I once read a meme that said going back to your ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on.
I somewhat agree. The majority of the time, breakups happen for a very good reason. There’s a slim chance that it’ll work out a second (or third) time.
I’ve always been the type of person who believes everything happens for a reason. People leave for a reason, but people can also come back for a reason too.
I’ve gotten back together with exes before, I’ll admit. I’ll also admit that it was the wrong decision each and every single time.
The reason being is that I didn’t fully think things through before rekindling former relationships. I’d tell myself, “They want me back for a reason, it’s meant to be” or, “I miss him *insert sad face*). While both reasons are understandable, they’re not exactly logical.
If you’re considering getting back with your ex, I’m going to be that friend who first asks you to make a pros and cons list, then tells you to ask yourself the following questions.
Why did you break up in the first place?
People break up over petty crap all the time. In 6th grade, I dumped my first ever boyfriend because he got a haircut. We got back together a few months later when his hair grew back. In my defense, he went from long beautiful golden curls to a buzz cut. I hardly even recognized him.
My best friend got dumped by her guy because she went to a party without him. Nothing happened at the party; he was just insecure. He begged her to take him back days later.
Maybe you broke up for logical reasons. I broke up with an ex because we weren’t compatible. We wanted completely different things. I wanted kids and a wedding one day; he wanted neither.
Before jumping at the idea of giving someone a second chance, take some time to evaluate what went wrong the first time around.
Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to get back with them? Do you truly miss them? Are you just lonely and bored? Maybe you’re just horny and tired of being the third wheel when you’re out with your friends. Maybe you just want somebody to chat with or a familiar face to comfort you.
Have you taken the time to see what else is out there? It’s so important to think about your intentions before you make that step.
Takeaway: Don’t rekindle a relationship with someone out of loneliness, horniness, or boredom. Take time to evaluate what went wrong the first time around.
What’s changed?
Maybe the two of you broke up because you felt like you needed time and space to find yourself.
Maybe you felt like your partner was lazy and coasting through life with no goals or ambition, and it was bringing you down. Been there, done that.
Maybe your ex was a jerk, and you didn’t want to deal with their shit anymore. Been there too!
Whatever the reason might be, ask yourself if things have truly changed in a positive way.
Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re repeating the same mistake and inserting yourself into the same toxic cycle again, all because you’re lonely and miss date nights with your ex.
My best friend that I mentioned earlier took her ex back after he dumped her for going to a party without him. He swore he would work on his insecurities, and if she wanted to hang out with her friends every now and then, he wouldn’t object ever again.
A couple of months later, he ended things again and told her she was the biggest waste of time after she went out for drinks with her coworkers.
Takeaway: Make sure you’re not putting yourself into the same toxic cycle again. Some people will tell you what you want to hear just to reign you back in. Be smart.
Have you resolved all of your past issues?
It’s not a good idea to get back with your ex if there’s unfinished business hanging over your heads.
If there were particular reasons why your relationship failed the first time, then it’s a really good idea to have a conversation about that before getting back together.
Approaching the topic will be hard at first, but the best way to do it is to just be upfront and honest about how you’re feeling and what you want. Clear communication is key.
I know it’s easier to sweep your past issues under the rug and start fresh. But, those same issues are just going to arise later on in your relationship. Do you really want to put yourself through that again?
Takeaway: Resolve your unfinished business before giving it another go.
How will you make sure you don’t fall back into old habits?
Maybe you used to get angry at your partner all the time because they were messy and disorganized, and that contributed to your arguments that inevitably led to your break up.
Maybe your partner was extremely insecure, and it made you feel like a bird in a cage. You couldn’t go out for drinks with a friend because they’d think you were cheating.
Maybe your sex life sucked. Maybe your date nights were dull, but everyday life was exciting.
You’re desperate to give it another go, but you want to make sure it sticks. So how do you do that?
You nurture the relationship as if it were a new one. Don’t slip into the way things were before just because the two of you are familiar with one another.
Talk to each other; the only way things are going to improve is if the two of you are honest with each other.
Takeaway: Embrace the second chance as if it were your first one with each other.
Some exes are exes for a reason. I haven’t stayed in touch with a single one of my ex-partners, and I want to keep it that way. I like to leave the past in the past. Some relationships are not meant to be rekindled.
However, it’s not the most ridiculous idea in the world. Sometimes you meet the right person, but it’s not the right timing. You have too much on your plate; they don’t know how to relationship, etc.
The most important thing is to make sure you’re logical about your reasoning behind getting back together. You’re not doing it out of loneliness or boredom; you’re not doing it because you’re afraid of being alone forever.
You’re doing it because the two of you are in the right headspace, and you know there’s something special there.
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Previously Published on medium
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