By Understood
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Tantrums and meltdowns can look very similar, especially when a child is in the middle of having one. In this episode, hosts Amanda Morin and Bob Cunningham break down the differences and hear directly from kids who share what meltdowns feel like to them. Then hear from mom Amanda LaFond about recognizing — and managing — her son’s meltdowns.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
0:00
[Music]
0:04
hi i’m amanda morin a writer and
0:06
in-house expert for understood.org and a
0:08
parent to kids who learn differently and
0:10
i’m bob cunningham i’m a career educator
0:13
and a parent and i’m the executive
0:14
director for learning development at
0:16
understood
0:17
and we are in it
0:19
in it’s a podcast from understood on
0:21
this show we talk to parents caregivers
0:23
and sometimes kids we offer support and
0:26
advice for families whose kids are
0:27
struggling with reading math focus and
0:29
other learning and thinking differences
0:31
and today we’re talking about meltdowns
0:36
what they can tell us about our kids and
0:38
what our kids might be trying to tell us
0:45
bob why are we talking about meltdowns
0:47
today we’re talking about them because
0:49
they’re scary and they can be
0:50
challenging to handle
0:52
and we hear a lot about them from
0:54
teachers and kids and parents like this
0:56
mom
0:57
my name is vanessa and i have a
0:59
four-year-old who started pre-k this
1:01
year and every day that he’s come home
1:03
from school he’s had a complete meltdown
1:06
um it kind of feels like a tornado hits
1:08
our house the moment we walk in and
1:11
there’s no stopping it and we try to do
1:13
a couple of things to calm down you know
1:15
hit all the favorites movies snacks but
1:19
it doesn’t seem to get him to calm down
1:21
and
1:22
it’s very new and i’m feeling a little
1:24
lost in
1:25
what to do and
1:26
how to get them to calm down
1:29
so here’s the thing about meltdowns they
1:31
happen for a reason a kid having a
1:33
meltdown is not just kicking and
1:35
screaming for the fun of it no they’re
1:37
not they’re not just kicking scream for
1:38
the fun of it because it’s not fun for
1:40
anybody and so what we want to do today
1:43
is help you figure out what that reason
1:46
is why are those meltdowns happening we
1:48
need to learn how to listen to them and
1:50
to recognize what our kids are trying to
1:52
tell us when they’re having a meltdown
1:54
which is really easy to say but not as
1:55
easy to do right because when you have a
1:57
kid who’s in the middle of a meltdown
2:00
you don’t always know what to do there
2:01
are things you can do to help prevent
2:03
them from happening there are things you
2:05
can do when they are happening and
2:06
there’s a lot you can do after they
2:08
happen so that’s why we’re here
2:10
[Music]
2:18
so what exactly is a meltdown
2:20
i think nuclear when i hear that word
2:22
you know nuclear meltdown it’s when
2:24
everything just kind of falls apart
2:26
amanda lafond knows a lot about
2:29
meltdowns her son brian has been having
2:31
them since he was really little and
2:33
later in the episode we’ll hear from her
2:35
about what that was like and what’s
2:36
helped to make it better
2:38
but first bob how does a parent know
2:40
when they’re dealing with a meltdown
2:42
versus a tantrum
2:43
well it can be confusing the two look
2:45
very similar a lot of times
2:47
for me a tantrum
2:49
is something that a child does to try to
2:52
get his or her own way they’re trying to
2:54
tell you what they want and they’re
2:56
exhibiting this extreme behavior because
2:59
they want you to give in to whatever it
3:01
is they want the kid who’s watching your
3:04
reaction and they’re adjusting their
3:06
behavior to your reaction that’s more of
3:09
a tantrum situation yes that sort of
3:11
conscious control over their behavior
3:13
and their actions tells me it’s a
3:15
tantrum okay and so how does that differ
3:18
in your mind from a meltdown
3:20
so a meltdown is a complete overload the
3:23
the child basically loses control and
