UNMET EXPECTATIONS
How many of you ask your first date direct questions? Think about it. Have you asked your partner what their definition of cheating is? Did you find out what kissing means to them before you agreed to kiss them? I bet you didn’t even ask what love is. Now you’re married. You’re living together. Apparently, you’re just discovering your deal breaker. You know the one. The one you told all your friends was a no go. The catch? You’re married with a child.
Sound like you?
This situation is very common. Most work off assumptions. Some don’t want to upset the status quo. Others don’t want to lose a good thing. It’s hard to find a committed person. I’ll admit it.
I had a girl friend who broke up with me 4 times. Each time she tried to reconcile my good nature with a nature she hated. My views on intimacy were at odds with what she found acceptable in a committed relationship. I was clear about my views. She wanted to change it. She would come back. I would let her in. She would insist I change after a while. I would refuse.
Talk about back and forth.
We had to arrive at the understanding we just see the world different. Nothing bad. We’re just different. Only then could we see eye to eye.
Despite a successful man or beautiful woman’s ability to solicit attention it is rare for them to hold attention.
Once we discover a person whose attention, we hold…we don’t want to lose it.
This fear. This anxiety. This reluctance. It makes us quiet. Afterall…who wants to mess up a good thing?
Maybe it’s not a right thing. Maybe you have the wrong thing. A good thing can be a wrong thing.
POOR COMMUNICATION
At the heart of our problems is refusal. Most refuse to have uncomfortable conversations. Uncomfortable doesn’t mean dangerous. Uncomfortable means growth. This growth is scary because it doesn’t feel good.
This makes people unsure of their outcome. The outcome could be good or bad. This uncertainty is what you feel before you stand on stage. It’s also the feeling you have before your first sports game.
There is no danger for the outcome you don’t want. It’s just an outcome which makes you feel some type of way.
On the other side of things which scare us are the best things.
AVOIDING THE EXPECTATION TALK DESTROYS YOUR HAPPINESS
This feeling dominates many. As a result, many don’t clearly communicate their expectations. This sets everyone up for disappointment. These unmet expectations create conflict. The reason for them isn’t your husband or wife.
The reason for them is you. You never talked about them.
I’m not immune. I married my first wife and never asked her what her definition of cheating was. She didn’t either. We both just assumed we both had each other’s definitions. When we didn’t agree on what cheating was we became upset, frustrated, and hurt each other.
All we had to do was talk about what it was. Mine was simply sex. Don’t sleep with anyone and it’s fine. That’s how I was raised. It was simple. Cheating was only adultery. Anything else and everything else was a go.
That is not everyone’s definition. That was not her definition.
That is not my current definition, but it once was.
DRILLING DOWN TO THE MESSAGE NOT THE WORDS
The point is not to argue for or against my view on what cheating is. The point is two people overlooked a bedrock foundation for a lifelong commitment.
We never talked about what cheating was.
I left and asked her for a divorce. She filed hurt I blind sided her. I left hurt she changed on me nine and a half years later. The result was a lot of heart ache. A lot of pain between eachother. A completely sad and immature turn of events.
The relationship should have never happened. We both had completely different views. In this example it was one fundamental view. Many were not discussed. I won’t get into all of them. All our views aren’t the point. The point is an assumption was a self-sabotage for untold hurt nine and a half years later. A completely avoidable end. If we would have held one conversation about it all the hurt could have been avoided. That’s the point.
I am right in my definition. She is right in her definition. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about compatibility. Our definitions were completely incompatible.
SELF CENTEREDNESS
Many are doing this. They are becoming upset their partner doesn’t see the world the same. There is an irreconcilable difference one (or both) can’t tolerate. The results are years wasted, broken hearts and a fragmented family.
The issue? It was never the offending party’s fault. It was the fault of the person who remained silent. They stayed quiet. Had they said the conflict on date one, both would have discovered their incompatibility.
A person’s insistence the world must see it from their point stems from presumptions and assumptions. These presumptions are people see the world as they do and their assumption they will agree is fueled by ego. Ego really is the enemy.
There’s a saying. I like it a lot. It tells you what this form of ego gets you.
“Assuming makes an Ass Out of You And Me (Ass-u-me). So don’t assume.”
That’s the price of ego.
HEALTHY DIALOGUE WITH HEALTHY GROWTH
A healthy relationship begins with discussion. We are each different. We must understand all don’t see the world the same. There is no place for shaming. Everyone has a choice. This choice is a right in free society.
We choose who we want and who we need. Who we need is often not who we want. Somewhere in the middle people get lost. It’s our job to help everyone find themselves. Going for what we want makes us lose site of what we need. We need to go back to what everyone needs.
What everyone needs is different. Everyone needs a person to accept them as they are. What everyone does not need is your views. An honest person willing to clearly articulate their expectations, to a listener who communicates back their expectations, is what people need.
WHAT PATH WILL YOU WALK?
IF we all walked this path…I imagine divorce would nearly vanish. The issue at hand is rejection. Most are terrified. You must remember most will reject you. Your true self will not be accepted by many. I don’t want this to destroy your self-esteem. I want it to boost your self-esteem.
Remember! You’re not supposed to marry everyone. You’re supposed to marry one person. Don’t marry the wrong person because you’re afraid of rejection. Rejection is the path to happiness, a lifelong commitment and a person who truly loves you. This person will love you for who you really are. Read the article again. Master the concepts in this article and see results. That’s why I wrote this article. I’m rooting for you.
To your knowledge success!
*
Resources:
1) J Pers Soc Psychol. 2010 Jul; 99(1): 78–106. “Creating Good Relationships: Responsiveness, Relationship Quality, and Interpersonal Goals”. Canevello Amy, Crocker Jennifer
2) Int J Enviorn Res Public Health. 2019 Jul; 16(13): 2415. Published online 2019 July 7. “Well-Being and Romantic Relationships; A Systematic Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood.” Gomez-Lopez Mercedes, Viejo Carmen, Ortega-Ruiz Rosario.
3) Philosophy & Public Affairs / Volume 26, Issue 3 p. 189–209. “Relationships and Responsibilities”. 15 June 2006. Scheffler Samuel.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock.com