Emotional Connection and the City: where have the good men gone?
I’m Emotionally Available, But Am I?
I find myself craving emotional intimacy with men. Yet, I am terrified to join an online dating site, as I had a terrible experience with one in the past.
Since separating from my husband I have yet to truly enter the dating scene. I’ve been focusing on my children and furthering my career. I honestly don’t have time to date anyone, however, that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it constantly. I miss having regular sex, snuggling with a man, and engaging in thought-provoking conversations.
However, I was with my ex for nine years. It’s difficult to get back on the dating scene. I feel like an old person entering a high school dance. It’s weird, and I’m wearing suspenders while the rest of the people are stylishly clad in the latest threads. I don’t know if people use the word threads anymore. Like I said, I’m old.
Despite the fact that I am not online dating proper, I have met some wonderful men on the Internet during my travels. I’m not actively looking for these testosterone-dominant human beings; they just find me. The trouble is that the men I meet and am interested in happen to live in other states or countries. I’ve connected with men on the west coast, the south, and in Europe; pretty much everywhere but Brooklyn.
Why can’t I meet a man in New York City? I don’t fucking know.
Well, maybe that’s not the case. Maybe the issue is that I am afraid of emotional intimacy. Perhaps, by connecting with men who are not in the same time zone as I am, I’m protecting myself from heartache.
Think about it: if it goes badly, I don’t have to see them on the street. I can just delete their phone number and keep it moving.
Perhaps I am keeping men at arms length because I am afraid to get hurt again. It’s hard to be married and think you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone and then have that dream crushed. I’m not saying that I want to get married again; I honestly don’t know if I ever will. But I do not want a man to hurt me the way that I have been hurt in the past.
Typically I am emotional, real, raw and honest. The men that I’ve been involved with haven’t been as emotionally available as I have. They have been shut down in their emotional development.
Ironically, I feel like I am at a place where I cannot quite access my emotions. I am protecting myself from further hurt.
Paradoxically, I crave emotional intimacy. I want to be close to a man, to feel his touch, to have him kiss my neck and other places. Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter, this is a family website.
The reality is that I won’t be able to have a legitimate relationship with a man who lives on the other side of the country because his mind and his penis are in a different area code. That makes life hard…or not. I want to be with someone who can actually snuggle with me and make out on Friday nights, but that thought is also terrifying.
It’s the concept that they could destroy me emotionally. It makes me anxious.
What am I so afraid of?
I’m afraid of a man getting close to me. I’m terrified of him knowing my innermost secrets because then he has the power to hurt me. When someone knows you on a deep emotional level they have access to a button that they can push at any time. They can use this button to help you or hurt you. In the past, my button was pushed to manipulate and hurt me. I don’t want that to happen ever again.
But if I don’t let him inside, I won’t have the potential to be loved in a profound way; the way I deserve to be loved.
I’ve heard people say that to find a partner, you have to be open to receiving love. I want so badly to believe this is possible.
My man is out there. He must be.
That is absolutely true. Perhaps it’s time for me to look for a man in the (212) area code. Holla!
Photo: Nikos Koutoulas/Flickr