I’m Not Her Constant

I had a brutal friendship breakup recently and it made me question the longevity of relationships.

What was said and done, was one piece of the puzzle, but how she told me she loved me then proceeded to abuse was another.

Love is a strong word, and if your actions don’t align, I don’t think you know what love means.

I’m not one to say friendships can’t exist, but I will say in this day and age, impermanence is faster than in any other decade.

The rate at which friendships drop is astounding, it seems as if there’s no tolerance for who the other person could be.

My real question is, do people even like each other anymore? With the loneliness epidemic and social media, all I see is constant hate.

As I sit wildly sobbing about this friendship this morning, feeling like I lost a soulmate, one conversation I remember is of how she told me recently that her new four-month-old-romantic relationship was the main constant in her life.

Apparently, our friendship and the time we put into our bond meant nothing to her. I was supposed to be the real authentic bond she didn’t have in her circle. She faced the world with an archetype but deep down wanted the authenticity she craved.

That’s why she told me she loved me — and also a reason why she proceeded to break my heart. I’ve made many mistakes, but love was always the standard on top. She didn’t agree, and measured how I was a friend she didn’t have to invest time and effort in.

In fact it grew into something more one-sided, she couldn’t tolerate many parts of my personality, despite aspiring to it. I was always confused as to why her actions didn’t align with her words. More importantly, after a friendship pause in between, it was agonizing to believe that I wasn’t a part of her life. I care so much, only to be placed on the bottom of the totem pole. So what did you want then?

When I had a panic attack recently, it was met with her saying “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for this,” instead of picking up the phone and calming me down for two seconds. I have never been more isolated within those ten minutes than in any other part of my life (and trust me it’s been very isolating).

For someone who invests her time, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I deserve someone who’s more into me, than me chasing them.

Especially if they can throw away a friendship for a relationship as their constant in life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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