The Universal Economy would like to take a minute to congratulate you on making it this far in today’s complicated parenting world. Honestly, we thought by now we would have crushed your will. So well done! However, let us also take this moment to remind you that we’re not done with you yet. Welcome to our new program, Inflation. Terms and conditions apply.
• Your existence is your tacit agreement to be enrolled in the Inflation program.
• Remember when a gallon of milk was under 3 bucks? Neither do we. We are very proud to include the reminiscing feature of Inflation. This is where you will go through your weekly grocery bill and think back to 2020, the last time you could afford a vacation. Relive the days when you could buy ham by the pound and not by the slice. Make that sandwich last!
• Is that a water leak or has my water bill gone up a ton? That is the question that you’ll be asking a lot and the Universal Economy would like to remind you that there is a 10% surcharge for asking that question. And to answer that question, no, there is not a water leak. That’s just the way things are now. There is also a 10% surcharge for the answer. It will be included on your next water bill.
• Please note that any funds added to your child’s 529 plan will be credited to your account with purchasing power of 1995 dollars. However, the student loans that your child will have to take out will be reflected in 2030 dollars. This change was necessary just because the Universal Economy felt like it.
• Record Profits by corporations will now be known as Trickle Down Bucks. The Universal Economy is a big fan of irony. Furthermore, Cost of Living will now be known as Pony Up, suckers.
• The Hunger Games is not a work of dystopian fiction. It’s your child’s future. Please make sure your kids know how to whistle as well as the three-finger salute. It will allow dissidents to be identified quicker and eliminated before they become a problem.
• Important change: Waking up refreshed every morning is now a subscription service. Don’t worry, we already have your credit card on file.
• Due to supply chain issues, taxes on those making over 1 million dollars a year are reduced. The two don’t have anything in common, but that’s never stopped us in the past.
• At your next oil change, a mysterious knocking will be installed somewhere in your engine so that your anxiety level increases on every ride with your children. There is no fix, but it will make you have a panic attack every time you stop at a light. This will make you think of getting a new car, which will help drive up demand and keep car prices out of your range.
• Anxiety medications will now come in the form of Skittles. Taste the Rainbow!
• If your electric bill is not always over 4 digits, it means your meter is of the old 2020 variety and will need an upgrade to the “Oh My God” model. This new model runs on the tears of parents.
• Side hustles as a parent will now be required in addition to everything else you do. Also, to get a side hustle you must get letters of recommendations from the 3 other side hustles you already have. This is your new reality.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock