Dr. Steve explores how relationship building through empowered communication is a corner stone to personal growth.
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Studying communication as an actor, director, academic, and as an individual in relationship with men and women, has been a life-long journey of eye-opening realizations and profound appreciation of the struggles we all face; especially when engaging with someone we love over an emotionally laden topic. Such moments can bring out the worst in us and we may say things that we later regret.
If communicating is, according to the Oxford dictionary, succeeding in conveying information or evoking understanding, how difficult can that be? Just put a bunch of words in the correct order – right?
Apparently, it is not so simple. Many factors may get in the way of effective communication including, age, sex, culture and socio-economic status. And that’s assuming two people like each other and have each other’s best interest at heart.
At a fundamental level, empowered communication flows from love.
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Empowered communication is for everyone, and the strategies contained herein have been identified within the fields of psychology, communications theory, and philosophy. These theories and practical applications are not new. Unfortunately, even though these concepts have been around for some time, most people, if they have heard of them, have difficulty implementing these processes.
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Empowered Communication
Empowered communication is the process whereby participants in any engagement feel heard, respected, and understood. Even more than that, they feel cared for. The relationship is strengthened due to a deeper understanding and appreciation of the other person leading to a more intimate experience.
At a fundamental level, empowered communication flows from love. If we are talking about communication between intimate partners, somewhere inside you is love for the other. You may not be in touch with it in the moment, but it is there.
If you are a talker, letting the other person have their say is critical. Remember, it is a dialogue, not a monologue
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If it is communication with someone other than your intimate partner, that source of love is still available. It is appreciating the divine spark in all people. If I know that you are, at your core, like me and we are tied together sharing this world, most of us want less pain and more happiness, making working together for mutual benefit the optimal solution.
Empowered Communication contains common directives found in books and training on effective communication. These include:
- Talking
- Active Listening
- Body Language
- Metatalk
And what is not typically included,
- Love
Talking
Are you able to talk? Some people find this challenging. They may be shy, or get tongue-tied when talking about important things, or feel uncomfortable with people of the opposite sex.
Some of us are talkers. Our problem is letting the other person have some air-time. Obviously, if you are a talker, letting the other person have their say is critical. Remember, it is a dialogue, not a monologue.
Whether a talker or not, when having an important conversation remember to be:
- On topic
- Respectful
- Non-controlling
- Free of absolutist statements
- Open to explore both sides of the conversation
- Mindful of how you express your emotions
- Willing to invite the other person to talk if they are not
Active Listening
I like to call active listening Deep Listening™. Deep Listening is an intense focused giving of attention and listening while actively processing information to understand content, emotion, and direction (where the person wants to go with the conversation – what they need). Deep Listening includes the following elements:
- Confirming what you think you heard is what the other said. This can be accomplished by paraphrasing.
- Differentiating between “emotional” content and “message” content. Emotional content is what the other person is feeling. Message content is the meaning of what is said.
- Encouraging the speaker by supporting them to share their thoughts and feelings and by keeping your attention on what they are saying.
Body Language
Body language is an obvious but easily overlooked adjunct to Empowered Communication. Your body speaks. If you have your arms crossed, a scowl on your face and eyes darting to the computer, do you think this conveys positive energy and encouragement to the speaker? I think not.
Metatalk
Metatalk is making statements about how the conversation is going. For example, “Boy, we sure get plugged in when we talk about this topic.” This might sound like stating the obvious but sometimes the obvious needs to be acknowledged. It indicates that not only are you listening, but hearing at a deep level, or at least being able to identify the dynamic between the two of you.
Love
Love is the glue that binds all the above elements. But what is love? For this, I defer to the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongdoing.
It does not delight in evil,
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limits to its faith, hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever:
Faith, hope and love;
But the greatest of them all is love.
Love is the binding agent for Empowered Communication. Before, during and after a difficult conversation, I try and remind myself of what is most important in this engagement. It is not winning the argument, it is not getting my own way, and it is not making the other feel guilty, sad or bad for thinking differently than myself.
It is about connecting, learning, and growing as a person. That is the opportunity available with every communication with the person we love. The process of an Empowered Communication acts both as a guide (what to do) and a mediator between our ego and our love for the other person. It reminds us of what is important when in the throes of difficult and painful conversations.
When we are able to come from an Empowered Communication stance, not only are we a more effective communicator, we also benefit from the fruits of our labor in other ways. With Empowered Communication an environment of trust and safety is created. The receiver of your efforts feels empowered in his or her relationship with you, and will want to return the favor. You and your partner will now be riding an upward spiral of love and caring, thereby creating an environment of mutual empowerment.
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Photo: Flickr/tommy japan