Infidelity, regardless of why it happens, is devastating. It is a betrayal at the deepest level. It is a crippling earthquake followed by a tsunami of emotions. But it is rarely about sex. Not surprisingly though, that is what the focus becomes.
I came across an article addressing the infidelity issue in A Marriage Story that focused on the line Charlie uses when confronted with his sleeping with someone else—“You shouldn’t be upset that I f*cked her, you should be upset that I had a laugh with her.” The author interprets it as “a shallow, pretentious attempt at avoiding accountability for his behavior.” In reality, he was shedding light on what he was missing in the marriage.
Let me be clear. Infidelity is never a productive way of dealing with problems in a marriage precisely for the reason this line is so perfect. It then becomes solely about the sexual betrayal. The underlying emotional betrayal that is the true cause of infidelity gets shoved aside. The author treats Charlie’s position as laughable, instead of the avoidable tragedy it truly is.
Infidelity is often the coup de gras to a marriage that has long been suffering the death of a thousand cuts. Yet, it’s treated like it came out of nowhere. It’s also deemed unforgivable. I would argue, so is neglecting your marriage and your spouse for years by putting everything else first.
Infidelity becomes a possibility when the marriage is left vulnerable because something is missing for one of the partners. This is almost always due to one of their primary emotional needs not being met. Someone comes along and meets it and the rest, as they say, is history.
For Charlie, it was a lack of joy in the marriage. For others, it’s a lack of appreciation or interest in their thoughts or feelings. In all the couples I have worked with, it’s never been about sex.
Identifying what is missing in your marriage and taking positive, corrective action is the best way to inoculate it against infidelity. Too often, though, you don’t know how to do this. This is because, as Seth Godin says, you look in the obvious places first. But your emotional needs aren’t always obvious. It isn’t until they are being met by someone who isn’t your wife that they come into focus.
I know that men want tenderness, closeness, touch and affection—not just sex. You want admiration, appreciation, connection, and fun. And despite the adage of “happy wife, happy life”, what you need matters too. Knowing how to get it in a productive way is essential for your happiness and the success of your marriage.
Interested in the possibilities of something better? Get a free 15-minute laser coaching session on your most important emotional need.
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This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
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