What’s the first thing you think of when you read the words ‘arranged marriage’?
A poor clueless couple forced into wedlock by their ultra-conservative parents? Heart-breaking stories of how the couple never even got to meet before the D-day? Don’t you cringe when you think of what their first night together might be like?
These stories you’ve heard paint arranged marriages in an unromantic, almost repulsive light. Bollywood glorified love marriages to the extent of making anyone who had an arranged marriage feel like a loser. And of late, TV shows such as Netflix’s Indian Matchmaking have made arranged marriages draw worldwide flak.
But the reality is not always portrayed accurately, because it is unglamorous.
In today’s India, arranged marriages are the equivalent of parent-approved dating, and matrimonial sites are like Tinder or Bumble with a disclaimer — end goal: holy matrimony.
. . .
How Does the Modern Arranged Marriage Process Work?
In the pre-internet era matches were arranged through the word of mouth — common acquaintances, relatives, and friends of the bride and groom’s families. Nowadays, matrimonial sites reign supreme.
You create a profile with your best photos, best intros, and select parameters you’re looking for in your life partner. You then buy a membership plan and you’re off to the races.
Either the parents or in many cases the bride/groom themselves check out the prospective profiles and express interests, kinda like swiping right. If it’s an ok from both sides, the two chat, talk, meet — sometimes with their parents in tow, sometimes by themselves.
Sometimes it takes just a few meetings for the couple to decide to tie the knot, often the courtship can go on for a few months. Either way, in a couple of months you have closure — either a yes or no. And yes, the girl and the guy get to make the final decision.
Here’s how my sister’s arranged love marriage went down.
Tara and her now-husband (Rahul) were members of a popular matrimonial site. He expressed an interest in her and then she, my parents, my hubby, and I checked out the profile and decided it was a good match. We accepted the interest and the very next day he called up my dad and asked if he could talk to my sister directly. My dad obliged and Rahul and Tara spoke for the first time the same evening.
Sparks flew in their very first conversation. Soon they were chatting, talking, face-timing regularly. Because of the COVID lockdown in Pune, they weren’t able to meet for almost two months following their first phone call.
But when they met, they knew almost immediately they wanted to take things forward. Tara took some more time to decide, but after four months of courtship, she said yes. His parents hadn’t even met her or my parents — made impossible because of the pandemic and their being in a different city (Delhi).
So, just like in love marriage, they met through a website, started seeing each other, and in due course decided to take the leap. The parents met each other only a month before the wedding.
Here are some more love stories.
When I was in college I used to tell my BFF that arranged marriage is parent-approved dating and she used to laugh it off. Little did we know that one day that would be her reality.
Someone introduced her to her husband-to-be’s parents at a wedding and they liked her. They introduced her to their son, and they both started talking to each other. She was in India and he in the US, so they connected over phone and Skype calls.
When they met after 6 months, they were already in love. It didn’t take them long to commit. Half the people at their wedding said they wouldn’t have guessed theirs was an arranged marriage and suspected the two had met online and fallen in love.
Another BFF of mine from school also had an arranged marriage. After accepting each other’s proposals on a website since both the guy and girl were in the same city they met first, without their parents. After meeting and talking regularly when they knew they wanted to be together they involved the parents, and the rest is history.
Michael J. Rosenfeld, an associate professor in the department of sociology at Stanford University says that love marriage and arranged marriage are not as different as we make them out to be.
. . .
Benefits of an Arranged Marriage
Arranged marriages have an edge over love marriages in a few areas that matter a great deal.
1. Shared commitment goals
Both parties know they’re in it for the long haul. There are no ‘I’m not ready to take this to the next level’, ‘I just got out of a serious relationship’, or ‘Sorry I’m not looking anything serious right now’ bullsh** after 6 months of dating.
Both partners know they want to settle down and so they approach the relationship as such upfront. Having a shared goal helps keep the big picture in focus and do away with the unnecessary stress of guessing what’s on the other person’s mind.
2. Transparency
Matrimonial sites verify profiles, and for an extra fee perform background checks. Not all may be equally reliable and I’m certain that fraud can still happen as with anything else on the internet.
But most of the important information such as age, education, family background, salary, criminal records can easily be checked out via background verifications. It lends transparency to a prospective partner in a way that regular dating does not and gives both parties a chance to pick partners that best suit their requirements or expectations.
3. Clear expectations
Most of the extraneous things being transparent help the girl and the guy express their expectations and hopes for the future candidly. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what we want, waiting for the right person, and not settling.
When expressed openly to a girlfriend/ boyfriend, these expectations can appear too strong, needy, materialistic, or selfish even. How many times would you expect a person to ask, “What’re your expectation from a life partner?” on a first date? They’re a given in an arranged marriage though.
Knowing your to-be partner’s expectations and confessing your own in them helps both build an open-minded, strong, and mature relationship in which communication goes hand-in-hand with trust.
4. Everyone’s in it together
Being equally active in the process of selecting a life partner, family members share responsibility and accountability. Since they have a stake in the relationship from pretty early on, you can count on their support if things go south — before or after the marriage.
Bad breakups and being in abusive relationships can make you feel isolated, but in an arranged marriage, you’re never alone. It’s a marriage of the families, not just the bride and groom.
One of my friends found out her fiancé was in heavy debt before the marriage took place. Unfortunately, this wasn’t something the guy revealed upfront.
She wasn’t ready to marry someone who had financial troubles and called off the wedding. Luckily, her parents were very supportive of her decision, didn’t blame her in any way, and respected her wishes. Had it been a love marriage, I’m sure she wouldn’t have heard the end of it.
. . .
Final Thoughts
The examples I cited are the real-life marriages I have witnessed. They don’t represent ALL arranged marriages.
I don’t mean to belittle or discredit the bad experiences some people have had in the process of arranged marriages—24 hours to meet the prospective life partner, parental pressure, casteism, colorism, sky-high expectations from families, etc. We cannot ignore the ugly side of arranged marriages.
But just the way the good stories don’t represent the whole neither do the bad ones.
What is the guarantee that high expectations, not knowing your partner well enough, age, race, and cultural gaps won’t ruin a love marriage? There’s none. Studies have found no difference in the satisfaction level of couples in arranged marriages and those in non-arranged marriages. At the very least arranged marriages as just as successful as non-arranged ones.
Regardless of the type of marriage you have, the decision to take the plunge requires deep thought and due diligence from both sides. It should never be an impulsive decision or one taken under any pressure.
Disclaimer: Before I get a bunch of comments asking me about my marriage, let me confess mine is a love marriage. I’ve seen enough arranged marriages closely (my parents’, sister’s, cousins’, friends’) to believe there is merit in the arranged marriage system, and a lot to learn from the success of arranged marriages.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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