Is it Too Late?

I like to think that my superpower is the ability to find hope in even the hardest spaces. I believe that people and relationships always have redeemable qualities that are sometimes buried behind unlovable facades designed to protect wounded places.

I strive to give grace to others and forgive moments when others are not at their best. I have no issue working at repairing damage and building bridges back to real connection when the chaos of life leaves wreckage in its wake. I believe love always wins even on days that it is so hard to see.

But what if I am wrong?

What if there is a point that is too far — a place where the brokenness is no longer something that can be restored or repaired? What if I am just tired of the mess — the glue, the tape, the blood, the scars, the pain? Is it possible to just be done?

For years, my marriage has been unhealthy. Much of that came from my own dishonesty because of my lack of emotional integrity. It was not intentional at all. There was just so much I didn’t know and understand about relationships and vulnerability. I didn’t know my worth or the value of a real partnership.

My goal was to please and that is not actually a reasonable foundation for any relationship. I tolerated things and allowed patterns to be created that were not healthy for anyone. I did not require him to be a responsible, adult partner. I thought it was my job to support and help and fix it…whatever it was. I always filled the gaps and required nothing in return.

I was just lucky that someone — anyone — wants me.

It has always been about making his life comfortable, keeping his needs met, and making sure that nothing makes him unhappy or angry. If he is unhappy, we will all hear about it for hours and weeks. But then again nothing actually makes him happy. There is no joy or pleasure to be had in this miserable life.

For at least fifteen years things have been hard more often than not. Five years ago, I started to work on myself and figure out my role in all that was not working. Three years ago, I began to make changes — changes in my expectations, changes in my willingness to have hard conversations, changes in my ability to accept things that are rather than what I wish they were. It has been a transformational journey. But, it has had some really hard conversations and crossroads along the way.

Two years ago, my husband finally abandoned me and our marriage. We still lived under the same roof and tried to get along in the business of life. But all the things I thought marriage was supposed to be — connected, intimate, personal, loving, supportive — all those things were left in the wreckage and ruins along with much of my heart. All of those years of hoping and wishing and trying were completely in vain. I was left on my own to deal with the wreckage of my hopes and dreams.

Well, I dealt with it. I found a way through. My heart has healed in so many ways and I am stronger, more confident, and healthier than I have ever been. I have relationships that fill my soul in ways my marriage never has. There is a realness and a vitality that makes the sunshine a bit brighter, the coffee tastes a bit sweeter, and the music feels more joyful. After 5,000 sleepless nights and a river of tears, I finally learned that I am enough and I get to choose how to live and love.

All the while I have wanted him to join me. I have longed for him to see me.

I have needed something to be real in this relationship. And the answers have always been no and he has consistently demonstrated full-out neglect for what I consider just basic human decency towards me while being responsive and kind to everyone else around him. It is the all too familiar Jekyll and Hyde that haunted my childhood home.

So for almost two years, I have been done. I have moved on, giving up on all of this — completely exhausted by carrying the emotional labor for all these years — drained from being battered and ignored — and bruised from the neglect of my heart. It was only a matter of time until there was nothing left but a goodbye and boxes of our lives moving in different directions.

And now — after all of this — he realizes he is losing me.

He realizes he has been checked out — he realizes that he has abandoned me. But here he is, suddenly wanting to fix everything. He has seen the light and wants to try.

I should be overjoyed, right? I mean all these years this is what I wanted. But what if it is actually too late? You know — that is actually the cardinal sin for me in all of this. Simply put, he abandoned me in so many of my weakest moments without apology or regret. I am not sure that is something that can be forgiven or healed.

Friends who have walked this path with me are overjoyed. A couple of them are ready for a vow renewal wedding party. He has seen the light and I should welcome him back like some sort of prodigal son. All is forgiven and restored and we get a happily ever after.

Trust is not that simple anymore.

It all leaves me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A few days of being nicer to me and at least not being nasty does not fix all that has happened. How can I trust him with any part of my heart? He had it — I loved him with all of me. He got as much or more of me than anyone ever has and yet he cast it away — he cast me away.

And when he finally sees me — lovely, happy, and satisfied without him — now he wants me? Now he wants to make a change?

My gut tells me this is not so different than my kittens — they only want a toy that the other one has. He has had me for 26 years and only now decides that I have value? Only now decides that he likes my warmth and affection — the very things that only a few months ago lead him to tell me that it was unwelcome — That I was unwelcome.

I don’t know if I can do this. It may be my fear — fear of getting hurt one more time, fear of being abandoned and left to clean up another mess in his wake, fear that one more shattering of my heart may leave it unrepairable.

I don’t know that I want to do this anymore.

It may be my anger — all the times I needed him and wanted him and he couldn’t be bothered but now he wants in? It may be my intuition — it doesn’t take much to play this out to the various endings and the majority of them aren’t pretty. It may just be that I am tired — exhausted, actually, by all of this.

Maybe I will sit this round out. Maybe I will let him do the work and the heavy lift. Maybe this time I am not the fixer. Maybe this time he fixes it his own damn self, and then I decide if I’m in or not. Maybe I will show up and just be completely honest about it all and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe it is just too late…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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