Is Female Sexuality Really That Complicated?

If we are in the third wave of feminism then why is it so difficult to talk about female sexuality? Should the most basic functioning of our bodies be off-limits in normal conversations? I am not saying you can’t find daring articles pushing the boundaries and exploring female sexuality….but are women talking to one another about sex? And are they telling each other the truth? In a world where 80% of women admit to faking orgasms, can we honestly say we know anything about sex?

We live in a society where actually talking about sex is not very popular. We are simply not open to sharing our experience, even with our own partners. It is a vulnerable conversation. Uncomfortable.

Great Conversation Makes for Great Sex

Studies show that couples who argue peacefully actually have better relationships. But why? Because by getting your emotions out in the open you have the chance to resolve your feelings. The quickest way to kill a relationship is to let things stew. You cannot hold it all in. It leads to resentment which will come out, one way or another.

And couples who disagree peacefully feel that they are on the same level. Both voices deserve to be heard. They are equals.

Of course, there is good fighting and bad fighting. You have to be good at it. Couples who argue and experience resolution are the ones who benefit. Unresolved conflict is a relationship killer.

The same applies to the health of your sexual relationship. Even if it is an awkward conversation, you are in it together, all your cards on the table. But you have to get on the same page.

The Benefits of a Healthy Sex Life

At its core, sex is a basic human need. We were designed to engage in a sexual relationship. Attraction draws us close to people and the sexual part of a relationship strengthens our connection. It is a circadian rhythm.

There are undeniable benefits to having a healthy sex life. Countless studies exist that prove sex is hugely beneficial in terms of overall well-being. The interesting part of the studies conducted is their specific focus. Some studies prove the obvious benefits like the release of dopamine which activates the reward center of the brain. You can feel that one.

But some studies delve deeper. A German study in 2013 found women who stimulate their G-spot were able to increase their threshold for pain. And a 2010 study in rats explored the difference between regular sexual activity versus a “one-night stand”. The rats who experienced sex with the same partner over the course of 14 days grew more neurons than those who only engaged in a single encounter. And regular sexual intercourse has been proven to improve quality of life by increasing the ability to deal with stress.

So yes, we need it. Desparately. But the “how” matters because it is the quality of the connection that matters.

The Need for Intimacy

This is a word we often get wrong. We us it interchangeably with sex. We were intimate. Not neccessarily. You had sex. That can an intimate experience or not.

Sex is a physical act. It does not require intimacy. A sexual act can take place without consent, it can take place for an exchange of money or it can happen in a one night stand. Those acts are not intimate.

Intimacy is a connection. It is an understanding of the other person and a deep, authentic appreciation of exactly who they are. It is a state of emotional compatibility where you can let go. And it only can take place where there is a deep sense of trust. This is true of both men and women. Sex is simply a more complete, satisfying experience when there is a deep intimate connection.

Female Sexuality, Demystified

Since we aren’t talking to each other about sex and our examples on TV and in movies are totally unrealistic portrayals of orgasmic fantasy, we need to clear a few things up. Myth vs. reality style.

Women orgasm less than men.

Myth. But timing is everything. According to WebMD, women simply achieve orgasm at a different time than men. A man can reach orgasm in 4 minutes on average, while a woman takes 11 minutes. If women are missing out, it is an issue of timing, not ability to reach orgasm. In committed relationships, that gap tends to close as men are more attentive to their partners needs.

Women Reach Sexual Peak in Their 30’s

Myth. This myth was born of a Kinsey Study conducted in 1953. It found that women in their 30’s reached orgasm more often than younger women. But recently, University of Texas psychologist David Buss found that women in their 30s and 40s actually have higher sex drives than teenage girls and women in their 20’s. And according to a Harvard Health Report women in their 40’s have more powerful orgasms and are more likely to be multi-orgasmic. Point made.

Women Don’t Have Elaborate Sexual Fantasies

Oh really? Then who bought all those copies of 50 Shades of Grey? Myth.

There is No Such Thing As A G-Spot

Myth. Um, we do. And it is one of the reasons vaginal sex is so pleasurable. If you are looking to find it, I am here to help. It is an area on the front wall of the inside vagina about 2 inches up. It is immediately recognizable by the texture. There are no real scientific studies on the G-spot (shocking) so its full function is not understood from a scientific perspective. But google away for tips on how it works.

Being in an intimate, healthy, sexual relationship benefits both men and women. By making that topic a more open conversation, we let go of what we heard in favor of what we know. Sex education is much more than a diagram of the uterus and fallopian tubes. I am not sure how that information would ever tell you anything you actually need to know about female sexuality.

Letting go of our conventional attitudes about sex is imperative to leading a satisfying sexual life. If it makes you uncomfortable, just start small. One little topic will start to open the lines of communication.

And since most women find themselves faking orgasms, we obviously need to talk.

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Previously Published on medium

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