Is It Fighting, or Is It Abuse?

In my coaching and relational trauma practice, I often find my clients describe an interaction with the toxic person in their life (current or ex) as a “fight.” As in, sigh, we had another fight about the kids this weekend. Or, my mom and I always fight when she visits. Etc.

I find this interesting to poke into and I generally ask them to tell me more about the interaction. Nine times out of ten, what happened was not really a “fight,” at least not initially. Generally what happened is that my client will have made a reasonable request with a reasonable demeanor, only to have the toxic person become aggressive, rageful, nasty, accusatory, dismissive, and/or antagonistic. (Guilt trips are also popular.)

For example, they might request that a partner who controls the finances transfer money for family groceries, only to be met with “Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it later.” If the grocery shopper pushes it, saying something like “Well, you promised yesterday and didn’t do it, so I couldn’t get the kids what they needed for school lunch,” they are met with “You are such a damn nag! I said I’d do it! Why do you make everything such a big deal? It’s drama all the time with you!”

Or it could be something like: “Hey Mom, can you please drive more carefully when you’ve got the kids in the car?” Only to be met with “I don’t know why you are so cruel to me when I’m only trying to help! No one appreciates me. After all I did for you…” etc. etc. And if the client pursues the issue, the drama escalates.

When we are met with this level of accusation and unfairness (classic narcissistic deflection tactics), our nervous systems tell us we have limited options. We can stand up for ourselves (fight), we can remove ourselves from the situation (flee), we can become overwhelmed and shut down (freeze), or we can try to appease the abuser (fawn). With a toxic person, when people try to address the situation from an empowered place, that is, standing up for themselves, it almost always turns into a fight.

Why is this? Why do the perpetrators of relational abuse seem to love to turn things into a fight? One reason is that having a perceived higher status than others around you can lead to an increase in dopamine (part of the reward circuitry of the brain, see David Rock’s SCARF Model). So winning the “fight” is critical to the toxic person’s need to maintain their perception of themselves as higher or better, and keep that yummy dopamine flowing.

Not everyone is primed to be in dopamine-seeking mode all the time, though. For many if not most targets of narcissistic abuse, the calmer hormone oxytocin, which tends to give us feelings of trust and connection, is far preferable (and harder in these relationships to experience).

It also seems to be the case that highly narcissistic people become habituated to what are known as the excitatory neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine (adrenalin in the brain). Life can seem a bit flat to them unless there is some drama going on, whereas many targets are themselves overloaded with these neurotransmitters (due to dealing with the toxic person) and just want a peaceful life where their nervous systems can relax. (See The Goldilocks of the Brain for more on how these neurotransmitters impact us.) So heating up a conversation is perversely interesting and even enjoyable for these toxic people, while distressing and disregulating to their targets.

It’s also important to note here that almost anyone can be pushed into a heated response. This is known as “reactive abuse” and it is a normal reaction to ill-treatment. Everyone has a limit to what they can take. It’s one of the reasons, in my opinion, that it is so critical to go “no contact” in abusive relationships–we risk becoming people we don’t like.

But please, if you take one thing from this post, let’s all stop calling abuse “fighting,” even if you as the target did react. Let’s call it what it is and stop taking responsibility where it isn’t ours to take.

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

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The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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