My oxycodone addiction took a huge chunk of my life and turned it into something unrecognizable for me. This is a fact I’m well aware of, and I speak freely about it.
It’s been over five years since I have had a pill. I have had episodes where I thought about them, but not for any length of time. However, today I am actively keeping myself away from my phone. I feel like today would be the day I would make a really bad decision.
I know why I want a pill. I’m sad. Having a pill won’t make me happy, but it will make me numb to the sadness. It worked for fifteen years after the death of my daughter, and I am just as positive it would work in the very same fashion today. I have no doubt about the healing power of the oxycodone.
That’s the really difficult part of choosing to stay clean. You know that it would feel so much better than the way you feel right now. It would feel like my step was lighter, my path was brighter, and I had a fuzzy sweater wrapped around my emotions, protecting them from their own tenderness.
There is one reason that I am not making the call. I don’t want to have to eat my own words. I have committed myself to sobriety by speaking so freely about my addiction. I can’t take it back now; I’ve told too many people that I never would.
But, today…today is a test of that commitment.
I have a plan. I’m going to walk Puffin until she wants me to carry her fat ass, and then I’m going to take a long shower. That’s as far as my plan goes, but I know that I can come up with a new plan if the need should arise. I can do today in single step increments for as long as it takes until the day is done.
I’m going to make it. I know that, but I just want the terrible ache to go away. I want to go back to feeling like I have a grip on things. I want to be stronger than feeling like an addict.
I’m going to walk my dog. I hope that if anyone else is feeling this way, you also have a dog to walk. Or a cat to walk, if you so prefer. After the walk, we’ll come up with another plan. One conscious decision at a time to never go back to the addiction.
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This post was previously published on Ask A Bitchface.
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