3:26
they’re all about the meltdown at that
3:28
time and if you try to intervene it
3:31
probably won’t work at the moment they
3:34
can’t pull themselves out of it it’s one
3:36
of the huge differences between a
3:38
meltdown and a tantrum a meltdown is
3:40
something that kind of almost needs to
3:42
occur in order for a child to reset a
3:44
tantrum only needs to occur until the
3:47
kid gets his way
3:49
so we were actually curious to find out
3:50
what those meltdowns feel like from the
3:52
inside and and here’s what some kids
3:54
shared with us
3:56
kind of what meltdowns feel like to me
3:59
is like
4:00
i’m completely breaking down
4:03
jumping all over the place crying and
4:05
i’m like
4:07
really mad and like sad just like really
4:11
out of control
4:13
it just happens because my body and my
4:16
mind are not agreeing
4:19
it makes you breathe hard like
4:26
my body gets furious energy so i get
4:30
really mad and i want a punch my heart
4:33
beats faster and my blood goes faster to
4:37
help my body my body gets hot
4:41
so that last one is from amanda lafon’s
4:43
son brian who recently turned nine
4:46
and amanda i know you had a chance to
4:48
talk to amanda lafond about brian
4:50
i i did and here’s what she told me
4:53
can you tell me a little bit about brian
4:55
who he is what he loves to do
4:58
um he’s super smart he’s so so smart
5:02
it’s kind of scary
5:03
um he loves to read i’m always having to
5:08
get him more and more books um he loves
5:11
legos we have 14 drawers of legos
5:14
organized by color
5:17
from an early age amanda and her husband
5:19
saw that brian was extremely bright but
5:21
they also began to see some difficult
5:23
behaviors inflexibility aggression
5:26
and then there were his tantrums amanda
5:29
says they didn’t look like the tantrums
5:30
other kids his age had
5:32
when another child is tantruming they’re
5:34
not consumed by it and you can see
5:37
that he just
5:39
is completely consumed and and what does
5:41
that look like for brian
5:43
um distraught he would kind of claw at
5:46
his face sometimes
5:48
and then running around in circles when
5:51
he was very little hitting a lot when he
5:53
was little oh my gosh the hitting it was
5:56
really bad for a while
5:58
um tears pouring down his cheeks so his
6:01
cheek could just get so red just look
6:03
like two little
6:05
fire engine red cheeks and
6:07
inconsolable
6:09
bob i do think it’s worth noting that
6:11
what brian’s meltdowns look like aren’t
6:13
the only way that meltdowns can look
6:15
some kids get really loud and aggressive
6:17
but other kids have something that i
6:18
call almost a shutdown
6:20
these are the kids who get really quiet
6:22
maybe crawl under a table and are
6:23
completely unresponsive when you talk to
6:25
them have you seen meltdowns like that
6:27
yeah i sure have and it’s you know it
6:29
still is a meltdown because the child
6:32
who’s under the table and completely
6:33
unresponsive is really
6:36
trying to manage that sort of full mind
6:39
and body experience they’re just
6:41
managing it in a different way
6:43
getting back to our story amanda and her
6:45
husband worried that something was wrong
6:47
with brian and wanted to have him
6:49
evaluated but they were told that brian
6:51
was too young to be diagnosed with a
6:53
disability
6:54
they did start working with a child
6:55
psychologist and one of the things she
6:57
suggested was that they try introducing
6:59
small changes to brian’s routine to help
7:01
him learn to handle change better drive
7:04
home a different way for example and
7:06
that amanda says led to a breakthrough
7:08
for her
7:10
i guess he was five years old and one
7:12
day traffic was heavy after school when
7:14
i was picking him up and i was like well
7:16
you know i’m going to go the other way
7:18
home and see if traffic is better this
7:20
way because i really just want to get
7:21
home the quickest way i don’t even know
7:23
that i had established such a routine
7:27
with him
7:28
and i went home a different way and
7:31
he
7:32
lost it he was in his little
7:35
harness in the back seat and he just
