Is “Detachment” the Solution to Lasting Relationship Success?

From my experience the “relationships” that lasted the longest were the ones I was unconcerned with about their welfare.

But the idea of “detachment” presents a serious flaw. It’s a band-aid solution. It doesn’t work. Being “detached” is just as bad as being too attached to an outcome like a relationship, sex, marriage, kids, etc…

Yet, sometimes I think “My dating life might be smoother if I didn’t care.”

It’s like playing a game with someone. You’re committed to seeing it through, strictly to the rules, and being determined to take it seriously.

But they play by their own rules — rules they don’t even communicate to you. If they’re not having fun they’ll bounce, and they’d rather be scrolling Instagram or watching paint dry.

You care way too much. And they don’t care at all. It all falls apart and the time, energy, and money you might have invested is wasted.

Everything always leads back to attachment theory

I’ve noticed something. Detached, attached, or non-attached are merely different words for the attachment styles you may read about in attachment theory.

Detached (avoidant)
Non-attached (secure)
Attached (anxious-preoccupied)

Attachment theory is an explanation that many of our behaviors in relationships are a result of conditioning from childhood.

Attachment theory in psychology finds its roots in the pioneering work of John Bowlby (1958). During the 1930s, Bowlby was a psychiatrist at a Child Guidance Clinic in London, treating numerous emotionally troubled children. His experiences there underscored the significance of a child’s relationship with their mother in shaping their social, emotional, and cognitive development. It molded his understanding of the connection between early separations from the mother and subsequent maladjustment, leading him to develop his attachment theory.

My early childhood was chaotic. There was domestic violence, drug abuse, and abandonment. These experiences shaped me in a certain way. I looked to the adults for comfort — the same ones perpetrating these behaviors, and I “tuned” my mood to theirs.

That shaped my anxious tendencies as an adult.

I spent the majority of my early twenties too afraid to approach women. It felt like a life-or-death scenario sometimes. I cared what they thought of me way too much, and the results took priority over the process of building a genuine connection.

I was also too preoccupied with military service to worry about dating. Plus, my self-esteem was garbage and I found myself often self-isolating to avoid any more “threats” of rejection.

Detachment is not a foolproof solution

But I wasn’t completely asocial. On several occasions, I approached other Navy girls, but nothing stuck and I felt more apathy to dating. A year after my service, I found a girlfriend shortly after using online dating.

That was the start of my first relationship. While I actively made it a goal to start dating, I didn’t really care about it that much.

I wasn’t too hung up on chasing after a relationship or trying to get something.

I suppose I had faced so much disappointment by this time that I thought “What can it hurt, I have nothing else to lose.” I let the relationship flow, and this idea has served me until I get attached to whomever I date.

But in some ways, I cared too much at times. If things did not go as I liked it would frustrate, annoy, or anger me. It would trigger me and I would say things to my girlfriend I am not proud of.

Yet I was never afraid of losing her because that idea wasn’t even something I could fathom… We stayed together for close to five years before it ended.

Finding equilibrium in caring too much and too little

After the end, I faced a tsunami of anxiety. This fear manifested itself in various ways. Fear of being alone, the fear of being celibate for the rest of my life, or that I was unworthy of love.

That anxiety lasted for over a year until I put my foot down and said “Enough is enough, it’s not worth it. A relationship isn’t going to change anything! A relationship could never make me happy.”

This fear affected my other “relationships” or whoever I dated. In response to this, I would often look for little clues to reinforce my anxiety.

Her not texting back fast enough.
Thoughts of her talking to someone else.
If I said the wrong thing.
If I didn’t satisfy her well enough in bed.

The energy you manifest will push people away if you’re too attached to a relationship succeeding. It will feel clingy or needy, but it’s very subtle. Even if no one says anything it will trigger their flight response.

Relationship anxiety can lead to hyper-vigilance, over-analyzing, overthinking, and constantly seeking reassurance or projection.

Even if I wasn’t directly doing anything “needy” or “anxious” — I have caught myself fantasizing — not in a sexual way, about a girl I just met. I would think about her all the time. She was merely a distraction from the anxiety I was experiencing.

I would tune to the mood of whoever I was dating. If she was worried I became worried. If she was happy I could feel better. So exhausting.

Several times I found myself feeling anxious if they were experiencing stress because I was worried she would discard the relationship to alleviate the pressure she was facing in her life.

One person isn’t solely responsible for love to work

Whether it was coincidence or not, the more I cared about things “working out” between me and a girl, the sooner the experience ended. However, as attachment theory explains, we’ll attract people who are just as “avoidant” or “anxious” as we are depending on our polarity.

It’s not solely your responsibility if the relationship fails. Love and connection take two people for it to work.

If you’re extremely avoidant — someone who is hyper-independent, self-centered, and avoids their feelings, you’ll attract someone just as anxious as you are avoidant.

These experiences are opportunities to heal as individuals.

But, instead of healing, people often cope with relationship problems in strange ways. For example, like in my story, I went from detached to attached.

I tried to find an equilibrium. Detachment failed me. The relationship lasted a long time, but the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that both of us shared led to its downfall.

We never communicated; We acted for our own individual interests and not for the benefit of the relationship. The bond we had built slowly eroded as the years went by. Meanwhile, if you want to quickly push people away, act needy, clingy, or jealous.

So, I became overly anxious and dependent on the success of a relationship to cope. I invested too much time and energy because I believed that was the solution to them sticking around.

That didn’t work either.

People will notice how much you over-give and they’ll get turned off.

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To conclude,

There’s something to be said about getting rid of this idea that you “detach” yourself from dating and relationship success. It’s not a viable long-term solution. It may appear beneficial compared to being too attached, but neither option is optimal.

You have to find the “story” behind your attachment wounds. Regardless of whether you’re avoidant or anxious, there’s a deep, hidden story or fantasy interwoven in your psyche that shapes your behaviors.

I’d be lying if I said it was easy to figure out or heal. However, self-reflection and self-awareness are crucial tools for uncovering the limits of your relationship’s success.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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