For many people, the idea of infidelity is an unforgivable act. Why would you cheat on someone you’re married to? Shouldn’t you be committed to the person you’re married to?
The answer is obviously yes. However, life can throw us some curveballs. Some people may find themselves falling out of love with their spouse and are falling in love with someone else. Or, you may still be in love, but you’re in love with someone else too. Every situation is different, and sometimes, it’s tempting to commit infidelity or leave the marriage for another person. For couples who are open or poly, it’s all a matter of discussion. For a couple who is monogamous, it’s a whole lot more difficult.
This article can help you make sense of it all.
It Can Happen to Anyone
Having feelings for someone you’re not married to can make you feel ashamed, but the truth is that these feelings can be natural, and many of us don’t plan it. For example, you may have been committed to your spouse, but you’re at a low point in your marriage. Coincidentally, there’s someone new in your life, maybe a coworker, who you find yourself having feelings for. The coworker seems to feel the same way as well. It’s very easy to have an affair, or want to leave your spouse for the other person.
Think About the Consequences
When you find yourself wanting to cheat on your spouse, one way you can be able to put yourself back is to think about the consequences. Many people who are lovestruck think about the short-term and not the long.
For example, you may think about having an affair, but you may not realize what comes after it. What will your kids think, if you have any? Your family? Can you keep this affair a secret? If you end up going after this person, can you make it committed? Is this person better or worse off than your spouse?
There are many consequences to consider. Sometimes, they can be positive. For instance, if your marriage is toxic and beyond repair, maybe it will be better for you to end the marriage and pursue that person.
Love, or Lust?
Another question you must ask is if you’re really in love with this person, or you’re in lust with them. As you probably have realized, there is a major difference and one that can be hard to figure out when you’re blinded by emotions.
With lust, it’s mostly attraction. You may have nothing in common with this person, and maybe you feel like they’re annoying. However, you find them to be incredibly attractive. When you’re in lust, you need to remember that these feelings don’t last for long. You may end up having a few affairs, then the magic dies out and you don’t want to talk to the person anymore.
Does the person have anything in common with you? Do you feel butterflies in your stomach every time you speak to them? Could you see yourself as a good couple who could work together to have the best life possible? These are some questions you need to ask yourself?
End the Marriage if You Want to Pursue This
If you want to pursue someone you’re in love with, and you’ve thought it over, it may be best to end the marriage you have. You don’t want to be having an affair while you’re still married. It looks bad on you, after all. Make sure to end the marriage if possible. It’s a hard decision, one that is costly and stressful, but if you were planning to end the marriage anyway, it can be for the best.
If You Want to Stick to the Marriage
If you find that even though you have feelings for someone else, you want to stay committed, here’s a little guide for that.
Stop Talking to the Person
When it comes to someone you’re in love with, you can’t be “just friends,” especially if you share mutual feelings. It’s important that you stop talking to the person you’re in love with. Block them, or have one last conversation explaining what’s going on.
If it’s a coworker or someone else who is hard to escape from, see if you can be transferred, or avoid speaking to them.
Seek Marriage Counseling
If one of the reasons why you’re in love with someone else is because you’re drifting apart in your current marriage, seeking counseling or therapy can be the solution you need.
Often, a marriage that has lost love can be fixed. You can survive this and be a better couple. However, there may be communication barriers that make it hard to repair your marriage. For instance, the two of you may spend your time yelling at each other, bringing up old events, or engaging in other nonproductive discussions.
A counselor can break down communication barriers and toxic behaviors that make your marriage worse.
In addition, you may have to admit that you were in love with someone else. A counselor’s office can be the safest way to express these emotions. While your spouse may still be upset, a counselor can be a middle person who explains your emotions in the best possible way.
For many couples, marriage counseling can be a great way to restore their marriage. For other couples, the opposite can happen. The two of you may realize you weren’t meant to be together, and it can be a way to end the marriage in the most civil way possible. That way, you can pursue the person who you were meant to be with.
Conclusion
If you say to yourself, “I’m married, but in love with someone else,” it can be a challenge that’s a little more complicated than one would think. It is something you’ll have to think about, discuss, and find the best solution for. Good luck and we hope you find the best outcome.
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