maybe she had a point neither of us recognized right then. Maybe the fascism continued underground. Maybe we saw its ugly face last night?

I don’t know.

But maybe the not-knowing can be a good thing. There’s something positive in admitting just how much we don’t know. In leaving ourselves open to whatever arises, and without using ideas to ignore or hide from what or who is standing in front of us. If we can tolerate it. Or maybe we torture ourselves, “doomscroll,” get lost in so many images of an awful future we miss the positive possibilities for action available to us now?

I’m almost glad the campaign is over. The wondering. Right now, Biden is still President. The sun still rose this morning. Over the night, my cats demanded food several times. They were a bit disturbed. Maybe they could feel my anxiety. And now, for Harris supporters, a new level of fear and not-knowing stands in front of each of us.

And I don’t know what will happen when I leave my house. Will there be people weeping in the streets? Others laughing, or black-flagged vehicles honking their horns in celebration?

I’m dumbfounded. But I feel a little comforted by the fact I’m not alone. There are millions who stand with me, maybe crying. Maybe angry. Maybe wondering, what more could I have done? The earth itself is turning with me. If there was ever a time to reach out for friends and family, this is it. If there was ever a time to find energy to treat ourselves and others with kindness and compassion, or work on mental clarity and emotional awareness, this is it.

In the coming days, months, years, we don’t know what we might be called upon to do or who we might be called upon to protect. But we need to have the care and energy to do it.

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This Post is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: Flickr