In Case You’ve Never Had Your Heart Broken

Heartbreak is an inevitable part of life.

It sucks, but for most relationships, it’s the unfortunate end.

I’ve had my heart broken twice in my life, both by long term boyfriends. And the thing is, in both of these relationships, I held on for way too long.

In reality, I should have walked away from both of these guys after the first four months, but I ended up sticking around for over a year in both cases because I “loved” them. When you’re 18 and 21, and the words “but I love him” are engrained into your every thought, leaving someone becomes difficult.

So, in both cases, I stayed until either they broke up with me or my mental health was so shot that I had no other choice if I wanted to live a normal life.

Now, nearly a year later, I don’t regret either relationship because I think they taught me valuable lessons. And, to be honest, even though my last relationship was my version of hell most of the time, I don’t think I would have actually learned any of these lessons without it.

So, if you’re my ex and you’re reading this, thank you for making my life terrible — it helped me grow.

“Some people come into your life as a blessing. Others come in your life as lessons.” – Mother Theresa

Every person comes into your life to stay or to teach you something. Sometimes, when we don’t learn the lesson the first time, we’ll end up repeating the same pattern in new relationships until we’re ready to truly heal from within.

I know I wasn’t ready until recently, and it took a failed talking stage (yes — I hate them too) to wake me up and say, “Hey, maybe I should just focus on myself.”

That’s exactly what I’m doing now, but trust me, it took me a long time to get here.

But how did I get here? I had to learn a few lessons first.

1. Slow the F down

As I mentioned before, both of my long term relationships should have, realistically, been over after the first four months because I didn’t really know who I was dating until then.

It turns out I was dating a bunch of cheaters.

But I stayed both times. Why?

“Because I loved him”

Ugh, eye roll.

In the first few months of any relationship, everyone is putting on a mask. Some people are better at wearing their masks than others. They’ll shower you in affection, send you long texts about how much they care about you, constantly call you, etcetera. It isn’t until around three months in that true colours start to show, and sometimes, they’re the exact opposite of who you thought.

Take your time to get to know someone new, even if you guys end up just “dating” for five, six months beforehand. It’s better to know who someone is before diving into a full-on relationship because, oftentimes, we fall in love with the idea of a person — not the person themselves.

Get to know them, and I mean really get to know them. Why waste your energy on someone that you’re not even sure about?

2. Never depend on someone else for your happiness

This was probably the hardest lesson I had to learn.

Growing up, I was a hopeless romantic. I would gawk at movies like The Notebook, crying about how I wanted a love like Noah and Aly’s and I’d feel so incomplete.

But the issue wasn’t that I needed someone else to fill that void; I needed to learn how to fill that void for myself.

When you depend on other people to make you happy, a lot of the time, you’ll end up disappointed. No one will ever be there for you as much as you can be there for yourself. You can’t control the way others react to you and your life — the only thing you can control is how you react.

3. Give yourself time to heal, don’t rush it

I’m that girl that always tries to rush through the healing process. I’ll let myself cry for a couple of days, mope around, and then I’ll think, “Hey, you know what might help? Talking to a cute boy.”

I say I’m doing it for an ego boost and that I won’t get attached, but I always do.

Hopeless romantic, remember?

But, when I don’t give myself the time alone to focus on me and my growth, one of two things happens. I either end up breaking the new guy’s heart because I was, essentially, just using him. Or I’m the one that ends up feeling used, and then I’m trying to heal from two heartbreaks.

Both have happened, and both are equally as terrible.

Don’t ever rush the healing process. Take a few months, maybe even a few years, to solely focus on yourself and your personal growth. Create goals for yourself, hustle and start that new career path, write that book that you’ve always wanted to, start working out and nourishing your body.

When you’re single, it’s the time to focus solely on yourself. You don’t have to worry about what someone else will do or say — all your focus is on you. Give yourself that time.

When the time is right, and you’re happy on your own, the right person will find you.

4. Listen to the people closest to you

Have you ever introduced a guy to your friends, and they collectively shook their heads and said, “nope.”

I know I have.

Every single one of my friends hated my first boyfriend. They thought he was narcissistic, loud-mouthed and arrogant — which I now realize is all true. But at the time, I shrugged it off, thinking, “they don’t know him the way I do.”

You know, because “I loved him.”

But now, I wish I would have listened to them. Unless you’re surrounded by people that want you to fail, your friends and family are the people that know you best and only want good things for you. Sometimes, they know you even better than you know yourself.

When we start dating someone, we can become so infatuated that we pass over all the negatives. We become laser-focused on all the positives, the attention, and the overall idea of this person that the negatives don’t seem too important, no matter how bad they are.

Don’t brush off your best friend for saying, “he shouldn’t talk to you that way,” when you know that deep down, he probably shouldn’t be. They can usually see things that we can’t.

Always place your opinion first, but keep the thoughts of loved ones in mind. They’re usually right.

5. Know your worth

If you take away anything from this list, this is it.

Know your worth.

Let me say that again.

KNOW YOUR WORTH.

Is the guy you’re seeing “too busy” to see you? Walk away.

Do they “really like you,” but they’re just “not ready” for anything serious? Walk away.

Are they always preoccupied with something else when you’re together? Walk away.

So many young women today are taught to settle for less than they deserve. We’re told that we shouldn’t be too clingy, that we need to have sex with a man for them to like us, and we need to be emotionless for men to want us.

The list could go on.

As a woman in today’s society, you need to know that you ARE worth everything you’ve dreamt of. You need to have STANDARDS, items on your checklist that aren’t negotiable. If a man doesn’t measure up to those, then he isn’t the one for you.

Work on yourself, be kind to yourself and love who you are every single day. Know that you are worth more than what that high school dropout, who is too preoccupied with his video games to call you, could ever give you.

Remember, there’s a difference between someone who will see you in their free time and someone who frees up their time to see you. You ARE a priority — don’t let someone ever make you feel less than that.

—

This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

***