Dear Parent,
Welcome back to school! Well, not yet. For undisclosed reasons, we’ve delayed the start of school for a couple of weeks. Yup, no reason. We just felt like it. We are calling this plan Delta. So, there’s still time to get your child ready for school!
Anyway, those are the only vaccinations that we are going to pretend you need because no one sends us hate mail about those. The “other” vaccination, well, we’ve decided to pretend that it’s not a school issue. But sure, get those the mono shots. We care desperately about this because Mono could force us to shut down the school for like a day or something. Who knows? Smooch Smooch.
Next, we need to talk about masks in our school. As you know, this is a very controversial subject. We’ve decided to require all students to wear masks. As a result of this decision, we’ve also decided to require that no students wear a mask. Finally, make sure you student attends their first day of school with or without a mask. Whatever. Good luck figuring all that out.
Taco Tuesdays will be on Wednesdays.
There will be many exciting opportunities in the upcoming school year for both parents and students. Those that are bald will be well (fun pun incoming!) ahead in the hair-pulling department. Our first school board meeting will be held next week to discuss how this year will work. This will give everyone with a cell phone an opportunity to go viral as the nut jobs come out to scream about 5G and microchip tracking. Talk to Mrs. Sampson on the yearbook committee to coordinate your social media campaign with the hashtag #AreWeReallyListeningToThis?
Also, the archery team will be preparing for the Apocalypse Quarter Finals that will probably be held in December depending on which conspiracy theory is next. Wear your school colors and show school spirit as you fight for that last roll of TP because we are never getting out of lockdown.
And we want to give a special shout-out to the PTA this year for their great work on the medical bill fundraisers. Great job PTA! If you would like to donate there is still time because of Mono. Yup. Mono is a huge problem.
One of the things we do want to address this year is that there is an online school option for our students. Last year went so well that we decided to do it again. Keep in mind that all students that will be completing another year at home must wear their masks at all time. If the school board meeting taught us anything it’s that 5G is very contagious. Way more contagious than Mono or whatever Tdap covers. Honestly, we think that last one might be made up.
We would also like to offer some mental health support to our parent helpers this year. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, just keep in mind that you are basically all alone and you should find yourself a safety corner to cry quietly in. Please don’t distract your student from their math class that we may or may not have this year. We are unsure because of the massive amounts of teacher retirements as they were tired of dealing with this crap. Who knew that being a social media influencer paid more than teaching and was less toxic? But that’s not the fault of some parents.
Bahahaha. Sorry, we tried to keep a straight face there, but we just couldn’t. Anyway, please follow Mrs. Sampson on TikTok.
We want to remind our parents that this school year may look a little different. We plan to have a full in-person schedule for the first month or so. Then we are going to panic and tell you we are going hybrid, but really we are just going back to all virtual. We find that a lot of nervous breakdowns are avoided if we give you false hope.
Finally, we need to make a quick correction. There is no vaccine for Mono. That was a misspelling on our part. But still, your child will require the Mono vaccine before they are allowed to come back to school. All vaccinations are important except for the one we don’t want to talk about.
Let’s all prepare for a great school year! Or school month. Whatever. We’re going to wing it and hope for the best because some of you are wackadoodles that are making the rest of us suffer.
Sincerely,
The Janitor because the principal quit.
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