7:38
started kicking and screaming you’re
7:40
going the wrong way
7:42
you need to turn around go back that way
7:45
that’s not the right way we can’t get
7:47
home
7:48
he was convinced that if we went a
7:50
different way we would never make it
7:53
home and the world would end
7:56
what was it about that one meltdown that
7:58
led you to think differently about what
8:00
was going on with him
8:02
i knew always there was something
8:05
different from the time he was like 12
8:07
months old 18 months old you know the
8:09
lining up stuff and inability to work
8:13
with others
8:14
things like that um the rigidity
8:17
but that particular meltdown just made
8:20
me see that
8:21
it was more for brian my mom and i i
8:25
don’t know if you remember this phrase
8:26
was really popular um a couple of years
8:29
ago that people would say he’s so extra
8:32
like that
8:34
but
8:35
my kid really is extra and he is extra
8:38
smart and he is extra sensitive and he
8:41
is extra
8:42
scared and he is extra everything and
8:45
there is no in between for him and that
8:48
meltdown helped me realize
8:50
everything is over nothing for him
8:52
[Music]
9:02
[Music]
9:07
i love that idea of extra but i also
9:10
think bob that like it’s probably extra
9:12
scary too when your kids that extra i
9:14
think it is meltdowns are hugely
9:16
challenging for parents because they
9:18
don’t understand what’s going on and
9:20
they worry that there’s something really
9:22
wrong with their child i don’t know if
9:23
i’ve ever told you this story
9:25
um when my son was very little and
9:27
started having meltdowns i was convinced
9:30
it wasn’t an emotional thing and i
9:32
actually asked the doctor to make sure
9:34
he wasn’t having seizures because i
9:36
seemed so like out of the blue and
9:38
violent and scary to me
9:41
it is hard and you in that situation did
9:43
exactly what i always recommend parents
9:45
do you went to a doctor you went to a
9:48
professional doctor saw your child
9:51
helped you figure out what really was
9:53
going on it wasn’t seizures but it was
9:55
something else and that’s sometimes the
9:57
case it can be a sign that a child has
9:59
sensory issues or adhd or autism or ocd
10:04
there are a lot of things that meltdowns
10:06
can be associated with
10:08
the problem with meltdowns though is
10:10
that you don’t always see what’s going
10:11
on if you’re not seeing what’s
10:13
triggering
10:14
your child and i think triggering is
10:15
sort of like a big word for
10:17
what’s making them feel so overwhelmed
10:20
right right and that’s the first thing
10:22
you look for right and it’s an
10:24
antecedent it’s a trigger there are a
10:26
whole bunch of great words but it’s
10:28
whatever brings on that meltdown and
10:31
it’s actually usually pretty consistent
10:34
for a kid if you can identify that
10:36
trigger then you’re halfway to figuring
10:39
out what you need to do it’s about
10:40
trying to recognize those patterns when
10:42
do they usually happen
10:43
where
10:44
what’s going on before and that kind of
10:46
thing
10:47
and here’s what amanda had to say when
10:49
she did recognize those patterns
10:52
if things aren’t going the way i know
10:54
ryan expects it
10:55
i know to be on the lookout
10:58
he thinks things should be a certain way
11:00
i know also
11:02
that he’s got sensory issues so if we’re
11:04
in a loud and crowded environment i know
11:07
to be watching him extra carefully
11:09
and amanda says it’s not only
11:11
frustration that can trigger a meltdown
11:14
well if he gets just way too happy then
11:17
it’s easier to crash it’s kind of like a
11:18
roller coaster you know like i said
11:20
there’s no even plane
11:23
and he’s on he’s either up high or or
11:25
down low emotionally and if you’re up
11:28
high you have a lot farther to fall
11:31
these days if brian is on the verge of a
11:32
meltdown amanda can usually tell his
11:35
body gets rigid he gets kind of quiet
11:37
and tense and at that point it’s often
11:39
possible to steer him back on course
11:42
i often say well what can make this
11:44
better and he will tell me a lot of
11:46
times what he needs to make it better
11:50
and if i can’t do that i’ll
11:52
ask well that’s not possible
11:55
but what if we do this
11:57
he wants to figure the problem out
12:00
if you catch that meltdown early
12:02
i have seen
12:04
kids be able to learn how to gauge their
12:07
own sort of intensity level
12:09
well i think sometimes it helps to tell
12:12
a kid this is what i see when you’re
12:14
revving up to a place where you might
12:15
melt down
12:16
i see you sort of pacing i see your face
12:18
get ready i see those kinds of things
12:21
if they recognize that you can say why
12:22
don’t you go take a walk or whatever
12:24
exactly and it’s that second part that i
12:26
think is so important right so if you’re
12:28
just recognizing that you’re going to
12:30
have a meltdown that’s only going to get
12:31
you halfway right so the second thing is
12:34
figure out what your child can do
12:36
instead
12:37
that might help prevent that meltdown a
12:40
physical response it almost has to be a
12:42
physical response kids develop their own
12:45
strategies and sometimes adults kind of
12:49
extinguish that so kids who sort of
12:51
nervously tap or they
12:53
they flap a little bit or they jump up
12:55
and down and it’s actually releasing
12:57
that anxiety for them and and where as
12:59
adults we often say like that’s a little
13:01
weird don’t do that
13:02
but what we’re doing is we’re taking
13:04
away their natural response
13:06
to reducing their own anxiety
13:09
[Music]
13:12
hi this is heidi from maryland
13:15
meltdowns when my kids started having
13:18
them
13:19
i really just thought that it was just
13:21
bad behavior and then they were just
13:23
acting up
13:24
but after several years of dealing with
13:27
three kids with adhd and sensory issues
13:30
i realized that as embarrassing and
13:32
frustrating as it is for us
13:34
for them to have a meltdown
13:36
in public
13:38
it is really painful for them because
13:41
they don’t know how to turn it off
13:43
sometimes it is a can’t instead of a
13:46
won’t it is hard to tell the difference
13:47
sometimes though
13:49
thanks bye
13:51
we would have a daily meltdown we
13:53
honestly had one this morning
13:55
that her socks don’t feel right and she
13:57
can’t get them right and we can’t get
13:58
out the door
14:00
and the issue here is she has to wear
14:02
socks and sneakers to school it’s like
14:04
their rule
14:05
and
14:06
almost every morning we’re having
14:07
nuclear meltdowns where she’s laying on
14:09
the ground and rising in
14:11
clear discomfort
14:13
because her socks never feel right
14:15
and that is symptomatic of a bigger
14:18
issue and in a general sense it’s a
14:20
sensory issue but like
14:22
it was the pattern of the meltdowns that
14:26
made me realize
14:27
a kid doesn’t melt down every day about
14:29
socks this is a bigger issue
14:30
[Music]
14:42
bob i think amanda’s really in a good
14:44
place where she’s figured out what’s
14:46
gonna happen she can catch it before
14:48
it goes nuclear
14:50
um you know but the reality is there’s
14:52
still gonna be those times when that
14:53
meltdown goes nuclear so what do you do
14:57
when a kid’s having a meltdown
14:59
i think that if you
15:01
are the kind of parent who
15:04
likes to intervene right away or you’re
15:07
the kind of parent who likes to
15:10
touch your child to help them feel
15:13
reassured and things like that when you
15:14
have a child who has a meltdown you have
15:16
to make sure that that is actually
15:19
what’s happening right so if i touch
15:22
your shoulder or if i give you a really
15:24
tight hug does that help you
15:26
or not i’ve seen a lot of parents who
15:29
are very affectionate grab hold of a
15:31
child who’s having a meltdown and the
15:33
meltdown goes from zero to ten instantly
15:35
that’s often the case not always i’ve
15:38
also seen kids who want their mom to
15:41
come and grab hold of them and give them
15:42
a hug and it helps them feel safe and
15:44
secure and they calm themselves down
15:46
that way so
15:48
again it comes back to how well do you
