I’m Tired of Being Above Average

When my grades came back from my first semester of law school, they could have been a lot worse. They weren’t bad, but they weren’t at the top of my class. I simply beat the curve, and I was above average in all of my classes. It was all A-’s and B+’s, but no A’s.

I a lot of people would be thrilled to have A-’s and B+’s in law school, but a reverberating thought crossed my mind the past month or so: I’m tired of being above average.

At work, I’m not the best at what I do. I’m above average. It’s somewhat difficult to explain, but it’s my first year at my new job, and sometimes I obsess over performance metrics that reflect well on myself and my school. As a runner, I’m also just above average as a recreational runner. I’m nowhere near making the Olympics, nor do I project myself to be anywhere near making the Olympics in the near future.

Look: there are a lot more important things than performance. I know this and have preached it in the past, that the most important things in life are relationships and how you treat people. Kindness, to me, is the most important thing for interpersonal relationships and I beat myself up when I fall short of my standards and when I don’t do the right thing.

However, I cannot deny there’s a part of me, whether it’s my upbringing, innate personality, or a combination of both that is incredibly ambitious and performance centered.

There is always a part of me that is not thrilled when I’m not the best. There is a part of me that always wants to win. There’s a part of me that’s competitive about everything I do, whether it’s something as serious as law school grades or as trivial as playing chess with someone I just met. There is a part of me that thinks like an animalistic monster, who is only concerned with results, results, results.

No one starts out as above average as a beginner. If they do, then, well, all the power to them. I feel like doing this kind of thinking, is setting me back in some ways. I thought I was past being a young upstart, overachieving, ambitious person who is willing to do whatever it takes to become the best. I have always acknowledged I am a very competitive person, however, I wanted to be somewhat transcendent of my more primal tendencies.

There are more important things, and a lot of times, in my line of work in education, as a law student, person, and Christian, there are countless moments a day where I can do what’s best for myself or what the right thing to do is. I like to believe I choose the latter more often than not, but part of that decision-making is also influenced by how I want to think of myself.

Of course I want to think of myself as a good person. Of course I want to think of myself as someone with a high sense of morality and righteousness. And, of course, I want to uphold a reputation where other people think of me as the kind of person who’s willing to do the right thing and make sacrifices for the people around me.

The right thing to say is there’s nothing wrong with being above average. There’s nothing wrong with being average, below average, or just not being good at something. Not everyone can be super skilled at everything, and it doesn’t take a licensed therapist to tell you a hyperfocus on performance isn’t the healthiest thing in the world.

Culturally, I think any Asian person can tell you they’re engrained with the message that it’s pointless to engage in any activity, hobby, or pursuit unless you’re the best. That traditionally cultural message is one of the foundations of parenting in Amy Chua’s controversial The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. A traditionally Asian parent will have to reform their ways substantially to say “I just want you to be happy” or “I’m proud of you” to their kids. Performance compared to peers is a source of pride, image, and reputation. When I was young, I heeded the message very early on that a B+ or an A- in a class is not passing — only an A or an A+ is passing.

Let it be known I have been very vocal about my disagreement and borderline disdain for this messaging and style of parenting. It’s the last way I want to raise my kids.

But I can’t deny that even though that mindset of wanting to be the best and having a hyperfocus on performance has, in the present and in the past, brought out levels of performance and discipline that I never expected from myself. That innate hunger to perform, be the best, and not be average at everything I do has drawn the admiration of bosses, supervisors, and friends alike. It’s led to a certain self-awareness and confidence that, yeah, things seem a bit overwhelming now in my capacity to perform and get things done, but I almost always work it out and everything will be alright in some way.

Again, I’m not aware how much of this tendency towards overperformance is a product of upbringing or an innate, subconscious hunger I would have had regardless of my cultural upbringing. I feel like the strict messaging of my Asian upbringing only fed into and brought out aspects of myself that have always been a part of me.

Sometimes, people tell me it’s not fun to play video games, cards, or board games with me. I’m too competitive. I can’t be casual about it. Even though the next move in chess is not a life or death situation, I treat it sometimes like a life or death situation. Even in recreational volleyball, I’ll dive, scrape up my knees, and put my whole body on the line if there’s even a chance I can hit the ball before it falls on the ground. In basketball, if I can dive, hustle, and save the ball before it goes out of bounds, I will, even if it means injuring myself.

I like to deny this part of myself and pretend, I’m a kind, chill, kumbaya person who’s alright with whatever outcome. And I know that especially among my peer groups of men (many of whom were also competitive runners), there are a lot of very intense, competitive people who obsess over performances and results.

I’m not saying this id-like subconscious always win. As I’ve gotten older and matured, I can take a step back from the hyperfocus and realize what’s actually important. I’ve had spiritual epiphanies that the world is not going to end if I don’t perform how I want or if I don’t get an A.

But will I be happier if I run a 5k in under 15 minutes and get all straight A’s in law school for the next three years? Absolutely. I think a year or two ago, feeling like that would have made me feel like I was an awful person, but who doesn’t find some satisfaction in getting better grades, performing better in sports, finding a better job, or making more money?

There’s a time when the obsession with performance stops. It comes at 3 p.m. when the school day ends at work. It comes at the end of the semester when you stop studying and simply focus on your break. It comes after the run ends when all that matters is recovering and focusing on the next one.

When it’s over, it’s over.

I will finally say what I think and feel but am too reluctant to say out loud: I’m tired of being above average. I’m realizing there’s a middle ground: there’s nothing wrong with wanting good results and to perform well, as long as you can take a step back, zoom out, and focus on the more important things once all is said and done.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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