Is it Feedback or Are You Being Devalued?

Full confession: I don’t like feedback very much. I know we are “supposed” to embrace it as part of a growth mindset. Yes, tell me everything I can do better, please! Not my favorite thing. I addressed a few issues about feedback from a neuroscience perspective on my sister site, including to what degree we can hear and take it in, even if it is legitimate and honestly meant for our own growth. This tends to be even more difficult for targets of narcissistic abuse whose nervous systems are often on high alert.

But in the context of relational trauma and abuse, there is an additional issue, which is whether or not it is actually legitimate “feedback” or just a manipulative way to devalue and destabilize you. The idea of “just giving feedback” can be a shield for a narcissist to hide behind, project their own limitations, and take potshots from. I am sure every target of narcissistic abuse has many examples — here are a few of mine:

~ My ex the covert narcissist telling me that I have a bad habit of constantly turning the conversation to myself. “Everyone notices it, and nobody likes it. I just thought you should know.”

~ A sociopathic leader in a non-profit I worked for (he was later found to be embezzling) writing me up for poor communication skills because I tried to hold him to a commitment.

~ Being told I was being unkind and need to learn to forgive because I spoke up about abuse in my family.

~ Almost anything framed as “I’m just being honest….” or “I hate to tell you this, but it’s for your own good….”

My clients, colleagues and friends can add hundreds of examples. Many report being told they need to develop communication skills because they decided not to put up with abuse, that they need to learn to be less sensitive because they call out poor behavior, or that they are uncaring and insensitive because they’re not putting the narcissist and their needs first. “Just wanted to let you know.”

So how do you discern the difference between legitimate, helpful feedback and narcissistic abuse? Well, the simple answer is a) what is your relationship with the person providing the feedback? and b) how does the feedback feel to you?

In terms of the first point, anything a person with strong narcissistic traits tells us should be suspect. Just as it is dangerous to believe what they say when they are “love bombing” us, it’s just as wrong to take to heart what they frame as “feedback.” If it is negative (as it generally is), this is likely to simply be a way to knock you down and devalue you. (See the Idealization – Devalue – Discard cycle.) It’s almost always not legitimate feedback you should take to heart, or a way you should try to improve.

And for the second point, this is critical, but often very difficult for targets of narcissist abuse, who are trained by the narcissist not to trust their own sense of things. Reclaiming our internal sense of rightness or wrongness is a critical part of the healing journey, and tends to take some time and patience.

And understand that narcissists are often quite skilled at picking an area where they know you are sensitive and/or to say something that has a tiny bit of truth in it. This can make it harder to figure out whether what they are saying is true or not. One way around this as you are (re)building your ability to trust your own sense of things is to check in with trusted, non-narcissistic friends and colleagues, or your coach or therapist. Do I do that? Am I actually like that? Is this an area where I should develop or am I being gaslighted?

In a healthy, collaborative, kind relationship, feedback can be very helpful in our growth and development. But all too often for a narcissist, it’s a sanctioned way to manipulate and discourage those around them. As they say in journalism, it’s always important to consider the source.

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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.

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