Inside the Mind of a Controlling Man: 5 Ways He Justifies His Actions

I’m always fascinated by the mental gymnastics controlling men employ just to justify their behavior.

They will twist and distort, accuse and deflect, all in the pursuit of painting themselves as the good guy. It’s quite a sight to behold.

Today, I thought it would be interesting to go over one such example and poke holes in this unadmitted control freak’s reasoning, hopefully learning a thing or two in the process.

The more we expose these thought patterns, the better we can protect ourselves from them.

So he says…

1) It is not controlling or toxic to listen to your partner’s wants.

Yes, this is generally true.

2) And it’s not controlling when you say you prefer if they don’t engage in [insert behavior of choice]

Again, I’m in agreement here; this is generally true. But what follows is not.

3) Because my preference is what’s best for you.

Now we have crossed the line into problematic territory.

“Best for you?” Really!

Who made you the arbiter for what’s best for your partner?

Maybe it’s best for you specifically, but it’s certainly not for them, given their desire to engage in that behavior.

The only time a behavior can be framed as “bad” is when it’s incongruent with someone’s value system, or when it actively undermines well-being, if that makes sense.

How you feel about it is irrelevant.

Don’t get me wrong…

You are allowed to hate the behavior all you like, even calling it dumb, but that alone doesn’t mean you get to dictate what your partner can and cannot do.

They can go clubbing, dress provocatively, mingle with other men, and use apps like Snapchat; none of that is inherently bad, as long as they are honest about it.

As soon as you say things like…

4) You “shouldn’t” do this or that because it affects my mental state.

That is by definition controlling.

You are dictating what someone can and cannot do based on your feelings, thereby disrespecting the other person’s autonomy.

I don’t understand why this concept is so hard for people like this chap to understand. Your girlfriend is not an extension of yourself; she is a living, breathing individual with her own set of needs, desires, and aspirations.

Last I checked, you do NOT share the same brain, darn it. So, you can’t expect her to fall in line just because you demand it.

5) You should be reassure your partner.

I think we can all agree that reassurance is a good thing in relationships. It makes us feel accepted.

But that acceptance cannot come at the cost of your partner’s autonomy.

When it does, it becomes insincere, invalidating the very premise of the idea.

He should have chosen better

I bet a million bucks that the guy in the video ignored every behavior he listed as “bad” while dating. That is, if he’s even partnered at all.

There is no way in hell the girlfriend could have kept the social media use, the provocative dressing, and going to the bar hidden from him. He had to know.

Instead of going out there and finding a submissive and demure girlfriend, he chose the fool’s path and went for the opposite, knowing at some level that it’s going to be a problem in the future.

Perhaps he initially liked certain aspects of her, but as the relationship progressed, he started to feel threatened by her independence.

Or it could just be that he enjoys the feeling of control more than anything else.

Either way, change rarely satiates people like this because change is not the point; dominance and control are. It’s a tale as old as time.

Reminds me of a quote I once came across that went something like this:

If you allow a man to pluck one hair from your head, he will not stop until he has made you bald.

So even if their partner moulds themselves into their ideal, new traits to critique will magically emerge, goalposts will shift, and demands will grow even more pervasive.

Ladies, don’t give in to men like this

The only solution is to call them out and not give in. Light is the best disinfectant after all, and a lot of controlling behavior thrives when others don’t notice.

By letting them know you are aware of the games they are playing, you are essentially dismantling the social script they rely on, the one that says manipulation results in compliance.

The point is to make control as inconvenient for them such that it becomes not worth it.

Just be aware, though, that when you refuse to play along, they will escalate. But hold firm. Do not give in. It’s only temporary.

Eventually, whatever power they had over you will die.