15:50
know your child well and i also think
15:52
it’s it’s about sort of putting your own
15:54
instincts in check sometimes because if
15:56
your instinct is to go hug your child
15:58
and they don’t want you to do that right
16:02
here’s what brian says helps him when
16:03
he’s melting down
16:05
talking out the problem in my mind helps
16:08
i change my body actions and i want
16:11
people to leave me alone
16:13
when a grown-up tells me to get over it
16:16
it makes it worse because it’s forcing
16:20
that never works i mean i don’t think it
16:22
works for anybody no if
16:24
if brian or any other kid could just get
16:26
over it they would kids don’t like to
16:29
have meltdowns right right it’s
16:30
something that they feel the
16:32
overwhelming need to do it’s not
16:34
something they do because they like it
16:36
one of the things i think parents can do
16:38
too is work really closely with teachers
16:40
because what teachers may see in the
16:42
classroom can be really helpful
16:45
for parents to know for home
16:47
so kids may be able to sort of reign it
16:49
in at school in a different way right or
16:52
vice versa right um
16:53
talk to
16:55
any other adult who
16:57
spends a lot of time with your child in
17:00
a different environment and you can all
17:02
learn from each other right this is a
17:03
situation where parents and teachers and
17:06
doctors and clinicians and everybody
17:07
else can learn together how best to help
17:10
the child and it’s the learning that’s
17:12
important because just talking to
17:14
somebody doesn’t stop the meltdown it
17:15
just gives you more information about it
17:17
and the more you explain meltdowns to
17:21
others who are with your child like
17:23
teachers um the better off everyone will
17:26
be because meltdowns aren’t a sign of
17:29
bad parenting thank
17:32
meltdowns are something that your child
17:34
needs to experience or needs to find a
17:36
way around and every adult can help your
17:40
child with that but first they have to
17:41
understand what the meltdown is they
17:43
have to understand that your child is
17:45
trying to communicate something
17:47
which is really they don’t have the
17:48
language they don’t have the tools they
17:50
don’t have the emotional maturity they
17:52
don’t have the kind of thinking capacity
17:54
at this point in their life to
17:57
to do something other than the meltdown
18:00
so as you help them build that just
18:02
helping everyone understand what’s going
18:04
on is
18:05
kind of role number one and once kids
18:08
have the tools to understand their own
18:09
meltdowns and they’ve worked really hard
18:11
and you’ve worked really hard with them
18:13
you really can move forward and
18:14
sometimes you need to reframe what that
18:16
progress in moving forward looks like
18:18
you know there’s
18:20
achievements that my kid makes that
18:22
don’t look like achievements to other
18:23
people when they rebound from a meltdown
18:26
and they don’t
18:27
have one in the rest of the day right
18:29
that’s nice
18:31
when they don’t have a meltdown in a
18:33
situation they just get angry and don’t
18:36
boss when they have a tantrum you
18:37
celebrate right
18:39
yeah and then they just say oh and they
18:41
roll their eyes you’re like yes he’s a
18:43
compressed eye rolling
18:45
[Laughter]
18:47
you’ve accomplished eye rolling that’s
18:49
right i’m not sure i’ve ever thought of
18:51
eye rolling as something that you
18:52
accomplished but in this case it really
18:54
is it’s an achievement because it’s not
18:55
a meltdown it’s just sort of a normal
18:57
kid reaction to things
18:59
and i think the one last thing i want
19:01
parents to know is if you go to a
19:03
professional and they say it’s a
19:05
behavior problem it’s a parenting
19:07
problem
19:10
[Music]
19:18
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19:27
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[Music]
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you
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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