I’m Her Dirty Little Secret

When I was young, other boys taught me an interesting yet crass slang word to describe some girls: “moped.”

A moped is a motorized vehicle that almost gives you the same thrill as riding a motorcycle, but it’s simply not as cool. People would make fun of you if you had one.

The term was appropriated to describe women you “ride for fun,” but you would hide that fact from others because your reputation would take a hit from being sexually involved with someone who isn’t conventionally attractive.

Yes, it’s a cruel term. I wouldn’t dream of calling any woman that.

When it comes to boys describing girls as mopeds, it’s a simple matter of her not meeting conventional beauty standards. A boy will almost never be ashamed of dating or being intimate with a girl as long as she’s hot.

When it comes to women and girls assessing men and boys, however, it’s never that simple.

A girl might be ashamed of dating or being intimate with a boy for an endless variety of reasons: his habits, his lifestyle, his social class, his height, his looks, his wealth, his status, his age, and more. It’s a matter of her standards of what she’s looking for in a relationship.

There are plenty of women who aren’t what you would call “shallow.”

They wouldn’t be ashamed of you no matter what, as long as she likes you for any reason.

However, because of certain social pressures, some women will feel that sort of shame if you don’t fit a certain mold.

I became the moped.

Well, to some women, at least.

I have dated many women who saw me through rose-colored glasses. They didn’t see me as a moped at all.

I have also dated and hooked up with women who, for one reason or another, treated me like a moped, and I don’t blame them. Sometimes I simply didn’t meet their physical standards for a committed relationship, sometimes they didn’t want others to know that they slept with someone who was known for his promiscuity, and — very often — sometimes they didn’t want to get serious with a polyamorist.

While some of these women didn’t want others to know about what we had together, I realized that their standards for sleeping with someone were different from their standards for a relationship.

Yup. Just like us men.

Recently, I was in bed with someone who told me something interesting.

“I feel guilty doing this with you when I don’t want a relationship with you.”

She meant that she had no intention of being boyfriend and girlfriend with me, which I was perfectly fine with. I wasn’t lacking any love in my life from other sources, and I enjoyed the physical intimacy we were having.

I felt fine with our arrangement, especially since there were already other women in my life who fully accepted me. Having some no-strings-attached fun on the side was only a boon.

She was projecting. As a young woman, she knew that she would feel bad if a man “used” her for her body without having any intention of committing. I helped her understand that I did not feel that way.

When I used to learn from “pickup artists,” there were some who had the following philosophy:

Be the man who “doesn’t count.”

This was based on the theory that, if you ask a woman how many men she had sex with, she will consider that some men she had sex with “didn’t count” for one reason or another. The number she considers her body count would supposedly be lower than the actual number of sexual partners she’s had.

(Make sure this kind of comedy doesn’t reinforce any actual bitterness toward women within you)

Being the man who doesn’t count meant being the man that many women would sleep with, but wouldn’t want to settle down with. It’s about following a lifestyle of easy sex.

This philosophy was touted by men who lived very promiscuous lifestyles. They had a lot of sex with a lot of women, and almost never committed to loving relationships.

They were perfectly fine with being a moped.

I had my fun following that sort of lifestyle for a while, and I’m still comfortable with many aspects of it. Being able to have loving relationships, though, is a lot more fulfilling.

That means I don’t want to be a moped, right? Fortunately, to the women who love me, I’m not.

Don’t let the fact that you’re a moped to some women get you down.

In all likelihood, you’re perfectly attractive enough for someone to think of you as an ideal partner.

And, even if you don’t meet someone’s relationship standards, you might still be able to share physical intimacy with her. You just need to know how to attract them with other skills. If that’s important to you, that’s good news for you.

To those of you who want real love, the sheer diversity of women’s tastes is also great news.

You may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but you’re more than good enough for someone out there.

The path you choose is ultimately about your current value system.

If you’re at a time in your life where sex is more important to you than love, go ahead and be the man who doesn’t count. You’d be fine with being a moped more often than not, right?

However, I don’t advise trying to hide behind sex as a bandage for deeper wounds you’ve suffered from lacking love and self-validation. If you’ve reached a point in your life where you think of love as more important than sex, focus more on the women who will accept you more wholly.

Either way, you’re going to need to skill up. Having sex and finding love with women is less about your looks and more about your expressions. It’s about knowing how to guide them through specific emotions. Seduction skills are social skills, and you can start learning them whenever you want. Why not now?

Have you ever hooked up with someone who didn’t want a relationship with you, or with someone you didn’t want a relationship with? How did you feel? What did you learn? Tell me your thoughts in the comments.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.