Just as the pandemic has taken a heavy toll on moms, it has also taken a heavy toll on dads. While there have been important differences — with women more likely to lose jobs, for example — one area of similarity is skyrocketing stress levels. The American Psychological Association ran the numbers at my request, and found no “statistically significant difference” between mothers and fathers.
I know what it’s like to face heavy stress. Years ago I experienced anxiety and didn’t know what it was! I called my doctor to discuss how I was feeling, and he explained. That was eye opening. Afterward, I became more focused than ever on creating work-life balance. (For the record, I believe balance and integration are two distinct and important goals.)
In my work interviewing fathers — for my book All In, and many articles since — I consistently find men wrestling with these issues. As a meta-analysis of 250,000 people found, “men often do not feel comfortable discussing work-family concerns because of fears of being stigmatized, threats to their masculinity or negative career repercussions.” Lead researcher Kristen Shockley explained, “I do think it’s harming men, who are silently struggling and are experiencing the same amount of work-family conflict, but no one is acknowledging it.”
When dads build greater mental health, their families benefit as well in numerous ways. Not only are they able to be more mentally present, but their turn toward greater work-life balance results in more balance in who takes care of what responsibilities at home. New research released in time for Father’s Day shows just how powerful an effect this can have.
Holistic care and household work
Men who engage in a regular holistic care regimen — who take care of their physical and mental health and maintain supportive friendships — are more likely to report sharing household work equally with their spouses and partners, according to a new survey commissioned by Dove Men+Care with Promundo-US. (I have a partnership with Dove Men+Care.)
Among the findings:
Men who report feeling balance in their lives are nearly twice as likely to report doing household work equally.
Men who prioritize spending time in nature are 55% more likely to spend time in the care of others and 91% more likely to report sharing household tasks more equally.
58% of men who meditate everyday and 68% of men who make yoga a consistent part of their routine report sharing household work equally as well.
Unfortunately, policies and stigmas in many workplaces still penalize men as caregivers, holding them back from being as present and active in their caregiving roles as they want to be. Previous research from Dove Men+Care and Promundo-US has found that financial worries and attitudes among colleagues and managers prevent men from being able to take paternity leave, for example.
But when men do take caregiving leave and/or get flexible schedules for caregiving, the number of women in the workforce goes back up. Far too many women have had to drop out of the workforce because so much of the caregiving at home fell to them.
Setting an example
As many parents know, children are more shaped by what they see us do than by what we tell them to do. So it’s little surprise that when boys and girls grow up seeing mom and dad balance the responsibilities of work and home, they’re more likely to do the same as adults. After all, they’ve seen it work and know how to make it happen.
The responsibility on us to set the right example also applies to self-care. Watching out for your own physical and mental health is an important part of life. When squeezed by the responsibilities of work and home, the first thing many parents give up on is ourselves. We deserve better. And our kids should learn that becoming a parent does not have to mean giving up on our own wellness.
In the year ahead, let’s help lift up dads as equal caregivers. And let’s make sure that everyone — our partners, children, and ourselves — reap the benefits.
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Photo: iStock
